I have an account on OK Cupid, where many people in open relationships are. I list myself as a bisexual woman, because I am, and this means I get a share of couples looking for that elusive bi-babe to come and be their third. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have a threesome and nothing wrong with wanting it to be a casual thing or an ongoing thing. It’s a common thing that new couples want to find a single woman to come and be in a relationship with both of the members. There are a lot of reasons for this, some good and some bad frankly. I’m not really writing about that whole ball of wax. Many writers already have written about it, and many better than me. This hot bi-babe that will come and have sex with and/or date both members of a couple is called a unicorn.
What I am writing about today is my response to a very certain kind of unicorn hunter. In my account on OK Cupid I fairly regularly get a very specific sort of message that honestly drives me crazy. Some couple or member of a couple will write this kind of form letter to me not indicating any interest at all in me or my profile or anything really having anything to do with me as a person. It’s usually a version of this:
Hi there! I am “name” and I’m with “name”. We are a fun outgoing couple that likes walks on the beach and wine and fun and good sexy times. He is blank years old and I am blank years old, and we’ve been together blank number of years. We are low drama, drug and disease free and always play safe. We are looking for an attractive, fun, drug and disease free woman to join us for fun/date us/explore a relationship with us. He is amazing in bed and likes this and this and that and he says I’m super great in this way. We want to do x and y and z in bed. We look forward to hearing back from you.
The problem I have with this is that almost NEVER do these couples ask a single question about me. They don’t mention anything I’ve said or even ask me if I LIKE the sex things they listed as wanting to do to the woman in the position they are asking me to fill. They don’t ask my relationship status or interests or job or anything about me. They don’t even ask what I like. They don’t indicate a single thing about me that interested them, or if they do, which is rare, it’s a picture.
It’s nice to be thought of as attractive. That is very flattering. It’s nice that these couples are upfront about what they would like. Those things are awesome. What kinda blows is that it’s super clear that not a one of them gives the faintest damn what I want or need or desire and they aren’t remotely interested in me as a person. I’ve answered some of these form messages and often they are talking about what they would like me to do in bed and warning me off trying to steal them and telling me how they aren’t like everyone else because they will actually care about the woman that fills this hole, and they HAVEN’T ASKED MY NAME!
I love threesomes. I want to have more of them and have talked to my partners about them. One of my partners and I are sort of seeking opportunities for fun threesomes, but I have to admit that I cringe at the idea of being a “unicorn hunter”. I talked with him the other day about this. Doing dishes, we talked about some of our “prospects” and I felt creepy. To be clear.. I am not unicorn hunting. I don’t want to find a girl we can use and discard or that will fill some pre-described thing we’re looking for. I don’t want to have some woman service us and disappear or fall in love with us equally and at the same time. I don’t want a triad either, to be honest, or some complicated relationship thing. I understand these things happen, but ideally we’d have more of a fun with our friends kinda thing.. exploring things we all like and getting to know each other and THEN deciding what we want to do. I don’t want to put a lot of stipulations on it and I certainly don’t want a pack of rules or demands.
He pointed out that I am not creepy to be open to playing with or having fun with friends if they are ever interested. I don’t have some laundry list I want them to fulfill and I don’t have expectations. I don’t want to make a girl date both of us equally for some nefarious reason and I don’t have designs on getting just any woman to check some box. I don’t want a threesome because I’m afraid of him being with a woman without me or I think I shouldn’t want any men but him. I am open to a cool connection and fun with someone, if it should occur, and I’m open to facilitating it a little or at least being open about my desire for it.
So, back to unicorn hunters- I decided to make a form letter as a joke response to them.
Dear (couple/member of a couple/recruiting party),
Thank you for your interest in my (vagina, ass, butt, fingers, mouth, tongue, pussy, anus, clitoris, boobs, tits, breasts, body). I have received your description of yourselves and the attributes that should make me want to have sex with you. I think there may be a paragraph missing though because it didn’t seem like you asked anything at all about me or have any interest in me.
I also got your list of sexual things you would like a random woman to accomplish or do for or with one or both of you, but I will not at this time be able to accept your (list of demands/offer to have sex with you and go away). I regret to say that I am in fact a whole person with a life of my own and my own desires and such too. I know you didn’t ask, and I won’t bother you with details of me as a person, but I feel like I might make me unqualified to be your (fuck puppet, relationship enhancer/Saturday night entertainment/girlfriend on demand). Worse yet, I might want to date people and conduct relationships as I see fit and I feel I would be unhappy being at your beck and call.. ever respecting your private couple time and desiring none of that with anyone for myself. In fact, if I dated you both equally it might hurt my feelings that you would need alone time without me and I wouldn’t be allowed to have alone sexy or romantic time without one of you.
I wish you all the best in your hunt, and I apologize for my autonomy, thoughts, feelings, needs and desires. I’m sorry I could not be (your unpaid prostitute, there to fill all of your desires and conveniently not being a whole person for you). Take care and happy hunting!
I would almost certainly never actually send this to any well-meaning would-be suitors, but I am tempted to have such a thing at times. I’m going to keep this in mind though as I venture forth, hoping for that sexy time fun with a lovely woman or man and my partner. I hope I don’t need to actually remind myself that our friends and people I meet are not toys for my amusement, but you never know. 🙂