I just had the oddest experience. I met my soon to be ex-husband to sign some last papers for our divorce. He came and brought our little dog, and I got to pet the cute little man while Hubby signed. Afterwards we briefly chatted and I asked after our pets. He had not after-all brought his girlfriend with him to sign our papers (as he’d planned). I like his girlfriend, who was our dog walker for years. She’s a good person and I think they make a nice couple. But, as nice as she is it’s a little annoying that he’d bring her to sign for our divorce.
It was pretty pleasant to see him. I watched him walk away and had the oddest sensation, like watching an intimately familiar stranger. I know every bit of his goofy walk and every curve of his face. I’ve watched him for the 13 years we were together. He said I knew him better than he knew himself. We were each other’s best friend in our many many moves. At the end of a cross country trip, where we’d been together every day for weeks with just one another, I’d told him honestly that he was the only human on Earth I’d happily spend that kinda time with. Most of my adult life I loved him. I still love him. I don’t want him back and the searing pain of it has faded to an ache. I’m happy now and am rebuilding my life. I finally looked at our photo album, but not yet our box of love letters. I looked at them and smiled that I loved someone so long and so well, and he loved me too. I imagine I’ll always love him and always hope he is happy. I see the things in him that I don’t miss and I’m not angry about the end in the same way that I was, but I’m also not pining. I have accepted finally, I think.
Sitting on the bench next to him, he just looked like a different person to me. He wasn’t mine anymore and he wasn’t the Hubby I knew. He has the same face and the same body. I remember meeting him and thinking he was kinda cute and really liking him. He made me laugh like crazy and he was so warm. Over time he became more and more handsome to me. I loved the lines on his face and the silver peppering into his hair. I loved his easy smile and his sweet brown eyes that were so soulful. I loved that everything he felt came across his face and I loved making him blush, anytime anywhere, by talking about sucking his cock. He’d turn red and wiggle. It was adorable. He was so gorgeous to me. I loved him so much. I knew that I was under the influence of love. I remembered thinking that he wasn’t quite as beautiful when I first met him. It was my respect for him and my affection that made him so very appealing. I loved the way his muscles dipped into his spine and his tiny tight little rear. I loved his broad shoulders and his crooked bottom teeth. I loved the way his feet pointed a little out and the way they moved when he walked and especially when he ran. I loved his long bicyclist’s legs. I loved his skin. I loved the way he tanned and the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed, with his hand over his mouth. After all those years I still melted when he kissed me.
And then yesterday I saw him completely differently. I wasn’t angry at him or upset. I was in a good mood and it was nice to chat like humans for a minute. I think I miss his friendship most of all and it was nice to enjoy a little bit of it. He just looked.. well.. like a spell had been lifted. He looks the same but the filters in my eyes are gone. I watched him walking away, his head kind of bent and his distinctive walk. The spell was gone. He isn’t magic to me any more. It was a little sad, but not tearful. I’ve accepted a while back now that we will never be us again and the tragic nature of that hurts still.. I won’t lie. I miss him sometimes still. I miss loving him and taking care of him and I miss the way he was when he was good. I hope the dog-walker is treating him well. I hope he is happy and loved.
I still know him so well, but the magic beauty he had is gone and it was absolutely disorienting. It’s nice not to be so angry. I don’t need that anger now. I could see that he doesn’t know me anymore and maybe he really didn’t know me anymore there at the end. This freedom from the spell is good. I didn’t want this, but it’s mine now and it’s good.
Birds flyin’ high, you know how I feel
Sun in the sky, you know how I feel
Breeze driftin’ on by, you know how I feel
It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me.
Yeah, it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me, ooooooooh…
And I’m feelin’ good.
Fish in the sea, you know how I feel
River runnin’ free, you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree, you know how I feel
It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me,
And I’m feelin’ good
Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don’t you know,
Butterflies all havin’ fun, you know what I mean.
Sleep in peace when day is done: that’s what I mean,
And this old world is a new world and a bold world for me…
Stars when you shine, you know how I feel
Scent of the pine, you know how I feel
Yeah, freedom is mine, and I know how I feel..
It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me
And I’m feelin’… good.