I can't write that

ImageI haven’t written a blog in something like 5 days.  It’s not that I’m not thinking things or that I don’t have anything to say.  It’s that I don’t have anything right now that I *can* say.  My little anonymous blog isn’t so anonymous.  Quinky Girl and I were talking about how sometimes you have to be careful what you say.  It’s a lesson I’ve learned painfully more than once.  I’ve said things I didn’t think were a big deal that were to others, thoughtlessly hurting people.  I’ve had people totally misunderstand the things I said or hear in them their own fears and insecurities.  I’ve just written some things poorly.  I’ve used my blog as a way to release tensions.. letting them out and letting them go and having them boomerang.  Very early on I tried to be funny and was hurtful, very hurtful, to a truly good human being.  I don’t get a say in how my words are interpreted and I likely don’t always know all the effects they have.  

I trust people to be adults and to police themselves by and large.  It’s a love, sex and relationship blog and if adults would be upset or angry or disapproving of any of the things I have to say about my love, my sex, or my relationship, I hope that they will move on.  I don’t read things that upset me.  But here’s the thing.  I have no way of knowing or guaranteeing that people will police themselves.  I can say that people chose this then, to upset themselves reading a silly blog, but the thing is that feelings can have real consequences.    So, I feel kinda crippled at the moment to talk much about what I’m thinking.  I care about ALL of the pieces in this big moving puzzle. 

I can tell you that generally I think things with me are good.  As for my love, my sex, and my relationships, I feel… tremendous.  Wonderful things are happening and I really like where I am and where I’m going.  I want to go on and on about that, but I feel like it’s a bad idea.  I’m worried about other things in the lives of those I love, but there isn’t much I can do about them directly so I’m trying to be supportive.  Patience isn’t my strong suit, but I’m proud that I have more than enough right now.  I tend to take on the emotions of others at times and I’m not right now, and I’m proud of that too.  

I think I’m going to do a post answering a bunch of questions I’ve gathered and I’ve decided to interview The Murder to do it.  That’ll buy me time to figure out what to say about other things.  I have kinky adventures coming up, and I promise I’ll find more to say.  Good lord… I can’t be shut up that easily.  🙂 

14 Comments

  1. It’s always awkward once your private writings aren’t so private anymore – but there are always quieter website forums, reddit, fetlife and friends to share the same info with if you need feedback while you process stuff if it needs to be done.

    Not that I think I could do so well at self policing myself if a lovely outspoken blogger was dating one of my partners and posting about it! I hope you find an outlet for your polycule feelings stuff you want to get out there until you can write what you want to write.

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  2. Gosh, just when I was getting into reading the blog and listening to the podcasts. Without knowing what happened or what was said, i do hope to read more of your thoughts and adventures soon. I’m new to this blog and this lifestyle, and what I’ve read and heard so far has answered some unasked or even un conceived questions. Of course, if you write a blog that may involve people you know, it’s almost inevitable that someone’s feathers get ruffled somewhere along the line. I’ve read enough to know that you care about people though, and here’s hoping you take pen in hand again soon (or Mac on lap, as the case may be). 🙂

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  3. Oh thank the Lord….LOL I miss you and your writing. I am sorry to hear you have to be careful not hurt those you love unintentionally with your writing. What is your stress release has become a stress and this makes me sad. Well if you start another blog let me know…I will follow you.

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  4. There are reasons I keep my blog private and nobody that I know reads it. I want a safe place to be able to vent my feelings and situations without feeling that I will be persecuted for those feelings or thoughts. Perhaps the Murder needs to work to understand that too. You too need a place that you can release your thoughts and sometimes its easier to release them through written word rather than speaking right away and saying something that may cause pain.

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    • Yeah.. I kept mine private for a long time too. It was suppose to be totally anonymous, but over time it just isn’t. I didn’t have it attached to anything of me. I never had my name and had only a picture of my feet and then later, my ass. From the beginning though it’s become less and less anonymous. It comes up as the first thing when you google seattle poly and is pretty high up in polyamory in general, so people found it and found it and found it, and finally I just admitted to myself it wasn’t going to be private no matter how I thought it would be.
      Almost immediately my blog was found by the wife of a very nice man I went out with and then had the extreme low class to make fun of “anonymously”. I have almost never felt like such a douchebag.

      Over time many people found it and then I got more comfortable with them reading it. At first I was mortified by some things.. them reading about my sexual kinks (fisting.. really??) and even worse about the tender things of my heart I put out here as my marriage fell apart. It was scary to me that my metamours might read it and be triggered and cut me off or be hurt or judge me. But I quickly got not only to accept people in my life reading the blog but to like it. I got more okay with the things I said and decided I would not censor the past and church it all up, and I would try to be somewhat thoughtful, but that I was doing some good with this thing and I didn’t want to stop. It helps me to write about this stuff, and it helps others too sometimes. Every now and then I get comments or emails where people tell me that my showing my ass (emotionally) helped them because they relate. I have gotten a couple of emails that made it all worth it.
      It’s thorny, this writing about love sex and relationships.
      But it’s good too.

      I am really supported by my murder and I’m blessed with amazing people in my life. I’ve learned that partner selection makes a BIG difference.

      Of the murder, some read and some don’t. Boss is an avid reader and podcast listener and has helped me more than a few times with things. I love his feedback and encouragement. Quinky Girl is a fellow blogger and we read each other’s blogs fairly regular. She is also a poly blogger (but tends to write more in an article style). I’m not triggered by her love of Traveler and love her even more for it. I think she feels the same. For the sexy stuff.. I just don’t go to her blog if I’m in a weird place. She seems to never mind talk about love and sex with Traveler. I don’t know if it’s her personality or her years of being open, but she’s got a very good perspective on this stuff. Cleveland reads occasionally and of course does the podcast with me. He skims the stuff about sex with others cuz he just doesn’t want to read it. He’s not a very jealous guy, but I think he smartly doesn’t wanna create trouble and I try to have stuff in the beginning of such blogs to warn people so they can choose. Cleveland’s wife read some and I think avoids it because it’s triggering. Peaches is about the same. Cleveland’s other girl in Cleveland read once or twice and said she liked hearing others enjoying that talented tongue of Cleveland’s. Boss’s others don’t read or know about the blog as far as I know. Same with Quinky Girl’s Jonah.
      Old boyfriends read it and that was constant drama. Traveler chooses never to read either me or Quinky Girl’s blogs and sees them as our places to work out stuff and he wants to respect that. He listened to one podcast I played him and I’ve read him a post here and there. Hubby never really read either.
      For my part.. I would very carefully read the blogs of my lover’s others. I have a fair amount of insecurity and it would likely be triggering to me at times.. so I’m careful and would be even more so if the other’s wrote a lot about my lover. I’ve made amazing progress on my stuff, but I know my limitations.

      So, in general it’s fine for me to write whatever. But sometimes things are happening in all of our lives that aren’t mine to talk about because it’s between people other than me.. or I know I can’t write about it without being upsetting, or my experience has taught me that this might come out in a way I don’t mean it. Or, sometimes I need to talk to people about things so I don’t communicate by blog.
      That’s kinda where I am. Things with me and mine are AMAZING but I’m figuring out how much to share. I’m not quitting.. just recalibrating. I’m just trying to be careful here. I don’t want my actions or words to be a cause for unnecessary harm is all. I’m figuring it out.

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  5. There is a large reason why my blog isn’t known by the people that are in my life. i have told them that if they stumble upon it, that they cannot judge me for anything that they read in my blog. My blog is my private place to vent my feels and get words out that sometimes i cannot get out via vocalization. Sometimes it’s a processing of my feelings and getting things worked through in my head rather than the final actual feeling that i am going through on a subject.

    i really enjoy reading your blog and your little Murder family. It is such fun to see all the interactions – good and bad – and know that there are other positive poly relationships out there!

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  6. I understand. I had to completely shut down my first blog last year when I made the mistake of telling someone locally, then later someone else locally found out via that person and threatened to out my spouse and I. We don’t live in Seattle, and the things I write about would have been more than enough to get me fired.

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  7. “I have no way of knowing or guaranteeing that people will police themselves. I can say that people chose this then, to upset themselves reading a silly blog, but the thing is that feelings can have real consequences. So, I feel kinda crippled at the moment to talk much about what I’m thinking. I care about ALL of the pieces in this big moving puzzle.”

    If you expect other people to “police” themselves in what they read, what’s so hard about “policing” yourself in what you write? I mean, isn’t that a fair question to ask?

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  8. I’m still trying to figure out how anonymous I should be for my blog. I’m new to all of this but can see how it may affect me if some of the stuff gets attached to my real life. That being said, everyone who knows me will be able to figure out my blog in a heartbeat.

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