Feeling The Wrong Stuff

Sometimes in polyamory I feel 47 things at once.  Events happen or situations exist and I feel for those I love in them, or I feel the mix of this for them and this for the other them and this for me.  Sometimes I feel stuff I don’t want to feel or stuff I “shouldn’t” feel.  I want to be a Grace Kelly, ever wise and gracious and good.  I have heard poly people say they thought poly made people “more emotionally evolved”, and I totally disagree.  I think it gives us more obvious examples to work on our shit though, if we’re willing to do it.  But people in any kind of relationship deal with stuff.  Humans have to deal with stuff because we are human.  I still want to be loved and accepted.  I still get scared and frustrated and envious and prideful.  I react poorly to things at times and entertain negative thoughts here and there.  I’m in NO WAY emotionally evolved or exempt from feelings.  I have a little practice looking at this stuff and working on it, but I’ll never be done.  I can’t swear other poly people aren’t like this, but anecdotal evidence would suggest it’s true since they are human.

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What might be different is that some people who seem to do well in poly examine their feelings and talk about them.  They ask themselves why they feel the things they do and try to address those needs within themselves and in their requests to their partner.  Thing is, this is NOT just a polyamorous thing and it’s not common to all poly people either.  And none do it perfectly all the time.  We are all, all of us, subject to pride and envy and fear and loneliness and insecurity and need.  We’re also all capable of grace and support and love and compassion and generosity and courage.

I had a really fun weekend with a super fun strip show and a morning with Traveler, a lunch and chat with Quinky Girl, dinner and hanging with RollerGirl, a party at Jonah and his other partner’s house with Quinky Girl and Traveler, and a quiet morning here at home as I slowly wake up.

And I have to admit I’m having to do a little work here.  Sigh.  It’s never done.  I woke up and was looking at my schedule for this week and felt embarrassed about being pouty for a minute last night when I realized I wouldn’t see much of Traveler this week and wouldn’t have any time with him this coming weekend.  The thing that makes this ridiculous is that we are going on vacation together Monday after the weekend and we’ll spend 5 days together.  It’s the fourth of July this weekend, so Friday will be with everyone at a party he and Quinky Girl are throwing, and then Saturday he’s hanging out with Peaches, and then spending Saturday and Sunday with Quinky Girl before both she and he go out of town separately.  And I felt pouty.

See.. the thing is I can see this two ways.  And for a minute I went one way.

My thought was.. it’s been a month since I’ve had a Saturday with him.  We’ve been planning to make my coffee table and go on this chocolate tour that happens on a Saturday and I’m nervous to use the Group-On for that before it expires.  He and I both were away for a weekend not-together and the week before that we had one weekday date where he arrived at like 8pm, worked while I made dinner and went to bed at 10 since he’d been up since 5:00 or so, and a very quick dinner later that week where we met up for 45 minutes to see each other before our trips.  The week after we got back we had a date at my house where he arrived at almost 9 for dinner, after needing to talk with Quinky Girl before her date and a Wednesday date where he arrived too late for us to have “us” time like we’d planned, and a Friday date with me where he arrived so much later than planned that we had to wolf down McDonalds because we didn’t have time for dinner.  I don’t get a lot of days with him and I hate it when life intrudes on that.

Um.  That’s one way to see things.  But it’s a slant.  See the week before we both traveled was hectic, but we’d made time to see each other for that tired but lovely week night.  He did arrive very late and did work, but we also had a great conversation over dinner and snuggled and watched a show.  Then we’d had a lovely hour or so of petting and snuggling and slept all wrapped up together.  I get so blissed out touching and being touched by him and I woke up blissfully happy.  And it was really nice to be with him even on a tired weekday while he worked.  I played on my laptop next to him and we exchanged kisses and such here and there.  I like spending time in proximity and I love that sometimes we do this normal stuff.  It feels so good.  It’s also true our other date that week was only 45 minutes long, but how cool is it that we wanted to see each other so badly we’d squeezed in that dinner and I’d felt wonderful just to have briefly seen him and kissed him.  He makes me feel so loved and so happy when he does stuff like that, makes such an effort to see me.

It’s also true that we have been busy and running around but I’d enjoyed doing things with him like trivia and a poly strip show.  I love all of our dates this month.  I even told him so.  I’m so crazy about him and I’m so happy.  We’ve begun spending two days a week together as dates, and I have loved dinners or WoW or whatever here and there.  I feel included and loved and happy.

I felt so stupid for being pouty.  I see a lot of him and I love it.  We talked the other night about how happy this relationship is.  For that matter, he’s been opening up more, and I treasure it.  And we have had some of the hottest and most connected sex we’ve ever had.  It gets better and better.  The other night he laughed a few times watching how he made me come and come and come.  I could not stop and I think he loved the way he was making me feel.  And we’re about to go out of town and spend 5 days together!!!  I couldn’t be happier.

So.. um.. what was that pouty thing about SeattlePolyChick?  I’m embarrassed.  Well, it was a lack of perspective on my part.  I’m sad I’ll only see him once this week because I always love to see him and I let myself be pouty about it.  It’s okay to love him and to want to see him and to miss seeing him much during a week, even if I’ll spend a huge amount of time with him next week.  Of course I’d like to see him every week.  It’s not like most people think to themselves that if they see the people they love a lot this week they won’t miss them next week.  It’s kinda a good thing to love and want to see your boyfriend.  But pouty wasn’t nice.  I was wrong, and luckily I saw it quickly, and I made amends and owned it, apologizing last night and again today when I thought about it.

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 And yeah.. some of this was about Cleveland that I just misplaced.

I’m working on it.  We talked more tonight and I leveled.  The other day when we talked I told him I’d kinda reached my wall but I hadn’t really admitted what I wanted.  Partly it was because I was figuring it out and partly it was that I didn’t want to demand it.  I need to be able to see him on the weekends and I need overnights.  I need the extra time of it and the opportunity to have more of a relationship, if that’s what he wants too.  So I told him.  I might not get it and it might not be possible.  But I told him.

 

 

3 Comments

  1. One of the things I learned during my 20+ year-long poly experience is that even in a closed group, you not only have to manage “activities” but your emotions (and everyone else’s). There just aren’t enough hours in a day, keeping all of the stuff that makes up everyone in your group straight in your head, and I know I had days where I really questioned if there was truly enough of me to go around.

    Life has always had a knack for screwing things up; you understand this and being poly really makes you understand it and all you can really do is go with the flow as best you can while being aware that your emotional state can be all over the place as well. And while you can manage the relationships – depending on one’s skill at this – trying to manage your emotions isn’t that easy because you really do want to avoid any negative emotions that might screw things up… but we’re only human and while we might take great care not to dump those negative emotions on our poly partners, they’re still hanging around, aren’t they?

    I often wondered if I needed to be more emotionally disciplined, you know, to be more “Vulcan” in my behavior so that I wouldn’t feel the wrong things that would get me thinking about worse things but I also realized that if I did that – pretty much cutting myself off emotionally from the group – I actually wouldn’t be the person they all fell in love with… it’s complicated, right?

    So you just deal with it as best you can and it’s always a reminder that when you’re thinking about managing the relationship, you also have to manage yourself as well.

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  2. Ya know, I have this one self help book I open to random pages when I’m struggling, and it always helps me get perspective. I just realized that the majority of your blog posts are like that too – it’s just I dont go look at them when I’m stressed, they pop up in my RSS feed and I’m like.. “FUCK, that was useful to read right now.”

    So thanks, I needed a little perspective shift because some rough stuff I’m going through in one relationship is coloring everything a bit, and I just wanted to say I am glad you write as much as you do so I get those little kicks in the ass when you post.

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    • I can’t tell you what a comment like that means to me. Sometimes I feel like an idiot throwing all this stuff out there.. and other times I feel like maybe it’s useful maybe and I like it. I think way too much sometimes and I’m just not at all graceful and it’s kinda cool there’s a place for that too. I have to admit I live for comments like this though. It’s nice to have feedback. 🙂 Thank you so much.

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