So, I’ve been doing some writing and thinking and such about fear. I posted the other day about a fear eruption I’d had. I’m not sitting and stewing and living in fear, and I’ve actually still been enjoying the happiness of a week vacation with my sweet Traveler, but my fear boiled over twice now, and the strength and content of my reaction told me this was in large part about something else and I have work to do.
No, I’m not fucking crazy about the idea of Traveler dating again. I have good and bad reasons for this. I feel like he is a busy guy that can barely keep up with his current investments. He works a fucking lot. A lot lot. As it is with me seeing him twice a week now some of our dates are spent with him working. He doesn’t have time to have two full nights a week with me without doing work. He’s kinda important, you know? So, we get also a little extra time here and there.. maybe once a week sometimes, dinners after working in the yard, or an hour or two of WoW playing here and there while Quinky Girl works late or something, or talking as we clean the kitchen. It’s nice. I like this time filling of my “family battery”. We tend to get at least one date a week and some time on the second one with face-to-face interacting alone time and stuff like kissing and snuggling and fucking and talking, and that fills my “romantic battery”. I’m very happy with the amount of time and activities we currently have and I don’t want to actually lose it. I think that’s reasonable.
He can’t really afford to take the time from Quinky Girl either I don’t think. They see each other a lot, obviously living together and all, but most of their time is spent doing the business of living, like most people. Of course I assume they kiss and snuggle and have good moments even on those days when they are dealing with receipts and grocery shopping and working in the yard and planning their kitchen or whatever, but they have limited face-to-face time and I think she has a “romance battery” and “family battery” like I do too.
But.. this isn’t my choice to make. I can have this opinion all I want, but in the end Traveler will decide how he will spend his time and what matters to him and what he’ll invest in. If he wants to spend time he spends with me with someone else, I can’t fight that. I don’t think that is his plan, and I hope it doesn’t work out that way, but people do choose what matters with the choices they make about how they spend their time. Maybe he’ll choose to get a gardener and spend his time in the yard dating instead. Maybe he’ll get more efficient at paying bills and grocery shopping and cleaning and managing investments and organizing and all those little things people do and he’ll spend THAT time dating and not in separate-togetherness with Quinky Girl. Maybe he’ll spend the time he spends with Quinky Girl dating instead. I freaking hope not. Maybe he’ll stop taking all of his ski-trips and boy’s weekends and holiday-party-trips and family-trips and people coming-to-Seattle-time and spend all of that time dating. Shit, maybe he’ll learn to just sleep a whole lot less and date a night owl. Maybe he’ll find a girl to fuck only when he visits a job site he goes to every other month or so. I don’t know.
I can talk about my concerns rationally and reasonably or talk about what I feel, but in the end, I give him the freedom that he gives me. He can date or fuck or whatever anybody he wants. I might ask him not to fuck certain people if there are compelling reasons to do so, and he can choose to honor my request or not, and I can ask him for what I need for our relationship, but I might not always get it and there may be consequences associated with any action. That’s the way the world works. I don’t need to make rules with him, even if I could or wanted to. There are consequences for every action and I have to talk to him about all of this and then trust him to make the right decisions for himself. I make the decisions for me, and I choose him, but I don’t have to any more than he has to choose me. I hope he’ll consider me and Quinky Girl, and his friendships and his daily life stuff and his family and find a way to meet his needs and be happy too. If he chooses things that cost him our relationship and knowingly chooses them, well… them’s the breaks. Right?
And that concerns me but doesn’t panic me. I do in fact trust Traveler. It’s a thing I keep coming back to. He is a trustworthy man. He loves me and shows it very well and he knows I love him. I think (when I’m not riddled with fear) that this thing between us is as important to him as it is to me. He believes in commitments, like I do, and we both sort of despise the undercurrent some types of polyamory have of “everyone can do anything they like that makes them supremely happy in the moment, regardless of how it effects all the people they said they love or any consequences of those actions”.
He talks pretty freely about a future, and I love that. He likes shared-life like I do. So, yeah.. there are reasonable reasons for concern here, but there are also good reasons to communicate and trust. There are unreasonable reasons for fear here too.. and those are the ones I have to deal with and heal.
Okay.. it doesn’t take a genius to get that I’d be worried about losing my love when recently lost my partner of 13 years when he dated and fell for someone else. Hubby stopped wanting to have sex with me for 9 months, treated me horribly, screamed in my face, became an emotional basket case, and finally left me for this other woman, who I loved and stopped seeing only to accommodate Hubby. That stings a little. He eventually did the same kinds of treatment to her, and that relationship ended as well. Despite 13 years as each others closest friend, he just left my life and cannot talk to me. I mean.. c’mon.. EVERYTHING I was afraid of actually happened. That’s gonna sting a bit. Traveler is not Hubby and has never acted like Hubby to me. It’s unfair to judge him accordingly, but reality is reality and I’m just going to have to trust Traveler and hope he can handle new-shiny better than Hubby and it’s just going to be a challenge I will need to manage my reactions in until it all pans out and I see he can do it well. It’s not really reasonable, but it’s reality.
It’s also not shocking that I fear losing people I love. I’ve been dealing with and healing layers of this for YEARS. We all have baggage and none of us gets out alive. Yes.. I do know I say that a lot. It’s just true. So, I’ve learned about nurturing myself, and about trying to get what I need in healthier ways than expecting my romantic partner(s) will fulfill everything and make me happy. TH
AT was a recipe for disaster. I survived. It DID hurt. But I’m still here and my heart still works and opens and loves, even if a little timidly. (Remember, I was the girl that hid my face when I admitted I liked him and covered his mouth and pretty much was a weirdo when I told him I loved him? I came to love him slowly and wisely and well and it’s a beautiful love that I think we both treasure).
So, I’m examining my fear, asking myself why I have it and what I should be doing instead. I trace back the roots and I’m trying to see things differently too. I’m learning to reframe and to further forgive and agreeing to intelligently take a risk. Love is a risk. It’s a gamble. It just is. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t and people make all kinds of decisions all the time. Sometimes the expected result doesn’t happen and sometimes we fuck up. I can choose to never risk and live a life of security, but that has little reward. Friendship too is a risk, as is “trying”. So too is starting over, and creating things, and caring about things and loving people. It’s a risk. It just is. But the rewards are lovely. I can look at my life and list the losses and I can look at it and count the successes. I have had a life of so much love just as much as I’ve had a life of so much loss. I’m learning to trust that I’ll be okay regardless and learning to put it out there, even if it might get snapped off. Growing growing growing. I don’t like the process but I sure do like the rewards.
And trust and freedom are tremendous gifts to give those we love. I can’t begin to tell you what it feels like that Traveler and Cleveland have given me that the times they have. How wonderful to feel encouraged and safe and loved. They’ve talked to me about what they needed and trusted me to do the right things. That’s amazing. I’m not there yet, but I’m closer.