Maybe it’s having been sick and having spent time in my apartment alone.. thinking. Maybe it’s a few things occurring in succession.. I don’t know.. but things came to a head for me. And I was thinking.. a lot. I blogged like a mad woman, and am still doing so, evidently. Here’s the skinny.
Feeling solo poly.. or a secondary, even in my “non-heirarchal poly” was chapping my ass. I have to make this clear, that I am involved with sweet kind loving people who treat me well. I am LUCKY. And I know it. My little family, my Murder, is a special and rare thing. So, it makes it hard to complain. But complaining is what I felt like doing and I need to maybe make tiny adjustments, even if just in me.
It’s was a chaffing at my spot. It’s that Cleveland and I do not get nights together much, and we almost never get weekend time or normal date time. It’s Traveler making a decision to cut our date the week he went on his man-trip to give the time to his wife and me not understanding a lot of the factors. It’s little tiny niggling things I hadn’t really addressed too.
Cleveland and his wife are relatively new to poly and he’s being careful to make sure his focus on his marriage remains strong. This is a GOOD thing. But. But it got to a point.. for me.. that I started to feel un-valued. I don’t expect to be his top priority, but I want time with my boyfriend to do normal people stuff. I’d like to take a walk or do a project or play a game. I’d like to see him in daylight. I started to feel like he should leave money on the nightstand because he comes over because we fuck, we eat dinner and he leaves. It’s been hard to schedule and we’d hoped to get together this weekend and then he and his wife were “busy”. And I reacted. I spent most of Friday thinking about this. How fucking busy are people that every single weekend they can’t schedule anything? Really? ALL the days are taken every single weekend?
I like being respectful and understanding. I like making sure that things grow slowly and well.. always always taking into account the things that came before and the commitments that people have in their lives. But after a time I just feel like you know.. I matter too. I’m sensitive to Cleveland and his wife, and Traveler and his wife and Peaches, and they are sensitive to me too. But in this thing.. in this no-weekends-ever thing.. I felt like “when is it my turn”? I matter too, dammit. Of course I do.
I had started to feel in many ways like I was solo poly, or this poly with people who have big committments, well.. it’s got some BS. It felt in this instance like I had a relationship with leftovers. It felt like cobbling together scraps and sexual chemistry into a pale reflection of two people actually relating.
Nobody ever said I didn’t matter or even implied it. I know how lucky I am to have partners and metamours who are thoughtful. I say it all the time, how blissfully happy I am with my kind men. So for a while I didn’t want to complain. How can you acknowledge that you are lucky and at the same time complain? Seriously. I am BLESSED, and I know it. Why complain about small things? Be patient. Give some of that thoughtfulness back. Right? But I also have to admit when I had this feeling. It festered.
Cleveland kinda pushed me to talk, and I did. I admitted that I felt terrible about this and I didn’t want to make demands or pressure or complicate things. I completely and utterly love that he’s a good man who tries to be a good husband. I don’t want to be a pain in his ass.. but I was bothered me in this one small thing.
So we talked about it and he understood. He got it. He admitted that he could see my feelings. That alone made me feel a lot better. I suggested maybe we could talk about once a month having a “prime” time or what kinds of things he might like to slowly incorporate. He was perfectly willing to talk about it. That helped.
All that thinking. It was a pain but necessary. I feel like it’s wise to just talk to my partners. I’ll be honest and I’ll try to listen with an open mind and be flexible and accommodating while also talking about what is up with me. Because I already feel lucky and happy overall, and I feel like my murder has my best interests at heart.. I just need to communicate. I need to remember I will not always get what I want, but that I’m totally allowed to want it and that it’s okay for me to have feelings about stuff sometimes.
My talk went way better than I’d hoped with Cleveland. He was really reasonable and empathetic. This alone helped IMMENSELY. It feels good to be heard and acknowledged. I don’t need a lot to change. It feels good to have talked with Quinky Girl. And I feel like I can be resolved with Traveler too. I don’t like conflict, and I like it out and resolving. It was good that she talked to me about stuff and said hard things and she listened and validated some of my feelings too. It’s one thing to love people when it’s all tea and roses and another to be willing to say hard stuff and to forgive and make amends. Loving when it’s harder and messier is affirming. The people that love me wanting to talk to me and resolving conflicts increases my security. I know that we will have conflicts and we won’t always get along. It’s like free speech this way.. in that it matters most when people are saying things you don’t like. Loving people is easy when it’s hugs and kisses. Loving people when it’s hard conversations and admitting feelings and owning your shit is another thing.. precious.