Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater

ImageI’ve been looking on OKC a little more.  I’m not really looking to date much at this point, but I guess I’m getting a little curious.  I’ve been perusing the ladies, and looking at a few guys with really specific interests (kink).   I’m not really looking to date so very much as maybe find a playfriend.  In a perfect world, well.. I’d find a kinky person or a bi woman to have fun times with, but I’m open to whatever and not searching too damn hard.

If I add any pics or answer any questions I kinda “wake up” my profile and get messages, so I’m not doing that.  But I have actually logged in more lately so that starts a trickle.  So far I found one woman I wanted to meet who wanted me to fuck her boyfriend and pretended she was interested in me when she isn’t.   I’ve also exchanged messages with dudes who turned out to be married and thought me being open meant I’d happily help them cheat on their wives.  I think they didn’t understand open or poly.  I usually just don’t engage or respond to such messages.  One guy sent me two copies of the exact same long generic message a few weeks apart.  I don’t know why they don’t use a spreadsheet or something to let them know who they’ve spammed already.  I replied that he’d already sent me that message and that I wouldn’t be answering cut and paste messages that dudes sent out to every chick, looking to see what sticks.

He replied that he knew I’d already received his message and that he isn’t a cutter and paster, but we were such a good match he had to try.  Yeah.  Right.  And we were a terrible match.  I say a few times in my profile that honesty is important to me and I don’t date anyone cheating on anyone in any way.   I have no idea why I engaged either.

ImageSo he says that he isn’t really cheating because he has no choice.  He HAS to sleep with women behind his wife’s back and lie to her about it because he has no choice.  He is in a sexless marriage and therefore he must keep profiles online and cheat on her with other women.  I didn’t answer that… but really?

What a cowardly thing to say.  Of course he has a choice.  He could tell her that he isn’t happy in a sexless marriage and that he will be sleeping with other women and take the consequences of being honest and letting her choose what she wants too.  He could divorce his wife or open things up.  He could be honest with her that he can’t be in the marriage as it is and either change it or leave.  But nope.  He’s sneaking around feeling justified because he’d rather try to avoid the consequences of living honestly and keep the benefits of her loving him without treating her with enough love to be honest with her.  He could tell her what he needs and give her to the opportunity to change, or to allow for alternatives, or to choose something else for herself.

I have cheated before and I’m sorry.. I just don’t buy the “I had no choice” defense.  I was never able to justify cheating to myself.  I can’t tell myself that it’s okay to break my promise because my partner was a jerk, or I was mad at them.  It wasn’t okay for me to cheat because my partner didn’t have sex with me or pissed me off or disappointed me.  I understand of course that people make terrible decisions sometimes or do terrible things, but I”m not going to accept the defense for it.  It’s wrong.  It was wrong when I did it and it’s wrong when others do it.  I cheated on 4 of my relationships and I see that each one was a bad thing to do and my wrong.

ImageThe first time I cheated was on my first love. He and I had an extremely intense romantic passionate connection.  I didn’t know it at the time, but it was a rare connection.  I could feel his presence on my skin when he walked into a room.  We wrote each other poetry and songs.  We’d stay up all night long, years into our relationship worshiping each other, kissing, touching, reading to one another, sharing music and making love.  In the years we were together we had sex an average of 4 times a day.  Average!  We were dirt poor and didn’t have a TV.  We lived in a cold water flat and had nothing and we were so blissfully happy.  We were so poor, for Christmas I made a tree out of paper and hung it on the wall and we gave each other presents we’d made and wrapped in newspaper.  I still remember the lopsided cat he made me because I loved cats, and the pencils in a cup with paper flower heads he’d painted for me. I thought that this is what relationships were like.  I had no idea that was rare.  When we’d first gotten together he’d been seeing a woman, a singer in another band, and for a short time into our relationship and into us falling in love he kept sleeping with her.  I found out years later that he’d cheated all during those first heady months and I couldn’t get over the fact that this dishonesty had been there all along.  She was sultry and sexy and amazing in all the ways I’m not.  She was from Columbia and had thick pouty lips and a voice of velvet.  Every guy we knew wanted her.  She was the epitome of sex appeal.  My jealousy ate at me and eventually I slept with a man I’d been sleeping with before my love and I had gotten together.  I picked my love up from work, having not showered or brushed my teeth from having sex all day with this other man, and I pretended I was sick so my love wouldn’t kiss me.  I told my love shortly after and we’d remained in a stalemate of not forgiving each other (me for his old transgression and him for my recent one) until we destroyed our ability to be together.

ImageThe next time I cheated was on the boyfriend I’d planned to break up with the NIGHT his father died.  He showed up crying and I could not break up with a man who’s father had suddenly died and I stayed a number of months after that and I cheated on him.  I thought (wrongly) that it was kinder to stay with him and cheat than to break up with him.  Had I been a less selfish and self-serving inconsiderate ass I would have stayed a small number of months with him to comfort and be there, and not commenced having sex with others for that time, because it’s not like it would have killed me.  So what I really did was torture a man who loved me by pulling away and lying more and more to him until I eventually left.

Image My third cheat was in a sexless marriage while I was on temporary duty in the Pacific Ocean.  My husband and I had not had sex in a year and a half, and this was after about 2 years of rare sex only when I demanded it.  I’d tried to cheat once and been unable to do so.  I had sort of shut down to be a good wife and with my affair I felt like I work up.  I realized that I could not stay in my marriage and be faithful and I could not be a person who cheated and felt okay about it, so I came home and asked for a divorce.

The final time I cheated was with a man I didn’t even really like that much.  He was kind of an asshole.  We had chemistry all right, but that was about it.  I had just had my first miscarriage and it had left me healing for a couple of months from the traumatic surgery and aftermath, most of it alone.  My husband had volunteered to go to the gulf, a few weeks after I lost the baby and before I was actually physically healed.  I was falling apart and he ran to war.  I had moved to Virginia to be with my husband and knew nobody.  I had spent a few months here and there working out of town and little time here and there at home.  I was pretty devastated and broken.  I knew even when I had sex with the guy, that one time, that it was absolutely the wrong thing to do and that it would make me miserable, but I wanted to feel ANYTHING but what I felt at the time.  I used that man like heroin, for a brief escape.  I cried when he was still in me, after we’d come, knowing it was the worst possible thing to do, a huge mistake, and that I loved my husband beyond all reason.  I’d thought because I loved my husband so much that I wouldn’t be able to cheat and it was safe to flirt and feel something other than the weight of everyday, and of course I was wrong.

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I had reasons maybe, for the ways I broke my word, but the truth is (and I knew this even then) that they are excuses and not real justifications.  There simply aren’t many (if any) good reasons to lie and cheat.  I don’t care how much I want it or what need it would fulfill.  I wanted to cheat many times throughout the years too where I hadn’t, most of my relationships in fact, and I kept thinking I was exceedingly broken to love someone so fully and still to be curious about and to want other things.  I was careful to reign in my behavior because every time I cheated it was such a disaster.  I was open a lot and had a lot of casual relationships to avoid hurting anyone, and careful to be faithful when I’d made my rare promises.  I’m not a person who can commit wrongs and easily brush them off with flimsy excuses.  Breaking your word is wrong.  Period.  I like being open because I can honestly and openly be me and want the things I want without hurting people or breaking my word, but it’s not like I don’t know that breaking an oath is bad.  So yeah.. I don’t accept flimsy excuses like “I had no choice” or “but they were mean” or “but we don’t get along”.  Fuck that.  Wrong girl.

ImageWhat do you think?  Is cheating sometimes okay?  Do two (or two million) wrongs make a right?

 

5 Comments

  1. I cheated on my first husband. I don’t know…I know people who say I didn’t. But, I broke my vows, so, in my opinion, I cheated. I wanted to hurt him, I wanted to make him understand how I felt after he cheated. Not knowing he never would understand. He said I could, he said he didn’t care. And, for 6 months this other man made me feel wanted.

    IMO, cheating isn’t ok, it’s never ok. I freely admit I was wrong, and if I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t. I know how people justify it to themselves, I know how I justified it, still doesn’t make it right or ok.

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  2. I am certain that there are situations in which cheating is okay. I won’t say that it’s ever “right”, but at the same time I do not believe in right and wrong when it comes to things like this. Things are ethical or unethical, hurtful or harmless, but as far as morals go…they are so subjective that I’m not sure they exist.

    Philosophy aside, I truly believe that they are exceptions to every rule. Nothing is *always* right or *always* wrong.

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      • I agree that it’s all fine and good to know right from wrong and that people don’t live it a vacuum. Empathy comes in because we’re humans and we all make bad decisions or choices that aren’t good sometimes. None of us is getting out alive. Having said that though, I don’t think that means I say what I do is right or I had no choice or I’m absolved because of the situation. It makes me relatable or human maybe, the circumstances, and it’s good to remember we don’t act in a vacuum, to understand what contributes to my wrongs. But I learn nothing by and it’s a lie to say that because things are bad this wrong is ok. There are lots of rights choices available there too… And seeing that might help me to make those right choices. If it’s bad… Leave. Or ask for a change. Or be honest about where that puts you and what you will do. Right? It’s not easy all the time. But I do think being clear in my own mind about right and wrong helps me try to be the person I want to be. If I fuck up I change and try to make amends, directly if possible.

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  3. I would say cheating is always wrong, since it’s all about breaking the deal with someone, hence betraying someones trust and probably hurting this someone.
    Having something on the side when it fits into the agreement (open relationship, don’t ask don’t tell, poly varieties, whatever) isn’t cheating in my book as long as you abide by the rules you’ve set with your partner.

    There are of course a grey zone when you have no agreement, a sexual limbo where the moral sense of the involved persons alone is what draws the lines – and here, I think, lies the problem: No two persons will have the same moral standards unless they have discussed them with each other and reached a consensus and therefore, what one sees as cheating, the other may not and vice versa.
    And I think, or fear, that most of the romantic/sexual relationships in the world have this little potential problem built into them since it may be a difficult subject to bring up – and not just a little controversial.

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