She is a Secondary Person

Tonight I was feeling neglected.  My boyfriend has been really not managing his time well lately and our last two dates.. for the last two nights in a row he’s been on the computer and doing laundry and not really present.  He does this from time to time.  I mean we slept together and snuggled and stuff, but it wasn’t much of a date.  Then he had a date for tonight with his wife and another for tomorrow with his other girlfriend.  I was giving him some kisses and hugs and telling him to have fun on his date but I just missed him, so I admitted just a little that I felt kind of neglected.  The nights he was with me he wasn’t really present.  So, he did this crazy thing.  I didn’t want him to do it.. but he did.

He went and spent a couple of hours with his wife who had planned and made a really nice dinner and lit candles and cleaned the house and gotten wine for their date.  She bought stuff on her way home from work and spent an hour making stuffed chicken breasts and asparagus.  He let her know he needed to come be with me and that he wouldn’t be able to stay the night with her like they planned.  It was the last time he’d see her for a week because he’s going on a skiing trip.  She was sad and a little upset.  I mean.. I had the last two nights in a row with him and he was saying I needed her night too.  He explained he was just trying to be fair to me.  He felt she should understand.  He got a little irritated with her.  I mean.. she’d gotten to spend Friday night with him after we’d all hung out.  They HAD slept together after the party  and then had last week’s date Saturday.  So she shouldn’t be mad he was breaking their plans to spend another night with me, right?  I mean.. he did the right thing.. right?  If he’d neglected me he should drop her and come back to me for a third night in a row.  It’s only fair.  Right?


image of a blue pencil eraser looking sad while separate from two other erasers found at

Yeah.  I don’t think so either.  Welcome to life as a secondary.  I made it sound like I was a jerk girlfriend only to make a point here.  My metamour, as you know, is the fucking tits.  She would never do that to her boyfriend and would never knowingly ask her husband to do that to me or Peaches either.  I’m totally betting she didn’t know.  She’s VERY non-heirarchal and hates situations where people treat secondaries like second-class people.  She’s just not like that.  Thank God.  But this situation happened and it was frustrating as hell because I felt like I had no choice but to suck it up and try to enjoy the time I did have.  It really hurt my feelings.  He could NOT see that this sucked.  He seemed to feel he had no choice and he needed to drop our date night to take care of his wife.  I admire his love of her… it’s one of the FIRST things that attracted me to him.  In his profile he mentioned that he read to his wife and I found that utterly charming.  But I gotta say, cooling with my wine and my candles and the remains of my lovely dinner didn’t feel good.  I had been lucky enough to have both my date with him and a little unexpected time last weekend. I was really grateful and happy for sure.  But I’m not sure that means that I don’t need a night with him before he leaves for a week.  There are other ways for him to be good to his wife.

I didn’t make him spend all night on his computer.  I didn’t make him do his laundry that way, and I didn’t make him not spend time with her.  It’s difficult that he just planned poorly and he accidentally neglected someone.  Knowing him, I know it was unintentional, and he SHOULD solve it.. but throwing me over to do so hurts.  It makes me feel unimportant and disposable.  He’s a kind and considerate man, but we all mess up sometimes.

He could have swept her into his arms, kissed her, looked deep in her eyes and apologized.  He could have asked her to sit and plan what they’d like to do Monday when he gets back so he gives her the loves she needs.  He could have written her a love letter on his lunch break tomorrow or planned a long phone conversation or an hour with her tonight and another tomorrow before his date with Peaches to give her some loving.  He could have done only the essential laundry.  He could have talked to her and kissed her and given her time while he did laundry. He could plan 5 or 6 hours of Sunday to do chores and had a time when special “them” time began. He could have done a lot of things, and I’m sure she would have preferred it too.  Hey.. none of us is perfect or flawless and we all make the best decisions we can.

But I feel like there is a problem here.  Things like what I said in those first paragraphs would NEVER happen, and if they did people would lose their shit falling over themselves to tell Traveler he was wrong for treating his wife like that.  What kind of person would blow off their wife for the woman they just saw for the last two days!?!?  Even if those last two days weren’t really quality time?  And you know this is super tame for the kind of offenses people do to the secondaries they LOVE.  This is small small small potatoes.  I’m aware that I’m lucky.

ImageTraveler came here tonight and kissed me and hugged me and talked to me.  He was sweet and kind and loving.  I think he didn’t see what he was doing for what it was.  He was a person making a decision I don’t agree with but for all the right reasons, you know?  And this kind of thing is RARE in my relationship.  It’s not a habit at all.  But it happens.  Here in my relationship where the wife is really really careful to include her husband’s girlfriends and support us and treat us extremely well it happens.  Here in my relationship where they have been poly a long long long time and they aren’t jealous and they are careful to treat us well it happens.  Here, where Quinky and I have a deep and loving relationship and look out for each other, it happens.

I love Traveler and I love Quinky and I’m happy they are home tonight snuggling and connecting.  I want good things for them and I’m not happy to do it, but I’m grateful if me sitting in my date’s remains and sleeping alone before a week without Traveler makes things better.  Yes, I’m sad.  I’m hurt.  I had a few really nice hours with him.  We ARE okay and I can spare the night.  I hate it honestly… but it’s so rare I’m willing to swallow this one.  I will talk to him about it because I need to avoid a resentment.  Because this is wrong.  It sucks it’s an option.  He’d never blow her off to be there for me.  It would be crazy to think if I felt bad after two days with him that he’d blow off the date his wife worked so hard on.  If I suggested it he’d think I was being unreasonable in the extreme. But he did it tonight to me and expected me to be fine with it.  He was annoyed when I reacted with hurt and irritation.

If I said “well.. you got to sleep with her Friday and Saturday, and Sunday and Monday sucked with me, so she doesn’t need Tuesday night before you leave for a week, right?”, he’d think I was off my rocker.

We’re okay and I will address my feelings calmly and rationally, (partially because I was able to write this).  But this is wrong and it happens elsewhere ALLLLLL the time.  I’m sad and hurt but I know I’m lucky too.  I am treated really well 99% of the time.  Please please please think about this shit.  Switch the players some time and see if you’d act the same to those involved.  Being a secondary is hard, and you love us, right?  Please try harder.

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