Unicorn Hunters

ImageI have an account on OK Cupid, where many people in open relationships are. I list myself as a bisexual woman, because I am, and this means I get a share of couples looking for that elusive bi-babe to come and be their third.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to have a threesome and nothing wrong with wanting it to be a casual thing or an ongoing thing.  It’s a common thing that new couples want to find a single woman to come and be in a relationship with both of the members.  There are a lot of reasons for this, some good and some bad frankly.  I’m not really writing about that whole ball of wax.  Many writers already have written about it, and many better than me.  This hot bi-babe that will come and have sex with and/or date both members of a couple is called a unicorn.

What I am writing about today is my response to a very certain kind of unicorn hunter.  In my account on OK Cupid I fairly regularly get a very specific sort of message that honestly drives me crazy.  Some couple or member of a couple will write this kind of form letter to me not indicating any interest at all in me or my profile or anything really having anything to do with me as a person.  It’s usually a version of this:

Hi there!  I am “name” and I’m with “name”.  We are a fun outgoing couple that likes walks on the beach and wine and fun and good sexy times.  He is blank years old and I am blank years old, and we’ve been together blank number of years.  We are low drama, drug and disease free and always play safe.  We are looking for an attractive, fun, drug and disease free woman to join us for fun/date us/explore a relationship with us.  He is amazing in bed and likes this and this and that and he says I’m super great in this way.  We want to do x and y and z in bed.  We look forward to hearing back from you.

The problem I have with this is that almost NEVER do these couples ask a single question about me.  They don’t mention anything I’ve said or even ask me if I LIKE the sex things they listed as wanting to do to the woman in the position they are asking me to fill.  They don’t ask my relationship status or interests or job or anything about me.  They don’t even ask what I like.  They don’t indicate a single thing about me that interested them, or if they do, which is rare, it’s a picture.

It’s nice to be thought of as attractive.  That is very flattering.   It’s nice that these couples are upfront about what they would like.  Those things are awesome.  What kinda blows is that it’s super clear that not a one of them gives the faintest damn what I want or need or desire and they aren’t remotely interested in me as a person.  I’ve answered some of these form messages and often they are talking about what they would like me to do in bed and warning me off trying to steal them and telling me how they aren’t like everyone else because they will actually care about the woman that fills this hole, and they HAVEN’T ASKED MY NAME!

I love threesomes.  I want to have more of them and have talked to my partners about them.  One of my partners and I are sort of seeking opportunities for fun threesomes, but I have to admit that I cringe at the idea of being a “unicorn hunter”.  I talked with him the other day about this.  Doing dishes, we talked about some of our “prospects” and I felt creepy.  To be clear.. I am not unicorn hunting.  I don’t want to find a girl we can use and discard or that will fill some pre-described thing we’re looking for.  I don’t want to have some woman service us and disappear or fall in love with us equally and at the same time.  I don’t want a triad either, to be honest, or some complicated relationship thing.  I understand these things happen, but ideally we’d have more of a fun with our friends kinda thing.. exploring things we all like and getting to know each other and THEN deciding what we want to do.  I don’t want to put a lot of stipulations on it and I certainly don’t want a pack of rules or demands.

ImageHe pointed out that I am not creepy to be open to playing with or having fun with friends if they are ever interested.  I don’t have some laundry list I want them to fulfill and I don’t have expectations.  I don’t want to make a girl date both of us equally for some nefarious reason and I don’t have designs on getting just any woman to check some box.  I don’t want a threesome because I’m afraid of him being with a woman without me or I think I shouldn’t want any men but him.  I am open to a cool connection and fun with someone, if it should occur, and I’m open to facilitating it a little or at least being open about my desire for it.

So, back to unicorn hunters- I decided to make a form letter as a joke response to them.

Dear (couple/member of a couple/recruiting party),

Thank you for your interest in my (vagina, ass, butt, fingers, mouth, tongue, pussy, anus, clitoris, boobs, tits, breasts, body).  I have received your description of yourselves and the attributes that should make me want to have sex with you.  I think there may be a paragraph missing though because it didn’t seem like you asked anything at all about me or have any interest in me. 

I also got your list of sexual things you would like a random woman to accomplish or do for or with one or both of you, but I will not at this time be able to accept your (list of demands/offer to have sex with you and go away).  I regret to say that I am in fact a whole person with a life of my own and my own desires and such too.  I know you didn’t ask, and I won’t bother you with details of me as a person, but I feel like I might make me unqualified to be your (fuck puppet, relationship enhancer/Saturday night entertainment/girlfriend on demand).  Worse yet, I might want to date people and conduct relationships as I see fit and I feel I would be unhappy being at your beck and call.. ever respecting your private couple time and desiring none of that with anyone for myself.  In fact, if I dated you both equally it might hurt my feelings that you would need alone time without me and I wouldn’t be allowed to have alone sexy or romantic time without one of you.

I wish you all the best in your hunt, and I apologize for my autonomy, thoughts, feelings, needs and desires.  I’m sorry I could not be (your unpaid prostitute, there to fill all of your desires and conveniently not being a whole person for you).  Take care and happy hunting!Image

I would almost certainly never actually send this to any well-meaning would-be suitors, but I am tempted to have such a thing at times.  I’m going to keep this in mind though as I venture forth, hoping for that sexy time fun with a lovely woman or man and my partner.  I hope I don’t need to actually remind myself that our friends and people I meet are not toys for my amusement, but you never know.  🙂

32 Comments

  1. Yeah, that sucks: It’s always about what you are and not who you are and, usually, all about what they want more than anything you might want to gain other than getting laid.

    I like your form letter joke… but I wonder how such a couple would react to actually getting that response from you? Would they see the error of their ways and want to see the overall value you would bring by joining with them… or would you then be labeled as a stuck-up bitch who doesn’t know a good thing when it’s offered to her?

    People are just so stupid about this…

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  2. I think that you should send it, after dialing back the snark just a little bit. 🙂 I’ve sent such responses over the last decade plus of my online dating life. About 5% actually responded positively with something along the lines of, “Oh, hey, I’m sorry if I was a jerk.” Then again, I got about 10% highly offended responses. So, it may not be worth your time. 🙂

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  3. I once sent a polite “no thanks, but I appreciate your interest” to a unicorn-hunting couple on OKC and they sent me back a message asking why I said no. So I told them I don’t like to meet up with strange couples because they have a number advantage if they want to murder me 😛
    I don’t think they appreciated it, but I HATE people trying to talk me out of a no.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I love your response. Since I myself have been a ‘unicorn hunter’ (learned this just now!!) I would really hate to be so self centered in my search. I know I am not, but it did make me think for a minute about my own responses. I always want to get to know the person, find out about them and their likes and lives. The funny thing is not a lot of them continue to respond to me once I start asking questions about them.

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  5. Great Post! It is a concern, but not just for you, the single female, but I know my wife has the same problem on OK Cupid. After doing the for over 15 years, she’s gotten the routine down. She doesn’t’ take even a meet & greet date until the man has shown interest in her via texts and phone calls. Now, my question is: What is the term for couples, like us, who who are look for for the right bi-male to be our third?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Professor Polyamory, My boyfriend and I are looking for a third, too. Here’s an ad I put up on Fet a few months back:

      I’m bi myself, and got tired so many years ago of being stalked, pursued, and chased and hunted for my magical unicorn hide.

      So, I’m not manicorn hunting. Not really. And even though I’d love to see my boyfriend passionately make out and maybe more with some hot bi guy (depending on their personal and negotiated boundaries), I understand what’s it’s like to be treated like a goddamned performing monkey expected to do tricks on demand. I wouldn’t ever treat you like that!

      I want more than someone to fulfill my only unfulfilled fantasy. I want someone kind and decent and cute and sensuous and passionate who makes me laugh. A pal. A lover. A friend.

      Chemistry between two people is tricky enough. Adding three or more to the mix? Wonderful or terrible with very little in-between. I know this from long experience. 😉 My fantasy would only be fulfilled if that interest and chemistry flowed between everyone involved. That might be better served by something flexible and longer term. If I’d just been interested in a check in the box, I could have made that happen a long time ago.

      What I bring — long experience with poly and open relationships and potentially delicate sexual situations. Maturity combined with a youthful spirit that is still constantly in wonder at sex and at what my body is capable of. Passion. Decency. A real and genuine love for sex. Intensity. I gush rivers, too, if you’re into that. I am also HSV-2 positive, though I don’t and have never gotten an outbreak. Know that and judge accordingly. It doesn’t make me any less awesome. I’m pleasingly plump (size 16) but I don’t see that really as a negative. 🙂

      And of course, if things worked out that way, I just might bring my boyfriend. 😉

      Inbox me if you’d be interested in learning more about me.

      I hope it helps!
      Quinkygirl

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  6. Thank you for sharing. My husband and I have decided to open up our marriage, & we’ve been searching for a woman to join us. I suppose I am a unicorn hunter too but I didn’t realize it! Similar to what Sarah said, when I do begin asking personal questions about the potential third, communication usually stops.

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  7. You should actually send it. It is not being hurtful to anyone. It is clearly stating that they are treating people as a means to an end and not individuals which is always wrong. Not to mention society’s general tendency to treat all women this way.
    I think it’s a great letter! Educate some people!

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  8. That is an awesome form letter actually, I wish you would send it 🙂
    my only suggestion for changing it would be to mention that the fact that they should consider hiring a prostitute since that is what they are looking for. Often, from what I’ve read, escorts love being hired for couples.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. OKCupid here too, and YES!!! There’s nothing like blatant “We’re looking for our third”, to make a girl feel like an interchangeable vagina. I see it in other places too, it’s a common theme in poly, especially with couples who are new to “opening up”. ::shudder::

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