I'm Divorced

I’ve written maybe 7 rambling posts I’ll never post about this.  Today was my divorce.  It’s official.

I’m kinda more of a wreck than I thought I would be.  I knew I was going to be a wreck, but I’m just raw.  I’ve cried maybe 20 times today.  I balled in my car, open mouthed wracking sobs after it was final.  I cried in the shower and in my bed, and driving to and from the trial.  I cried laying on the floor and in my chair.  I just keep breaking down last night and today.  I guess it’s my final pound of flesh.

Quinky Girl came with me to the courthouse and was there.  Hubby didn’t show.  He said he was too upset and couldn’t make it.  Quinky Girl said that I just shouldn’t have to be in divorce court alone.  Thank God for that.  I broke down crying twice but it would have been way worse without her.  Chicago and Chicago Boy met us at West 5 and we had cocktails and lunch and I had a sundae.  It was nice to be loved.

At the courthouse she told me she loved me and promised she wouldn’t stop.  She said a few times “You aren’t alone”, which of course is my darkest thought and biggest fear.  I’m incredibly lucky to have such love.  This divorce hurts, but it just has to.  I told her in the courthouse that I knew I was going to be okay because I have been before.  None of us gets out alive or unscathed, and my experiences have taught me that I will weather this too.  It is the last step with Evan and I, and it’s over.  It’s painful and sad and it really is a tragedy.  I never never thought this would happen and I don’t understand really why it did, but I also see that as painful as it is, there are good things that are coming from this loss.  The truth is that he wasn’t much of a partner and he was cruel there at the end.  I’m already rebuilding my life and figuring out what to do with myself.  And I’m happy most of the time.

She suggested a ritual, and I think I want to have one.  I think it’s a good idea, but I’m not sure what it will include yet.  Talking with her about it I think it should involve the water and it should have beautiful words.  The water has a special thing for me and he proposed to me on the beach and we married on a bridge over water.  Suggestions?  I still have the hem from my wedding dress, and the gloves and cord from his dress whites that he proposed to me with.  Maybe something with that?

Anyway.. it’s official.  It’s over.

 

8 Comments

  1. OMG I want to give you the biggest hug right now. I am trying to divorce my husband, and our breakup was very bitter… Even still, I can imagine it feeling like my heart has been ripped out of my chest when those papers finally turn up at my door. I have a bottle of pink champagne that we were given as a wedding present that I’ve been waiting to drink for years at the divorce party I’ll inevitably have… I can’t wait to finally be free from him and his name, but at the same time, I know that will be one of the very saddest days for me. I loved him with everything I had and all he did was hurt me, in every way he could possibly have hurt me. Yet still the thought of it makes me sad.
    “Chin up” and other usual cliches probably won’t help you much here so I’ll just tell you to cry when you feel like crying. Sometimes a good cry is all you need – that moment passes and you’ll be okay again.
    Sending you all the love and happiest wishes in the world my dear xoxo

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  2. My first thought on a ritual is a gathering of people who love you around a bon fire on the beach. I don’t know how practical that is where you are. Then of course, I’d burn the things from your wedding, or maybe send out a copy of your wedding license, a love letter he’d written you, or something of that nature in a bottle into the sea. But maybe the burning of your wedding momentos is too bitter 😉

    It is always sad to see something precious end. I wish I had more words to offer you than just that.

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  3. Fire has been suggested, and it made me think of the Viking tradition of setting a body on fire while it floats away on a ship. I wonder if your dress lace/cords could be made into a little doll type thing, that could be set afloat on fire as a ritual?

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  4. Today you cry, but soon you’ll feel a thousand pounds lighter. I promise. As for a ritual…wonderful idea. I waited, and when the time felt right, I drove up into the mountains with a man who truly loved me, and I put on that wedding dress with the pearl buttons and the lace that I had spent hours embellishing with sequins… he built a fire and when I was ready he kissed me and ripped that damn dress off of me as I cried. We threw it into the fire, every piece, and I watched it burn. Then we had really good sex. 🙂

    It was awesome. You’ll figure out what feels right for you. You’re just that kind of girl.

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  5. I can understand how you are feeling. A quick insight to my past. I had turned my wife into a “hot wife” we took it to another level and she wanted me to start playing as well so we went to a web site and signed in as a couple. (she never wanted to see or hear about any of my play dates) real long story short. she started hiding and lying about it and finally ended up leaving me and moved him in to our house shortly after.

    Our divorce will not be final until November. We have two young kids and to see them is a constant reminder and by the end of my weekends sometimes I am ready and do break down. The hole in my heart is still there but everyday I picking myself up and moving forward. Some days are better than others but I keep waiting for what people tell me things happen for a reason.

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