It’s come to my attention that I need to accept the love in my life. I had life experiences that led me to believe that there is a lot of danger in wanting and loving and trusting and believing. I have little experience that says this is a good idea. And it’s time I decided to jump anyway. I can’t keep living so that I am always prepared to the inevitable fall because it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, but more importantly because living life in fear is no way to live.
I’m going to exaggerate this to make my point. When some kind of disappointment happens I jump to feeling stupid. I jump to tell myself “well.. there it is. You are a big dummy to fall in love like this.. see… see.. here is the proof of some terrible thing. You are dumb. He doesn’t love you. She will walk away like everyone else. You are a fool.” Obviously it’s not this obvious, because I’d never tolerate such a thing and I’m actually kinda smart. No.. it’s subtle. It’s the way I interpret some action and have this tinge to my perceptions. Time and time again I’ve have some occurrence, imagined the worst, spun, and then talked about it or got more info and felt silly because of course I know he’s not like that or she would never do that. Why do I jump to cruel intentions and self flagellation? I’m not a glass is half empty kind of girl. I’m the girl seeing the silver lining in everything. So, what’s up with the incredibly negative slant I have here sometimes?
Well, it doesn’t take a genius to get that I have a bit of abandonment stuff from childhood. Duh. It’s also not shocking that even though I made tremendous progress on that years and years ago and I was in a good place, that my husband summarily dumping me after months of verbal and emotional abuse, and saying hurtful lies to cause me pain on his way out may have set me back a little. But still. Still. With the overwhelming evidence of love and support and connection and passion and trust and communication and affection.. why do I jump to this dark interpretation sometimes?
Well it’s because I have work to do. I need to get it into my deepest little places that I am okay. I don’t need Traveler and I don’t need Cleveland. I don’t need Quinky Girl or my ex-husband. I want the people I love and want. I want them and I love them and I am richer and happier and more fulfilled with them and they’ve helped me survive and thrive. People need love and support, and I need love and support like I need shelter, but if I won’t actually die if I lose these important people who have so much meaning in my life. People have their hearts broken every day and it feels like I’ll die when it happens, but I won’t. However big the fall, so far I have survived. It would be horrible to lose my loves, and it was horrible to lose Hubby and Great Date and other loves in my life. Break-ups suck, no doubt about it. But I would survive. I have before and I would again.
I need love, but I don’t have to fear so vividly the potential end. It’s a mistake for me to interpret things darkly when I do so most of the time. Time and time again I’ve learned the terrible thing was a shadow. Yes.. some of those shadows in the past really were the deep dark thing I feared, but most of the time they weren’t.. and living always pulling up shadows is no way to live. I’m blessed with lots of love and support and at a I year and 2 years now, my romantic relationships are wonderful and my friends are a family more wonderful than any I could ever hope to ask for. The evidence is overwhelmingly positive that I love good people who love me too. We will take turns fucking up over the years and we’ll hopefully take turns forgiving. Humans let you down because they are human and they surprise you with their capacity for beauty for exactly the same reason.
I just wanted to call myself out on this. I can’t make the world and its people do anything, but I alone can make myself stop soothsaying all the negative and piling on the fear. I can take off my dark glasses. I can assume the best of the people I love and that love me because time and again they keep proving my scared little mind wrong. I have evidence that bad things happen but I have more evidence that good things happen when you love people. That’s it. No more Cassandra.