I hate that I have to admit I need to again address fear. I’ve learned so many times that overcoming and releasing fear leads to tremendous reward, but the fact that I have these fears come up makes me feel ashamed sometimes. I feel weak and small and embarrassed of the wrongs I commit in fear, when I commit them, sadly like today.
I hate sometimes that I will always always have so much to learn. I’ve mastered so many fears, overcome so many things. Time and time again I’ve learned that getting through fear leads to immense reward, and I like that, but I hate the small selfish fearful actions and thoughts fear brings. I can create problems where none exist. I react badly and then need to make amends. I know how to deal with fear but man do I hate that it comes up layer after layer.
I hate that it comes to me in my sleep sometimes. I was wracked with agonizing nightmares last night about long ago violent things and visions of blood and death and fear. I was powerless and vulnerable and abused in my visions, waking up crying and crying out, paralyzed for a moment and unable to breathe, not knowing where I was. I couldn’t fall asleep then for a long long time, and when I did they came again, just as I feared, worse, taunting me, hurting me, bruising me, holding me powerless and afraid, an animal in the jaws of a trap. My brain spun around madly for a reason to fear and focused on a very recent fear I have and worried it in its mealy little grasp. I did the stuff that usually works. I look at the evidence and tell myself reassuring true things. I stretch and relax my muscles. I do some progressive muscle relaxation. I do some exercise. I turn my magic magnifying mind to other things and it chews on something better. Good. Yes. This is good. But there in the back of my mind.. nagging..is my fear. It’s stealthy, just nipping at the edges of things, until I’ve created this knot. And then I have so much fear about addressing it, hating to talk about this thing I know he hates to talk about. Ugh. I became a mess and for what?
Yes. Yes. Of course he loves you. You do see that. Yes. But.. and I’m just saying here.. but what about the fact that he’s not in love with you?
Well, we talked about that. He IS in love with me according to my definition. ‘In love’ just means something different to him, and I’m glad we’re not that. And we’ve talked twice now about how he’s not great at these word distinctions, so it’s a distinction I was making that he isn’t.
Oh yeah. Sure. No. I get that. Yeah.. he shows you in a million ways he loves you. Absolutley. And he totally agreed with everything you said ‘in love’ was, and it’s just a word of course. Hehe. Of course. But.. well.. but he says he is in love with Quinky Girl. So, well, it’s not all that bad all the time I suppose. He uses a good definition for being in love with Quinky Girl. Doesn’t he? Seems like maybe he just isn’t in love with YOU. Sounds like he’s trying to spare your feelings here because you told him how you feel.
Jesus. Um. Like I said we talked about it. It’s a semantics thing. He loves me just as I want and need him too. What are you saying here? Why are you splitting this hair again?
Oh… sorry. Sure. It’s a semantic thing. But does it bother you that whatever he feels… he’s pretty adamantly against the idea of saying he’s in love with you. You don’t think that means anything do you? Maybe it’s no big deal. Except. Well. Maybe you two just aren’t on the same page?
I’m important to him. I know I am. He loves me. I know that too. I feel it and see it and his actions are clear. But yeah.. maybe we aren’t on the same page. I mean.. wait.. no.. we talked about this too. He IS on the same page. I think. Are you letting Cleveland admitting that he wants just a little side relationship to color your perception here?
Well. Yes. I know. You are important to him and he loves your relationship just as you do. He’s said so a few times. I mean sure.. he likes the growth you both have had and how things have deepened. He wants the same things maybe. Some things do indicate that.
He said what he wanted and it’s everything I want too.
Absolutely. I suppose it’s just a coincidence that he wants to stop seeing so much of you though and start dating again? I know I know.. he isn’t going to be scouring the net but he’s looking again. I’m sure his dating won’t affect anything really. I know you have been reticent to do anything that would interfere with this, even though you have a lot more free time than he does, but it seems like maybe he is willing to trade some of this for more people. Guess he really doesn’t feel the same. He said he’d like at least two days a week with you though. So that’s good. But maybe that’s all he can handle. Maybe he’s reining this in. Maybe you are boring him. Or let’s be nice and say maybe it’s too much of a good thing, not your fault, but you know.. maybe he just wants to dial you back to a nice little side relationship like Cleveland too. Maybe that’s just the amount of you people can take. You didn’t really he LOVED you loved you? You didn’t think you were becoming family, did you? Oh. God. You did.
And it just gets meaner the more it plays out these phantom things. I leave myself spinning and wondering.. “what if I made it all up in my head?”. We just had a wonderful vacation together and I came home absolutely in bliss. I am so happy. Most of today I just feel so wonderful. I KNOW HE LOVES ME, SO WHAT THE FUCK? We had days and days of love and petting and kisses and passion and communication and fun. There are literally DOZENS of reassuring things from this past week alone. What the fuck is wrong with me?!!?
Fear. God damn fear.
I just let it get ahold. Yes. His time is really limited. I’m afraid it will go back to how it was when he was dating Peaches too. I am afraid this beautiful thing will suffer. I’m afraid my family will turn to dust. I’m afraid this love will be taken away. I’m afraid I won’t be good enough. I am afraid I will be abandoned. I’m afraid it really is me and I will always lose my love. Fuck. This again? How many ways can I experience this? Why do I allow my head to do this!?! And the work I really need to do here becomes clear. It is again about that little girl that nobody wanted. It is about this thing in me that was broken and is healed, but is an old old ache on rainy days. I have to do some work again and remember that I will survive losing what I hold so dear just as I’ve survived it again and again and again. Yeah. It was painful. But it fades with time and it’s all part of this journey. So much of what I actually love about myself has come from this work.
Relationships don’t often last forever, but they were meant to be. I keep learning that I am happiest when I am focusing on how I love others and worry less about how they love me. It’s no coincidence that this is where compersion comes from too. I am full of joy and wonder because I love. I delight in the happiness I bring. It comforts me that I am loved. I do need it. And it’s okay that I need it. But I am not that little girl who tried so hard to make them love me anymore and I haven’t been for a long long time. I have learned a lot and become a person I respect. I know that my parents did the best they could. They were flawed people with shortcomings of their own, and they loved me in their way. I have searched for and found members of my chosen family and at times been hurt by and hurt them too. We humans have a knack for that.
He said it hurt that I don’t trust him, and he has a very valid point. I am creating this fear out of thin air. Is he a trustworthy person? Yes. Love is a gamble and he’s a good bet. I might lose and the thought of it kills me. It’s right here, this beautiful and perfect thing we’re growing, and love is strong but delicate too. It might break. He or I might make poor decisions or fuck up one too many times or in a way we can’t overcome. There are absolutely no guarantees. It does zero good to conjecture about that and wager about that and spend now worrying about then.
It’s a good thing to learn to communicate about this stuff better and to have more measured responses. It’s a good idea to work again.. yes again.. on my insecurity. And it’s a good idea to keep turning my magic magnifying mind to the stuff that does make me happy.
I love wanting their happiness with or without me. I love thinking about everything amazing about them and rooting for their every joy. I love giving them the freedom they give me. I love living in trust. When I think of Traveler loving someone, giving more of that absolutely singular affection of his to where it is needed, and him being held and appreciated and loved.. I fill up with good and there is little room for this fear. When I think of that sexy passionate man experiencing his bliss and exploring his sexuality and sensuality, I want everything for him. It’s rarely sex I fear. I so easily get the joy and wonder of variety and depth and breadth there. I KNOW you can have the sex of your life Tuesday and happily have it with others on Wednesday. It is my fear of losing the love I have with him that makes me fear him loving, and this is contrary to everything important to me.
He is so beautiful, and I’m telling you.. his soul is special. I want to be part of his journey and I don’t ever want to stand in the way of what is right and needed and good for him. I want him to tell me that he’s falling for her and I want to feel the glee I feel when I am free of my own selfish fear. So I’m working working working again. How free do you wanna be?