Time After Time

Not surprisingly time is at a premium in multiple relationships.  There is a poly saying about it.  “Love might be limitless, but time and attention are not”.  Halleluiah and Amen.

ImageI’ve gotten to spend more time with Traveler lately and have hopes to spend more with Cleveland.  I don’t know exactly what changed with Traveler or why he has been more available or wanting to schedule more time with me, but fuck I like it.  We’ve still had our dates, but we’ve had time for other things too.. skiing here and there, a dinner, a night at World of Warcraft, a dinner and a snuggle.  I love it.  I absolutely love it.  I can’t get enough of that man and I’m exceedingly grateful for all of it.  Of course I love our time at Murder events too, and that’s increased as well, but it’s different.  It fills another need and it’s another thing to be grateful for.  What it feels like though, between him and I, is like maybe he’s letting me just a little bit more in.  His wife told me once that it takes about 5 years to really get to know him, and I’d believe it.  I feel I’m still here in the beginning a year and a half in.  But man, is it glorious slowly being let into his world and having him in mine!

I’ve also been having two date nights a week with Cleveland.  Sadly they still aren’t overnights or weekends, but I do have hopes that this is temporary.  It doesn’t feel good to be falsely capped, but It’s enough time that we actually have time to do other things sometimes, taking walks and going to coffee or just getting out a bit here and there, enjoying trivia or whatever.  It’s nice not to feel like every second is precious and rare date time that must be spent in some datey pursuit.  We actually had our first little bicker.  He was critiquing the way I added bitters to our drinks, and then the way my television aspect is set.  I was getting nice and thoroughly annoyed at him thinking his way was the best way for everything and I snipped.  We got snippy.  Afterwards we laughed.  Bickering is kinda real.  It’s a good thing.  We aren’t so polite.

A stop watch obscured by rain

A stop watch obscured by rain

I’ve also gotten to spend some time with Quinky Girl.  We’ve been having a dinner here and there, sometimes with or without Traveler, and I love it.  She’s a busy busy woman with work and her other relationship too, and it means a lot to me that she’s made time to include me in her life here and there.  The other day she called me down to a local place to look at kitchens with her and Traveler.  I love house porn (looking at houses, planning houses, dreaming about houses and renovations).  It’s funny too how close our tastes actually are, my love of clear unique or vintage-like fancy lights not withstanding.  It’s fun to be included, as moral support or motivation.  It’s fun to get to watch them make decisions and dream.  It’s good to be loved with time and attention.The hard part of time is that it’s limited.

When Boss and I began our whatever-ship he was clear that his priority was his partners.  He and I agreed we would like to have friendship and kinky sex and see each other maybe twice a month.  He was clear that he didn’t have time for another full relationship and honestly.. that was pretty perfect.  I happily agreed.  Besides my relationships, I spend time with friends and roller skate and hope to get good enough to roller derby on a team.  I also work full-time and have to do stuff like laundry and grocery shop and run errands. Other times I enjoy painting and writing.

Thing is, things changed a bit in Boss’s life and he and one of his partner’s circumstances changed and he found himself with more free time.  He overstepped one of our agreements.  It’s been a while coming.  We’ve had a few talks about this and it kinda came to a head and we talked it out.  It’s difficult because I like him but I don’t have the time free that he does now and things haven’t changed for me.  If anything my relationships with Traveler and Cleveland have deepened and my time is more limited.  Boss loved that I didn’t need him to fulfill my emotional needs or to be there in a consistent way when we got together, and now I can’t be there consistently and I’m not really available for his emotional needs on a consistent basis either (not that he’s asking me for that). But it takes some careful navigation.  How do we do this?  Ummm…I have no fucking idea.  I guess we talk about it as we have been and we try to negotiate something that works for both of us.  We have to find a new equilibrium or way to make this work.

 

A girl is laying in the rain smiling broadly with joy

A girl is laying in the rain smiling broadly with joy

Time time time.  So damn precious.  I just keep thinking how lucky I am, how blessed.  I can’t honestly believe I get to have the people in my life that I do.  I can’t believe I have friendship like I have with my old Army friend or Ph.D or Chicago and Chicago boy, or TexDom and Fishnet.  Love like I have with Quinky Girl is so precious.  Quinky Girl told me at my divorce, again, “You aren’t alone”.  “You aren’t going to be alone”.  I tear up even typing it.  It is my most poignant fear and a thing that touches my deepest soul.  And I believe she meant it.

It’s been a tough time in my life, this change.  I miss Hubby so much still.  But I have made the family I hoped for.  I told myself that I would find my family, and make it anew when my old one fell apart.  My friends have always been my family and then for a while my family was Hubby.  I see that I made a mistake building my life around him and I’m glad for maybe the first time ever that my own family was such a fucking wreck.  It gave me the ability to hope that I could build my own family again.  It was a hope that sustained me.  But honestly.. this family and this love is better than anything I hoped for.  I hoped but I wasn’t sure I would ever feel this.  I’m okay.  I’m actually okay and I really am not alone.

And then.. on top of all of that.. there is Traveler and Cleveland.  I feel like Traveler is my partner.  I feel like Cleveland could someday be.  The passion is fucking amazing.  I literally am breathless with it, driven mad, drunk on love.  His kiss is a thing that ignites me, excites me, drives me, thrills me and fills me.  This passion!  This connection!  And the affection.  I don’t beg them to hold me or wish he’d kiss me.  He is as inexhaustible as I am.  He NEVER tires of touching me, loving me, holding me, kissing me.  I pet my lover for days and walking out the door it is hard for him to not kiss me again.. and one more time.. one more time.  After mind-blowing hot crazy steamy sex, and after we have caught our breath, he looks deep into my eyes and says he just wants to spend the rest of the night holding me and petting.  He says “mine”, and he wraps his arms around me, pulls me close and we sleep without letting go.  I let the candles burn themselves out because I can’t stop touching him and he can’t stop touching me.  We fall asleep like that, like pretzels.  Even in his sleep when I roll away he wraps himself around me.  I asked him if he ever gets tired of all the petting or all the touch, or wants me to stop, and he so matter-of-factly says “no”.  Like it’s ridiculous that anyone could ever tire of snuggling.  I can’t believe my blessings!

A man stands happily in the rain (from Singing in the Rain)

A man stands happily in the rain (from Singing in the Rain)

We talk and talk and never run out of things to say.  We love just being together, doing such simple things.  I am so simply and so fully loved by a man I love to my core.  I can see it shining out from him.  He tells me all the time because I need to hear it, because I am like that, but I see it there in his eyes and I could know it even if he never said it.  I can’t not see it.

Which one?  Yes.  Both.  Such amazing amazing reasons to be grateful.  Such gifts of time.

 

6 Comments

  1. I really liked this entry, because it’s something my husband and I have been discussing a lot lately, and seems to be the main concern as we begin some new relationships, that jealousies or insecurities over HOW MUCH TIME we spend with each other (and with our son) will play out. Reading this was so helpful!

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    • I’m really happy it helped. I’m so curious about your thoughts on time. Do you guys already have agreements? It’s funny. I find I’m rarely jealous of my boyfriends wives time with them. I get more envious when I feel like MY time is super limited. Like.. If I spend two or three days with them and I feel really happy with our time, then I’m happy, regardless of having less time than others. Like it doesn’t even cross my mind. Now, as a wife I was occasionally more envious of the girlfriends time. I felt like I got distracted working laundry, bills, cranky, tired, busy hubby and they got fun happy hubby in date mode. Again though.. Even if it was just one date a week… I wasn’t envious if I got my date and felt connected. I guess it’s more about where I’m at with my relationship.

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      • So far we haven’t had an issue, but it’s more like the fear of the ‘what if’ of time being a problem, and I think it’s more because we have a young child than the actuality of being apart. When we were just married without a kid, I loved it when he was out doing his thing and I could do mine (though open relationship wasn’t a part of our life then), but now I notice we get sometimes resentful if we’re “stuck” at home with the kid while the other is doing something fun (even if it’s just with friends).

        Your assessment of the amount of time vs. the quality of time experienced is right on, I think. We talked about it last night, where like even just knowing that he ‘could be around’ sitting on the couch is more what we’re worried about feeling jealous of, than the actuality of really NEEDING him to be around. Does that even make sense? I don’t feel jealous that my girlfriend spends almost every night a week with her husband, as long as our time together is quality.

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