A week night.  A weak night.  I’m here and having a nice night to myself, relaxing and watching Game of Thrones.  But I’m tired. I’m so very tired.  I’m bone tired.  I’ve had a headache for 4 days and I’m just so tired.  I’m overworked this week and stressed.  I’m tired and sore and my body hurts.  I keep popping my jaw.  I can’t let down my shoulders, they are so tight.  t have to push just a little bit further.  I just have to push through and get my big work project on the rails and I’m so very close.  I got a massage, which didn’t help much, and I had a lovely if frustrating date with Cleveland this week and a nice time with dinner and hanging with Traveler.

Traveler didn’t spend the night because he needed to be home.  He too is tired and stressed.  He just felt overwhelmed and needed to go home and he asked me to understand, so I did.  How could I not?  I love him and he asked me to understand that this is what he needed.  I gave him my acceptance fully that day.  I really want for him what he needs.  And I’m grateful, so grateful for any and all time with him.  I love him.  Days later though, in my empty bed I feel a little sting of it.  I’m sad, so sad that he he was so tired he couldn’t stay, so tired that being with me wasn’t what he needed.  I’m weak just now.  I can’t help but wonder what that means, that my love was so overwhelmed and so stressed he needed to leave me my arms.  Don’t read into that.  Don’t read into that.  Breathe.  We fell asleep holding one another and when we woke in the night he rushed on home.

I don’t love it and wish he pined for my comforting arms as I pine for his.  I sleep well alone.  It’s just that on a weak night I think things about the man who I love that never sleeps in my bed and the one I love that was so tired he needed to leave it.  I’m not spinning, no.  I don’t have the energy for it.  But I’m a little low tonight, a little sad.  Tomorrow seems far away.  So I’ll write a whiney blog blog and I’ll snuggle my pillow.  I told my confidant how I felt and was understood.  That is enough.  I felt eased.

I want to hold my love tonight.  I just want the warmth and the love and presence in my bed.  I want the comfort of this touch.  I want to curl up and it’s been too long.  But sometimes life is like that.  Sometimes we have a weak moment or a weak night and it’s my turn I guess.  I won’t pressure him.  I’d never pressure him.  But it is what it is that he needed not to be here just as I needed him here.  I’m grateful for the evening and grateful for dinner and talk and snuggles.  I never want to do anything to discourage it.   I’m going to focus on that, my gratitude.

Tt’s just a weak week night I guess.  Shrug.  I’ve been here before and I’m sure I will again.  Thankfully I know what to do with this.  I let it out.  I remember all the reasons for gratitude in my life and I remember this isn’t the end of the world.  I’ll go lay in my bed and sleep with my warm comforting blankets.  I’ll get a good night sleep and hopeful wake rested.  I’ll put one foot in front of the other and I’ll get my big work event done.  I’ll hold him tomorrow and I’ll soak that up.

Breathe.  Let it go let it go let it go.  I’m alright I’m alright I’m alright.

9 Comments

  1. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. I may be off as I’m not part of a poly murder but perhaps thinking of the situation differently is helpful. Perhaps Traveler needed the safe compfy feeling of being home. I may be complely wrong but for me, my home is where i feel most secure. Its a hot bowl of potato soup on a cold rainy day.

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  2. I know you know this – and you have probably experienced it. Sometimes you want to just be alone, and I have found myself wanting to leave dates with my loves when I’m overly stressed just so I can do a hobby by myself or curl up in front of the TV, and it’s just about my energy being gone, and not because I don’t want to be with them. And I can TELL my leave in partner to leave me be, I can’t be at a partners house and tell them to go away so I can be by myself 😉 The fact he feels safe enough to ask for what he needs is pretty awesome, so just remember that.

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    • Exactly. We do have our regular overnights and I understood before and after. I support him doing what he needs, honestly, but I wanted to be honest too that in my little weak moment it made me sad to think how I hadn’t been home. We all are allowed the things we need, and it’s good to get that, but I had to admit in my dark little moment it made me sad. Thanks for getting it

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