There’s a thing going on and I’ve been asked not to talk about it. I totally understand why and respect it, but it’s difficult and I wish I still had this place to put it out there.
I’m not sure what effects it will all have. It may dramatically change some relationships. I feel already like it’s changing me. I’m not sure how to navigate any of this really and I don’t understand what it means. No, I’m not pregnant. Nobody is pregnant or dying or anything so dramatic.
But it’s shaking things up, bringing up fears and old tapes and old feelings. There was everything before and now there is everything after. I thought somehow that I was immune, though of course I’m not. I’m really sick right now too, on top of everything. My whole body hurts and I have a fever and congestion and my head is fuzzy. My neck and shoulders feel like piano wire and I’m weak. I can’t think straight and it’s dulling the world. This is totally insult to injury. I spent much of today spiralled on my living room floor because it was the only way I could get comfortable. I want to whine and whimper and complain. I am tired of feeling cold and hot and cold again. I’m tired of feeling so awful and so run down. My head feels puffy. My mouth is sore. And dammit.. it feels unfair. It’s not really unfair. In fact it’s perfectly fair, but I’d like just a minute to kick and scream. Dammit. There is so much about this that I just don’t like. Yes, the world is just like this, and sometimes times are tough, and let’s be honest.. I live a really charmed life overall. My problems are 1st world problems and I am blessed with beautiful love and support. I think almost every single day about my many many blessings and I’m generally in awe of my charmed life.
But right now, just give me a second. Fuck! Fuckity. This sucks.