I feel funny writing this, but I know more of what I want. As we grow and have experiences and do stuff, we learn ourselves better hopefully. And I made an interesting discovery. I don’t like the in-between.
I like casual sex. I like fucking and fun and kinky play partners and FWB’s, even if I don’t often have any of these things. But even then, I like to be friends. I have to like you to fuck you. Novel damn concept, no? I like to like the people I hang with in really any capacity and that includes people I have naked fun with. I don’t like counting the minutes until you finally fucking get naked. Cool. I figured this out a while ago.
I like love. I like trust and connection and chemistry and understanding. I like really communicating and sharing life with those I love. I dream, and finally admit it fully, that I want to share my life with the people I love. I want to run errands and do activities and have hobbies and curl up in the middle of the night and sleep twined with you. I want to fuck you silly and observe traditions and make new ones with my big loves. I want to build things together and teach each other stuff. I want to laugh and I don’t really want to cry, but if we do, I want to do it with you. I want to be that person you cling to when it all falls apart. I want to be that for you. I want you to be the person I run to tell things to because I can’t wait to see your joy or get your counsel. I want to love the people that you love and support them too. I want to collaborate in love and share love and I want to be a big mushy mush ball in a little family of mushes like me. I want it deep and strong.
What I don’t want is in-between. That sometimes happens on its own, and maybe that’s fulfilling when it does because it’s what works for us, but I don’t want to seek out life in a little box.
I started dating this guy. He is cute and funny and smart. We had a wonderful first date and we’re good in chat. Clickety clickety. Nice. So we had a few dates that were pretty darn good and a lot of talking. We had similar naughty interests and he was looking for something more than an FWB. Excellent. Thing is.. I just kept thinking.. I was signing up knowing from the beginning that it would always be limited. And limited is fine in a fuck buddy. It’s not his fault. It’s just reality. He’s married and have two young children and responsibilities. Of course his time away from home and his family would be limited and they would always come first. He’s not a flaming asshole, so this is the natural order of things and frankly I wouldn’t date a father who felt differently. This means though that his time with me will always be limited unless as things develop we go on dates that involve his children too. Or I come to dinner with him family. It’s a cool thing that these are eventual possibilities but they aren’t for me.
I’ve been a stepmom and helped raise my girls. I’ve done the pony rides and the temper tantrums and the ice-cream cones melting in the car. I’ve done the sloppy kisses and the lovely childhood drawings and I’m done. I would not sign up for it again. I love my girls, all of them desperately and fiercely, but I’d never do it again purposely in another situation. It’s just not where I am in life.
And here’s the part that makes me feel a little bad to say it, but I’m not interested in being another person’s forever number 2. A man with a family is what that is no matter how you slice it and if I’m in love with you and wanting a shared life with you I can’t alway be number 2. There are lots of people who are fine with this, and maybe that’s evolved. Maybe I’m selfish or wrong to say that I want my big loves not naturally limited, but it’s how I feel. I’m NOT saying I have to always be number one or that I want people who don’t have other important partners, or even that I wouldn’t spend years rightfully number 2, but I can’t be that FOREVER.
I’m number 2 with Traveler because we’ve only been together just under 2 years and he’s been in love with Quinky Girl for something like 14 now. They’ve built a life together and share a home and finances and all of that. They don’t necessarily do the whole primary/secondary thing, but by nature of life, love, experience and commitments, they are for now held in a special place with each other. But… but I’m not forever denied this. Over time I can create experience. Traveler loves me and is in love with me and I can be important to him and have access to time with him and life with him, more with passing time and experience. We’re building something and it’s allowed to be what it is.. whatever that will be. Obviously I won’t ever be number 1 here because there will always be Quinky Girl, but I won’t always be number 2 either, and I am less so all the time. Quinky Girl has two full partners, and Jonah is more full all the time. You can have more than one great love. And that is what I want for my loves.. I want great loves.
I feel this kinda pull back as I say this. I feel like it might come off as being a little… something. But I don’t do myself or anyone else any great service by not being true about this. I don’t like being super limited or held falsely down. I don’t want my love cut off. I don’t want to need 4 relationships to make one whole one. It’s partially time and attention but it’s something else too. I can’t give my heart fully to someone that can only give me the leftovers of theirs. It’s too hard. It hurts too much to love someone like that and run up against “I love you too.. but only this much.. only ever this much.. no matter what”.
I’d be easier and more accommodating if I said I didn’t care, but I do. I’d seem breezier and nicer and be more datable by more people if I wasn’t honest about feeling this way. But I do. If I fuck you, you aren’t mine. If we love each other you are. And if we are, I need you to belong to me too. You don’t have to belong only to me, but you do need to be mine to be mine and I need to be yours too.
Cleveland and I are figuring this out. It’s difficult but possible. It is within the realm of possibility that we find a way that works. With this man I had just began dating, it just isn’t, at least for me. The only way it would not be very limited is if I someday did more things with him and his children, but I don’t want to bond like that with children again. I’m done with that kind of family life. So.. it is what it is and we parted ways early here when it didn’t hurt either of us much. It just wasn’t a good fit. We’ll call it a failure to launch. It’s rather too bad, but I did define more of what I want. So there’s that.
I suppose it’d be different if things just turned out that way, but I just don’t want to sign up purposely to always be less than. Right wrong or indifferent it’s
just something I’ve learned about me. Good to know.