Things are smooth and there’s not an exceptional amount of stuff going on, but there is this one little thing that is delicately not that little. Work is busy and friendships are awesome and I’m feeling good. My relationships are good. Traveler and I are awesome, maybe even having little milestones. I feel like we’re getting more intimate and I feel like he’s just this tiny bit more open. We’re having fun, connecting, and really talking. We’re having beautiful affection and the passionate bits are wonderful and growing. Quinky Girl and I are excellent, talking often about everything and I love it. Boss and I are having some fun times, including a few things that weren’t kinky sexy fun. And I’m obsessing a little bit, thinking of getting my pussy piercings sooner than I’d planned. I just really fucking want them. I feel like I’ve been waiting forever now and there’s never a great time. And Cleveland and I are growing too. This, by and large, is wonderful. I feel closer to him, more affectionate, communicating more and about more real things. The sex.. oh God the sex is just better and better. He’s been just a little more emotionally available and he’s always been fairly available, so this is good stuff.
We talked about fluid bonding. Fluid bonding is exchanging body fluids and usually means not using condoms. Cleveland and I talked about fluid bonding as a someday thing and we were both just tested, so it’s not really much of a risk. He has his wife, who he is bonded with, and she isn’t bonded with anyone else at this time. He isn’t dating or planning to date others right now, and has only his long distance sometimes-lover and friend in Cleveland that he has safer sex with. I have safer sex with Boss and would if anything else came up, and Cleveland and I have been together 9 months. But with our growing closeness and a recent mishap, fluid bonding came up.
My feeling is that I want this, but it’s something that I want to do slowly, thoughtfully and right.
My hesitation isn’t that I don’t trust Cleveland. I do. Emphatically. I know he is honest and I feel it’s safe to entrust him with something so important. I am not able to be pregnant. I’m not afraid of the intimacy. We were both just tested. It’s not just that he can show me a clean bill of health. It’s that I can trust that I know him enough now to know that if any risk changes he would tell me. There are lots of reasons to say yes. It is a trust and a responsibility. There is something primal and animal about it. I want it.
So why do I want to say “yes but slowly”? Well, I want to talk to our other partners. I want to make sure that we address concerns, if they have any. I’d rather win hearts and minds on this than push anything. I’d like to hash out what it changes. It’s a delicate thing, navigating this. I don’t want to rush anything. We’ve been together for 9 months. And really, if I were going to ask for anything in our relationship it would be less limits on when he will schedule a date with me.
There is difficulty with conversations and such about sex and connection and trust. It’s close to the bone. It’s not a passionless discussion. It never is. When you talk about sex it’s often very careful treading. There are so many layers in this stuff. There is vulnerability and the fear of rejection. There are wants and needs and a lot of deep deep feels. It’s prickly stuff. I didn’t like and don’t like asking Cleveland to wait. It’s hard to look at his sweet face and not enthusiastically and eagerly jump at a beautiful offer, but I need to be cautious, so I talked to him about it and he talked to me too. I didn’t like hurting his feelings and frustrating him and I appreciated him talking to me.
Now, having said that… I’m kinda excited. I love him so fucking much and I’m excited at a step for us. And I won’t lie.. it’s hot. I love being safe and such and I don’t have issues with condoms or anything, but it’s hot to have that separation removed. I love fluid bonded sex. It’s romantic and intimate and a turn on in an animal way for me. And don’t make fun of me, but I love the feeling afterward. Hmm.. I could go on about that but strangely I’m embarrassed. That makes me smile. I talk about a lot of stuff here and THIS embarrasses me. Funny.