Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. I just woke up and smiled, thinking of last night. The December drought of kisses and dates and yummy sex continues, but I can’t help feeling loved. I had a pretty bad minute coming home, and then.. a bunch of joy. Do you ever think about all the kinds of love in your life?
I’d finally checked my old FaceBook messages, bored on the plane and learned the my husband had taken our dog walker to San Francisco to meet his sister. A bunch of people were asking me if Hubby was in fact polyamorous because he’d taken his new girlfriend to California and had her meet his sister. This was news to me since he and RollerGirl had recently broken up. Then it clicked. Hubby has been dating our old dog walker and RollerGirl for months. Well, kiss my grits. He threw me away, after months of abuse because he wasn’t poly and he was angry at me for being poly and that he was going to go be monogamous with RollerGirl. But, here he had been dating two women for at least 4 months. Fuck me sideways.
I was pissed because it’s easier than being hurt.
I called him and he lied and said they’d been dating for less than a month and had started about the time he broke up with RollerGirl. That was a lie. Again. I can’t believe RollerGirl didn’t tell me either. I screamed in the car on the way home, finally. I yelled at him and at her though of course they weren’t in the car. At first I was just saying over and over “He just didn’t want YOU. He just didn’t want YOU.” Then I screamed till I was hoarse.
Fuck you for always doing whatever you wanted and not caring how it affected me. Fuck you for lying, for always lying! Fuck you for being too small to just fucking say what you wanted. Fuck you for treating me like shit. Fuck you for not dealing with your shit like an adult. Fuck you for taking me for granted. Fuck you for wanting my support with the problems you had with RollerGirl, who you left me for, and fuck you for RollerGirl for trying to be my friend and wanting my support while lying to my face about my husband. Fuck both of you. Fuck you for telling me you “wanted to know what it was like to have a family with someone you loved” because you just wanted to hurt me. Fuck you for making me want to forgive you and have a friendship, all the while LYING. Fuck you for making me feel bad for wanting kisses or hugs or 15 minutes of snuggling. Fuck you for taking any part of my father’s estate, you greedy fucking bastard. Fuck you for making me feel like I was crazy when I said I saw us unraveling and you were replacing me. Fuck you. Fuck you for making me doubt myself like that. Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you. Fuck. You.
I literally screamed myself hoarse in the car, beating the steering wheel. I’ve been angry and then sad and then accepting, but it was the first time I really let out this rage. It’s been months of terrible little realizations.
It was weird though, because it passed as quickly as it had come. You know, I’m good to be free of that. That terrible end sucked, but I don’t need and never needed someone who did absolutely anything he wanted. He was not a partner. Of course there were many many things I loved over the years about our relationship, but the truth is that it’s a good thing it ended, even if it ended with the maximum damage. He always struggled with honesty and still does. He’s a coward. I screamed it out finally. I finally see that I’m better off. He’s barely grown in 13 years. We had dozens of conversations over the last 6 months, some heart to hearts, and he was still playing games and not being honest.
I came home, feeling relaxed and exorcised. I played WoW with Traveler, creating our next characters, talking and planning what we wanted to do, not even telling him yet about the shit with Hubby, and I fell asleep happy. I felt warm and loved. Traveler had told me that he missed me and he loved me, and has been asking me to play our game, I think having fun and wanting that little bit of time with me too. He’s called a little just to check in and to talk too, and that feels good.
Cleveland has been sweet too in our big bad December, video chatting with me every couple of days for a bit. It’s been so nice to see his sweet face and talk to him about all the little things happening in both of our lives. I end up laying there smiling as I drift off to sleep after our talks (except the one where I laid there tortured and horny with no way to masturbate.. heh). He’s so good about talking to me about what he is feeling and I appreciate it so much. It’s so comforting. I am a person who is always sizing up the room and gauging reactions and it’s so nice when people don’t make me guess or question. It relaxes me.
And Boss too, even in our new little thing, has been really awesome. We talk a ton, messaging here and there and it’s so fulfilling. I love that we share weird stuff online with each other and kibitz about things here and there. I love the way he says sweet things, sometimes on purpose and sometimes not. I like that he seems to desire me as I desire him, but that he seems to want more than just my pussy. He’d be thrilling, honestly, even if it was a purely sexual relationship, but it’s so nice that it actually isn’t. We don’t get to see much of each other because we’re both so busy, but it’s good. Maybe I shouldn’t include it.. because it’s not a way I feel loved, of course, but I do feel appreciated, and I like that too.
One of the most amazing ways I feel loved lately is Traveler’s wife. I wrote about her recently, and had this lovely evening with her last night. She told me she missed me. Isn’t that beautiful? Don’t you just love brave people who tell you lovely things they think and feel? We watched a movie together long distance. She was feeling kind of crummy and was resting at Traveler’s family’s house, and we rented Meet Me in St. Louis and synced it up to watch it together as we chatted on Google. It was a beautiful thing for her to do, to spend her Christmas Eve with me. And later in the movie Traveler came in and joined us (her in person and me in Google Chat). He quickly fell asleep, and when I told her I envied that, his sleeping warm and curled next to her, that I craved holding him while he slept and missed it so much, she video chatted him sleeping. He woke briefly and we said good nights and I love you’s, and that was the nicest present anyone gave me this year. I couldn’t believe her warm generosity. All of her and I’s recent chats, and our lovely talk on being inclusive with those we love, and the sweetness of her giving me those moments with his sweet sleepy face… so much love.
And visits with my friend in Chicago and talks with Ph.D, my old friend in Colorado…And talks with my old old friend who lives in Portland now as he goes through his divorce too…And hugs and time with my brother and my sister in law, and her big crazy Mexican family… and old Army buddies I’ll get to spend Christmas dinner with… all of it.. so much love.
I watched part of Love Actually last night, and I have to agree that when I look for it I see that love actually is all around me. I’m alone here for most of this holiday season, but I’m not alone at all. I’m incredibly lucky and incredibly blessed with the love in my life. I can’t believe the fortune that these amazing people I get to love love me too, and show me. They happily hold me. They give me smooshy hugs I’ve long craved. They make me think and challenge me and kiss me and make my toes curl. They listen to me and trust me enough to let me listen to them. They make me feel needed and important. They tell me about themselves and their feelings and their lives. They do different things with me, bringing such varied joy to my life. They teach me things and show me things and let me teach them too. They bring out different things in me and give me opportunities to let love flow through me. They make me laugh and help me feel and explore life with me. They shower me with kisses. They heat me with desire and make me flood. They drink in my passion and match it with their own. They make my skin sing and make me voracious. They shudder with chills at my touch and hurt me so good sometimes. They give me their time and their attention. They pet me and purr at my pettings. They fascinate me with themselves and crack me like a walnut sometimes. They help me pursue my fantasies and my cravings, or at the very least give me a comfortable place to share them, even the ones that don’t match their own. They let me trace the intricacies of their faces with my finger tips and let me groom them like a monkey. They tell me the nasty things they want to do with me and revel in making me wet and writhing. They tell me, point blank, what they feel. Abundance! I marvel often that I am the recipient of such an abundance of riches.
I’m lonely sometimes, but I don’t have to be. I won’t lie. Sometimes it’s bitter hard, but that’s rare. I have damage and I’m working to heal. Sometimes I have to work really hard. But it really is as complicated and wonderful as it sounds. I can’t believe I get to live this way and have these friendships and relationships and connections in my life.
I feel bad for Hubby. We met and talked about his stuff and he gave me a sweet Christmas present. Then he explained that he doesn’t want to be close with anyone and that he stayed with the dog walker because it’s really nothing, and that suits him. He doesn’t want to care about anyone or have to think of anyone. He thought casually dating the dog walker would help him not really be so attached to RollerGirl and that didn’t really work either, so he was happy when RollerGirl dumped him and he didn’t have to leave her. It’s why he’d been so awful to me too. He’d hoped I’d leave him and he could be free of everyone and everything. He doesn’t want to have feelings or deal with things or have people demanding love or attention or affection or honesty of him. He wants to do whatever he needs to for his Navy career without caring about who he is leaving behind or who he affects. He wants to do what he wants to do and he doesn’t want to have to think of anyone.
It’s a perfectly legitimate choice, but it makes me sad. He’s miserable. But you know, that’s not my job anymore, to take care of him or put things together for him. He’s doing what he needs to do right now and apparently he needs to learn whatever he’s learning here.
And me? Well. I’m free. And grateful. I’m so very grateful. I love this clarity. I love seeing love all around me.