I’ve written maybe 7 rambling posts I’ll never post about this. Today was my divorce. It’s official.
I’m kinda more of a wreck than I thought I would be. I knew I was going to be a wreck, but I’m just raw. I’ve cried maybe 20 times today. I balled in my car, open mouthed wracking sobs after it was final. I cried in the shower and in my bed, and driving to and from the trial. I cried laying on the floor and in my chair. I just keep breaking down last night and today. I guess it’s my final pound of flesh.
Quinky Girl came with me to the courthouse and was there. Hubby didn’t show. He said he was too upset and couldn’t make it. Quinky Girl said that I just shouldn’t have to be in divorce court alone. Thank God for that. I broke down crying twice but it would have been way worse without her. Chicago and Chicago Boy met us at West 5 and we had cocktails and lunch and I had a sundae. It was nice to be loved.
At the courthouse she told me she loved me and promised she wouldn’t stop. She said a few times “You aren’t alone”, which of course is my darkest thought and biggest fear. I’m incredibly lucky to have such love. This divorce hurts, but it just has to. I told her in the courthouse that I knew I was going to be okay because I have been before. None of us gets out alive or unscathed, and my experiences have taught me that I will weather this too. It is the last step with Evan and I, and it’s over. It’s painful and sad and it really is a tragedy. I never never thought this would happen and I don’t understand really why it did, but I also see that as painful as it is, there are good things that are coming from this loss. The truth is that he wasn’t much of a partner and he was cruel there at the end. I’m already rebuilding my life and figuring out what to do with myself. And I’m happy most of the time.
She suggested a ritual, and I think I want to have one. I think it’s a good idea, but I’m not sure what it will include yet. Talking with her about it I think it should involve the water and it should have beautiful words. The water has a special thing for me and he proposed to me on the beach and we married on a bridge over water. Suggestions? I still have the hem from my wedding dress, and the gloves and cord from his dress whites that he proposed to me with. Maybe something with that?
Anyway.. it’s official. It’s over.