I know I’d pretty much resolved the Traveler thing a few days after it had happened. I’d worked out some of the feelings and questions it raised, even if I had a cascade of questions I was asking myself both about him and Cleveland after some things with Cleveland, but it was really damn nice to wrap it up in a bow with a nice talk last night. I’d pretty much decided that what I’d wanted from Traveler was just to hear me. I understood more why he had to cut our date and I knew after talking to Quinky Girl that had I known what was up I would have pushed him out the door and told him to go where he was needed. It was not just that she felt neglected after days with him. It was that he felt needed and wanted to be with a person he loves… a person I love too. She had really been suffering with sickness and stressors and he just wanted to support a person he loved when she needed him. Seriously? Who’d be mad or hurt about that? Many times Quinky Girl and I have supported each other that way. Just a short while ago she’d asked us out for a quick drink on our date after a challenging day and it had been so fun I don’t think either Traveler or I had wanted to leave. As I went through my struggles with Great Date and with my ex-Husband, many times Quinky Girl and Traveler had been there for me in much the same way. It is what families do.
So.. I knew it had been a misunderstanding and I just hadn’t had all the info.
But I’d been sick a lot and had this health thing, and had some things come up with Cleveland and had Traveler and had taken a tour of asking myself hard questions and figuring things out. In the end.. a lot of my answers were “this is good”. I write all the time about how happy I am, boring you with yet another beautiful time with my loves, or talking about the joy I feel at loving such men and my chosen family. But I needed to tell Cleveland how I felt and what I was thinking and ask for some growth, and I needed to tell Traveler how I had felt, even if I understood things better now.
Things with Cleveland need to wait a bit longer for super good reasons and we’ll see how all of that turns out. I’m happy we talked and I felt heard. For now that is enough. It’s important to consider everyone involved. Things with Traveler are beautiful. It’s so good to have him home.
We had our date last night and he kept saying too how great it was to be home. He’d had a wonderful ski trip, but he’d missed me too. The second I saw the joy on his face at seeing me again and he couldn’t wait to set anything down to hug me and kiss me and hug me some more, I almost didn’t want to tell him everything I’d felt and thought. It was just so fucking nice to have him in my hot little hands. But he settled on the floor by the kitchen with a spreadsheet he needed to complete to keep me company while I made dinner, and I told him, I know you know I wanted to talk, and I think you know some of what about from Quinky Girl, but I need to tell you some things, okay?
I laid out the whole thing.. how I’d accepting him needing to go home to Quinky Girl and then taken it back later when feelings came up and how things happened with Cleveland and how I’d reacted and set off a chain of thinking. I think I talked for 15 minutes without pause. I summed it up with something like.. “and I know you are careful to never treat me like a second banana and to love me and be a good man to me. I do see that. I guess I just wanted to tell you how I felt. I’m not asking for you to change anything and I’m not asking for more. I’m very very happy. If anything, maybe should something like this ever arrive again, can you fill me in more? I love Quinky Girl and I want all good things for her, including time with you. If she ever needs you like she needed you, just tell me. I love her and it would make me happy to support her too, okay”? He promised he would.
We ate a simple dinner and I pet him while he finished his spreadsheet. We planned to play WoW or maybe to watch House of Cards and we didn’t do either. We snuggled for hours, petting and kissing and talking about little things. We kept telling each other that we loved each other and nearly purring with our touch. I’d already let go of my doubts, but he burned out even their remnants. We got carried away, as we do, and connected in a way that left us panting and reeling. It was so intense to reconnect with him again as the entire evening had done and to cap it off with such passion. Afterwards, still locked together, with him still looking in my eyes, he just said “that was..so.. intense”. We grinned like cheshire cats. We cleaned up and got wrapped up together again and I pet us both to sleep.
I know I overthought things and I got off the beam quite a bit, but I don’t actually regret it. I regret making Quinky Girl worry and making anything harder for Cleveland or any cascade there. I regret not talking to Quinky Girl more about something before she read it in my blog (never communicate by blog!) and I regret a little doubting as much as I allowed myself. But honestly in the end I think some good stuff is coming out of it, so it’s really hard to regret the whole thing. I’m glad it made me talk to Traveler and Cleveland and Quinky Girl. I’m glad it made me enjoy so very much my distraction with Boss. I’m glad it made me resolve some difficult doubts and fears and ask myself important questions. It solidified some things for me with Quinky Girl too, that she told me stuff that was hard to say and accepted my amends. There are better ways to accomplish some of this and we are learning and growing. I’ll try to be less messy next time, and I wish I always acted with flawless grace, but I’ll settle for my messier growth if I don’t do it too often.
What a difference a day makes, huh?