One of the nice things about living openly is that my old friend coming into town means I get to have fun introducing him to the people in my life without worry. All of them have asked me “Is it okay to talk freely?”, “Are there things.. ahem.. he shouldn’t know?”. Nope. I had to laugh too because people have asked if he’d delicate, or if he’d judge them because they were going through something, or if they should “behave around him”. Heh.
The idea that I’d be close friends with someone for 13 years and they’d be delicate or easily offended makes me laugh.
Ph.D, my friend, visited from Colorado. He came to this academic conference and to see me and have a good time. He is not, in fact, delicate nor easily offended. And I told everyone when they asked to speak freely. I’m not sure what would shock or offend my dear Ph.D, but I’m quite sure my friends and loves would have to struggle mightily to find it. On the flip side, he asked and I let him know that he could talk to my loves and my friends about anything. Hell, a few people at my work know a little bit about my life and if others found out I’d be relieved. When I began my job 5 years ago I was a very happily married monogamous woman.
We opened up, and a couple of years later broke up (not directly related) and it’s hard to figure out how to say “by the way I’m in love with a man I’ve been dating almost 2 years, some of which was when I was married to my husband”. Well.. actually that kinda answers that. You say something like that I guess. Or maybe you just leave off the dates. Maybe you just say you’re in an open relationship with these two guys and it’s working. I’m going to do exactly that eventually. When we talk about what we all did on the weekend, or plans, I mention that I did this with a man I’m dating. I know they assume I’m either not dating these men very seriously, or that the more relationship stuff is all the same man. Whatever. If I ever have good reason I’m fine with outing myself at work. I sort of think (like a friend says) that poly people have a responsibility to out themselves in casual situations. I think this is how acceptance starts, with familiarity.
So, yep.. good visit with Ph.D. I was going to write a much longer and more in depth post about this, but well.. I’m not. The visit was wonderful. I loved having my friend here and loved some time with him. Oh? You hear a but? Yeah. There is a but.
Ph.D. and I had a bit of the awkward sauce when it came to sex, and namely that we wouldn’t be having it. He was a totally awesome dude about it, but yeah.. it was a little awkward. So the first night he slept in my bed, as we’d planned because until days before his arrival I had no couch and only my bed to sleep in. He and I have had flirty times and had discussed the possibility that maybe someday he and I would have sex, but before this trip we agreed that there were no promises of anything other than our awesome friendship.
So the first night was great, tons of talk, fun, a walk.. awesome. Then we went to bed. The cuddling was a w k w a r d. It started face to face and that was odd. My brain just kinda boggled. It was nice. Wait. Cuddling my long time platonic friend in a slightly sexy way was nice?!? Wait.. what is that between us? Um.. boggle. I had him roll over and spooned him and that was less awkward but still odd because of the still sexy way there was petting. It wasn’t buddy snuggles. Eventually we did fall asleep and I woke to him spooning me and there it was again… something between us. I moved. He moved. Why was this so odd for me? I don’t know. I hadn’t slept much and we got ready to go to work for me and his conference for him. Okay.
At work I thought about it a lot. I kinda chewed on it and then realized, this is goofy. Ph.D. is my amazing wonderful friend! What the fuck SeattlePolyChick, just talk to the man. You KNOW you can tell him anything. He’s the fucking shiz. Before I did we had an evening around others and my idiot friend torturing me about whether Ph.D and I were dating or had dated and if we had fucked or were going to fuck or what. That and pointing out to Ph.D. that I have an anti-attraction to facial hair. Oh man. Punching my friend in the neck seemed like a really good plan. Oi vey.
So, on the way home and alone at last, we talked. It was very late and we were both tired, but we had to hash it out before we both climbed in my bed again. I love this man. I love him to pieces. I could not let this fuck shit up. So I told him I didn’t think us sleeping together or having sex was a good idea. I explained how much he meant to me and why I thought it was a bad idea, and though it was hard to do, fearing I’d hurt or disappoint him, I just told him. Hugely to his credit, he was pretty fucking awesome about it. He reminded me that my pussy wasn’t what he loves about me. We have never kissed and never been involved romantically and he said he wasn’t disappointed. He said he’d like to have sex, obviously, and that he thought it’d be amazing and all of that, but that was no part of why he loved me or why he was here. He just loved me and wanted to be with me. I gotta admit that touched me. I have old old tapes about my worth and sex, and I healed this long ago, but it still touches a very old part of me that a man would love me utterly in the absence of sex.
Of course it came up what felt like 97 more times in conversations with all the other people in my life as they met Ph.D and if I’d actually punched everyone in the neck that mentioned that awkward sauce, let’s just say that almost all of the people in my life would be hoarse right now. But, we got through it. I love him and he loves me, and it doesn’t really matter why, but the stars didn’t align for him and I to have a sexual relationship, and you know.. that’s perfect. My longest relationship in life with my best friend since 9th grade is a man, and we’ve never had any kind of sex either though we love each other to the core. Shrug. I like fucking my friends actually, though usually in a more casual way. But sometimes it just isn’t meant to happen, and that’s good too.
So our nice visit concluded and my lovely friend is back to Colorado and I have been catching up with my loves. It’s been a hectic week for most of us and I spent good time relaxing recharging and reconnecting with my sweet men. And holy shit holy shit holy shit has it been phenomenal. I’ve enjoyed the gift of our time together in every way. I’ve delighted in the talking and touching and kissing and laughter. And the sex! I jokingly told one of my loves that maybe we should go almost 2 weeks without sex more often, but I laughed too hard to even say it. I’m about to celebrate a year with Cleveland and am a little shy of two with Traveler and I see no end to the rabbit hole of desire there… none. It goes deeper deeper deeper and I am surprised all the time. I literally can’t stop smiling today. I embarrassed him telling him how amazing he was last night. Getting lost in passion, can’t stop kissing, aching with the force of my feeling, surprised and delighted constantly, and so madly in love… deeper deeper deeper I go. Being open and honest and loving works here and there too. What a tremendous gift of freedom and support and love. Sigh. Happy sigh.