He said that. Nice.

I’m writing a different post that’s kinda related to this, but I had to kinda write this out, and well.. that’s what a blog is for sometimes.

I had this really great evening that started out less than stellar.  I went to this class Washington makes you take when you are getting divorced, which is really stupid because you have to take it after you file and it’s all about resources and such for how to file.  Good job guys.  Who is there tonight?  Yeah.. Hubby.  So I sit by him and I’m trying to be amicable and he’s being moody, of course.  In his defense he was dealing with something, but also not in his defense.. it’s no excuse to act the way he does and I’m done making excuses.

I just shrugged and played on my phone, talking to friends and reading blogs and stuff.  Whatever Dude.  He was supposed to have plans with someone and lied to them, and there he was calling someone else and making plans in the city.  Again, more reasons to be grateful my life is moving in a different direction.  He can be his nasty, moody, lying, thoughtless, inconsiderate, selfish self all he wants.  He is no longer my problem. My revenge is living well.  Yay!

So I meet up with Quinky for fun drinks and dish.  She’s started her new job and is working insano hours and it’s time to celebrate and relax too.  We met at Canon, a place I frankly couldn’t afford, but I’m a lightweight and wouldn’t be drinking heavily, so it was all good.  Holy crap is it delicious.  We shared a pizza with duck confit and these cake things made out of rice and roasted veggies and awesomeness.  We dished like we do, all over the map, and I told her about the way that Boss tends to talk to me of his interests and flirtations.

honesty2I’ve been trying to parse out what the hell I’m feeling about it.  On my way to meet Quinky, Boss sent me a text about this girl he met at a demonstration contacting him.  His tone was light and fun, sharing something cute with me.  I felt weird and I didn’t know why.  I wasn’t upset at him or jealous or thinking I wanted him not to tell me stuff.  It was weird because I liked him telling me stuff and I felt this kinda.. “wingman-like” reaction.  I wanted to give him crap about women coming out of the woodwork and hunting him down to play with them.  He has to be the only man on OKC beating them off with a stick, which only makes them want him more.  I wanted to tell him that I felt his pain as I’ve been inundated with messages this week on OKC and Fetlife.com.  And this.. THIS is why I felt weird.  I had a kind of Eureka talking to him about it.

I’m afraid to be so open about all my little flirtations, most of which will never go anywhere.  I’m open and perfectly allowed to date anyone I want.  Hell, Cleveland and Traveler are ridiculously supportive of my flirtations and interests.  Boss was just telling me about this girl that messaged him.  Why would I feel weird telling Boss about some of the boys that hunt me?  I told Cleveland the other day about a guy I’d chatted with a few times on OKC and it had been not a big deal at all.

Well.. it’s kinda obvious.

I’m gun shy.  I’m gun shy that he is SAYING he is okay and he really isn’t.  I’m afraid that I’ll trust it, like I trusted Hubby, and like I trusted Great Date.  I’m afraid that it’s actually only OK for HIM to have flirtations or be flattered by interest.  I’m afraid that somehow I will get in trouble again for wanting or for being flattered or having fun.  I tell Cleveland and Traveler about all serious interests or people I would meet or whatever, but I don’t tell them about every little message or every little flirtation that pans out to nothing.  It’s still a little nerve wracking to admit to the real stuff that I feel I need to admit to, even though THEY don’t make me feel that way, that it’s inconceivable to admit I’d flirted with some dude online but that I didn’t think there was anything there.  First of all, I’m pretty sure that neither Cleveland nor Traveler want that level of info.  Second, I am gun-shy.  And what is gun-shy?  Well.. it’s something I have to work on.  It’s a fear I’m carrying from the past into the now.

The only way to build trust is to extend some.  I think I might try sharing just a little more.  Maybe Boss really would be okay with or amused with my flirtations and exploits, as I am his.  I’ll admit that I get a twinge here and there if we have nothing on the books, but most of the time I find his honesty so refreshing.  It’s fun to give him shit about it too, which he is saying he’s cool with.  This could be kinda cool.  Maybe.

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