In a few hours I will be 40 years old. Yeah.. I’m feeling pretty good about it, and pretty nostalgic. I just took a long hot shower and actually laughed and cried thinking back on things. Do you ever get like that at milestones?
I’m 40, and you know.. I’m mostly happy. I read a few things about turning 40 today and I have to admit I agree with a lot of them. With a few rather large exceptions, the last 5 years or so have been some of the happiest of my life. I was suicidal a lot in my teens and my early 20’s. It’s been a long time and I don’t entertain those thoughts much these days, but they come. I still think about it on those rare times, and then it comes to me.. all the times I’ve thought over the years, “If I’d been successful, and If I’d killed myself at 15, or 16, or 19 or 22 I would have missed THIS”.
I’ll be standing at a big moment or a small one and I’d know I would have missed it. I would have missed all of that if I’d kept believing that life would always be so dark. Life isn’t like that. It isn’t like that all. Life NEVER stays the same, not even when we want it to. It’s never all dark or all light. It just isn’t. Everything spins and everything changes. If I’d have given up then I’d have missed everything. I have gotten nearly every happiness I’ve ever wanted and most of what I’ve feared. And tallying it all up, I’d hate to have missed it all.
I’m not going to lie. This last year has been in many was one of the toughest of my life. But here’s the thing. Amazingly.. I’m mostly pretty happy. My injuries healed most of the way and my heart is healing too. I’m working on the damaged bits and that might take a while, but I’m headed in the right direction.
They say in your 40’s you come into your own. You have a lot of things figured out and a lot of things you’ve learned. I agree. And sex really does seem to get better and better too. A lot of the articles talked about the success we’ve built up in our careers and our families, and I don’t really have that. I never had children of my own and I’m not very financially successful. So I don’t relate to the obvious kinds of family and success the articles name, but I have to admit that the success is still true. I have built a little family that is absolutely precious to me. I’m blood-related to almost none of the members, but they are family none-the-less. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve counted on Ph.D or Squirrel. And here I’m building a life with my little chosen family.
I could go on and on, but I keep deleting that, realizing that the details are rather unimportant. The point I kept trying to make was that I’m going to be 40 here soon, and I’m pretty happy about it and happy in general. My ex hated it that I said it all the time, but I do keep marvelling and it keeps coming to me… “what a long strange road it’s been”. 🙂