I had the nicest time last night at a very lovely New Year’s Eve party. It was nice, everyone just relaxing and having fun. Cleveland and his wife threw a truly lovely party. She made her addictive cookies, a pork roast, and spaghetti squash with pesto. I brought a super rich delicious mocha cheesecake that gave the girls afterglow, and Traveler and his wife brought caprese. Peaches and her beau made yummy homemade sushi and these cookies she’s kinda famous for. Cleveland made the best cosmos and whiskey sours in town. There was lovely conversation, food appreciation, and just general relaxing good times.
On the way to make an appearance at Traveler’s Wife’s Boyfriend’s party the conversation meandered with Traveler and I and I asked him, after he’d talked about how he’d been in love with someone, if he felt he was in love with me.
I knew what he would say. I don’t know why I asked. I guess I hoped maybe he’d say something different. He said he knew he loved me a lot and that he loved being with me, and he thought we had a real future and that he wanted that, but no, he wasn’t in love with me. He explained that to him it meant that crazy thing where you are sick without someone, desperate. To him it’s the thing where you can’t eat or sleep and are a mess and he didn’t think he was in a place to be that again. Obviously I’m glad he doesn’t feel that! But I think I wanted him to say he was in love with me. Turns out we have some pretty different definitions of “in love” and that was a pretty dumb thing to ask. Still, somehow it made me sad. I don’t want him sick, but I did want him to say he was in love with me. I decided I was being silly and I shouldn’t ruin a truly lovely night so I dropped it. I’m happy. I’m happy now and I’m happy with our dreams.
We had a great time, even if it was brief, with Traveler’s wife and her boyfriend and his friends and loves and I didn’t think about it. Leaving the party, I took up the whole “in love” thing again. I admitted to him that I was trying not to read into this whole “in love thing” and he kinda groaned, pretty much like you’d imagine any guy would. That actually kinda helped. I was after all being silly here. I love him and he loves me. He tells me and shows me. His actions tell me all I need to know. I told him, honestly, that I knew this was silly. I had to admit I’d asked him because I’m in love with him, and I wanted to think maybe I was wrong and he would say he was in love with me too. I’ve been wrong about him a lot. He’s surprised me a lot.
He asked me my definition of “in love” and how it differed from “love”, and dammit, that was hard to say. I don’t know. I think it’s maybe a matter of degree. I think it’s a level of intimacy and.. something. It’s the difference between someone who is fun and a girlfriend, and a girlfriend and a partner. No. That’s not really it either. I couldn’t define it and understood that whatever it is we are there together.
I told him that I am happy, as things are. I told him that I felt like what we have right now is really good and makes me happy. And that I like the things we’ve kinda talked about too. He told me how much he loved me and how happy he was and talked about long term things. It was reassuring. Whatever he called it, that was what I wanted. He drove home holding my hand. Everything is well. I was tired. I couldn’t stop thinking about how nice it would be to wrap around him while we slept. I thought of how nice the evening had been. Laughing at Cleveland’s Wife’s wit, getting the welcome surprise of Traveler’s wife being able to rally and make the party, even though she’d been sick, enjoying the company of the good people in my life, and going home to sleep all snuggled and warm, I could see all good things.
We slept twined together, so warm and fulfilling, and woke and began our new year with kisses and snuggles and petting. We had beautiful sexy passionate connected sex, and spent most of today just chilling. Traveler’s wife came home and we were all vegetables all day, watching Lord of The Rings even as I write this. I could not ask for a single thing other than this. I don’t care what he calls it. I love it. Turns out there really are dumb questions. 🙂