Saying and Hearing the "bad" Stuff

Maybe it’s having been sick and having spent time in my apartment alone.. thinking.  Maybe it’s a few things occurring in succession.. I don’t know.. but things came to a head for me.  And I was thinking.. a lot.  I blogged like a mad woman, and am still doing so, evidently.  Here’s the skinny.talking pets

Feeling solo poly.. or a secondary, even in my “non-heirarchal poly” was chapping my ass.  I have to make this clear, that I am involved with sweet kind loving people who treat me well.  I am LUCKY.  And I know it.  My little family, my Murder, is a special and rare thing.  So, it makes it hard to complain.  But complaining is what I felt like doing and I need to maybe make tiny adjustments, even if just in me.

It’s was a chaffing at my spot.  It’s that Cleveland and I do not get nights together much, and we almost never get weekend time or normal date time.  It’s Traveler making a decision to cut our date the week he went on his man-trip to give the time to his wife and me not understanding a lot of the factors.  It’s little tiny niggling things I hadn’t really addressed too.

Cleveland and his wife are relatively new to poly and he’s being careful to make sure his focus on his marriage remains strong.  This is a GOOD thing.  But.  But it got to a point.. for me.. that I started to feel un-valued.  I don’t expect to be his top priority, but I want time with my boyfriend to do normal people stuff.  I’d like to take a walk or do a project or play a game.  I’d like to see him in daylight.  I started to feel like he should leave money on the nightstand because he comes over because we fuck, we eat dinner and he leaves. It’s been hard to schedule and we’d hoped to get together this weekend and then he and his wife were “busy”.  And I reacted.  I spent most of Friday thinking about this.  How fucking busy are people that every single weekend they can’t schedule anything?  Really?  ALL the days are taken every single weekend?

talking caloriesI like being respectful and understanding.  I like making sure that things grow slowly and well.. always always taking into account the things that came before and the commitments that people have in their lives.  But after a time I just feel like you know.. I matter too.  I’m sensitive to Cleveland and his wife, and Traveler and his wife and Peaches, and they are sensitive to me too.  But in this thing.. in this no-weekends-ever thing.. I felt like “when is it my turn”?  I matter too, dammit.  Of course I do.

I had started to feel in many ways like I was solo poly, or this poly with people who have big committments, well.. it’s got some BS.  It felt in this instance like I had a relationship with leftovers.  It felt like cobbling together scraps and sexual chemistry into a pale reflection of two people actually relating.

talk emailsNobody ever said I didn’t matter or even implied it.  I know how lucky I am to have partners and metamours who are thoughtful.  I say it all the time, how blissfully happy I am with my kind men.  So for a while I didn’t want to complain.  How can you acknowledge that you are lucky and at the same time complain?  Seriously.  I am BLESSED, and I know it.  Why complain about small things?  Be patient.  Give some of that thoughtfulness back.  Right?  But I also have to admit when I had this feeling.  It festered.

Cleveland kinda pushed me to talk,  and I did.  I admitted that I felt terrible about this and I didn’t want to make demands or pressure or complicate things.  I completely and utterly love that he’s a good man who tries to be a good husband.  I don’t want to be a pain in his ass.. but I was bothered me in this one small thing.

So we talked about it and he understood.  He got it.  He admitted that he could see my feelings.  That alone made me feel a lot better.  I suggested maybe we could talk about once a month having a “prime” time or what kinds of things he might like to slowly incorporate.  He was perfectly willing to talk about it.  That helped.

All that thinking.  It was a pain but necessary.  I feel like it’s wise to just talk to my partners.  I’ll be honest and I’ll try to listen with an open mind and be flexible and accommodating while also talking about what is up with me.  Because I already feel lucky and happy overall, and I feel like my murder has my best interests at heart.. I just need to communicate.  I need to remember I will not always get what I want, but that I’m totally allowed to want it and that it’s okay for me to have feelings about stuff sometimes.talking phone

My talk went way better than I’d hoped with Cleveland.  He was really reasonable and empathetic.  This alone helped IMMENSELY.  It feels good to be heard and acknowledged.  I don’t need a lot to change.  It feels good to have talked with Quinky Girl.  And I feel like I can be resolved with Traveler too.   I don’t like conflict, and I like it out and resolving.  It was good that she talked to me about stuff and said hard things and she listened and validated some of my feelings too.  It’s one thing to love people when it’s all tea and roses and another to be willing to say hard stuff and to forgive and make amends.  Loving when it’s harder and messier is affirming.  The people that love me wanting to talk to me and resolving conflicts increases my security.  I know that we will have conflicts and we won’t always get along.  It’s like free speech this way.. in that it matters most when people are saying things you don’t like.  Loving people is easy when it’s hugs and kisses.  Loving people when it’s hard conversations and admitting feelings and owning your shit is another thing.. precious.

4 Comments

  1. It always feels wonderful to feel validated. I often struggle with if it’s alright to be feeling what I’m feeling and ultimately it always is. When I spend to much time struggling it festers for me as well.

    I’ve found that talking it out works best for me but it’s so hard to get to that point in my head. I feel like I’m shaking myself saying, your husband and your boyfriend love you, and they are amazing. You’re husband’s girlfriend is fabulous…just stop! So, I understand.

    I hope all goes well for you, and yay for you and Cleveland. Communication gives me the warm and fuzzies.

    -M

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  2. I think this is really, really hard. I think it is natural to want to come first with your loves. And, you know what that feeling is like having been married for many years. I could say. “Well, you can come first for yourself” and all that but I don’t know if that is the whole answer. Maybe start looking for somebody who thinks the sun rises and sets on you- and only you. My 2 cents. And I hope with my whole heart you find some peace and clarity. Hard stuff darling.

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  3. Communicate, yes. Express things so that you can work past them. This brought some things up for me that I want to say. Things are rarely as dark as they seem when you are alone in your apartment, spinning emotionally. As a former emotional spinner, I so understand the truth of that. You don’t have to justify your feelings to yourself (or to us), and I feel like you’ve been doing just a little of that. The trouble is that when you do that, things take on a much bleaker aspect. The lines get harder. Things get more black and white. In Traveler’s case, the offense, which was slight and not the normal course of things, as you yourself have admitted, gets puffed up and conflated with a bunch of other things. That doesn’t mean that the offense wasn’t real. That doesn’t mean that it can’t be a learning opportunity for you, me, and Traveler. Does adopting a solo poly narrative for yourself really serve you? What are some strategies for future times in which you’re feeling conflict but can’t immediately have the conversations that you need to have? Is it possible that you can feel the feelings and acknowledge their truth but shelve them for a few days so that you don’t have to spend an entire week feeling them? Can you compartmentalize? Can you take a leap of faith that this snag isn’t a sign that he doesn’t love you enough?

    I love you, and remember, you are NEVER alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lots of good questions. It’s so true that feeling like I have to justify my feelings isn’t helpful. It’s certainly one of my more troubling character defects at times, that I feel bad for my feelings or like I “shouldn’t” have them.. and it can make things harder until I remember that that’s unhelpful. In this case, I totally agree that things got conflated, and I knew this and it was part of why it was hard to have feelings aobut this. Having difficult feelings is hard enough, but it’s harder when I know they aren’t “fair”.

      I think I’m not solo poly and it’s not a style of poly that suits me. It works very well for a lot of people but not me. Traveler for example is my partner. He just is. You are a member of my family. I am not a single or solo girl. I have these big connections and they are really important to me. Thinking about me and solo poly was part of my processing, but not a thing I stuck with. I don’t consider myself solo or secondary poly. But I was processing through some difficult feelings about loving guys who have big committments and figuring out and letting go of some stuff. It just acted as a catalyst for me to think through some things. Sometimes I’m like that. Something will happen and I’ll deal with that thing, and it will kinda spark a question or a series of questions. It’s like “okay.. that’s resolved… but what does that mean here? And there? And in this way? Is it this or that and how do I feel about it?”. It’s just how I think sometimes. In the end, I needed to do this thinking and I think it’s a process that works well for me. I sort of need to chew on things sometimes.

      And then I love asking questions like this one.. “What are some strategies for future times in which you’re feeling conflict but can’t immediately have the conversations that you need to have “… see.. that is a good thing to think on. This kinda thing helps me examine what I want and need and what I should ask for. It helps me see and work on my insecurities and fears and character defects. It helps me figure things out and ask myself good questions. It helps me increase my understanding and grow.

      I know we are all different and some of us wouldn’t work this way but it’s a way that helps me. I LOVE the good questions. 🙂

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