Ever get to the root of something and discover you’re kinda being a ninny? Ever realize you are responding with fear or some old feeling or thought that when you get down to it doesn’t make sense? Yeah. Relationships are good at that.
I’ve been not-so-subtly giving Traveler shit from time to time since I realized he banks with THE WORST bank possible. And that he was afraid to deposit checks with his phone. We live in Seattle and the man works in the tech industry and loves to use his computer for finances. This made no sense. He was scared to do it, but once I did it in front of him and showed him how easy it actually was he tried it. Previously he’d resisted, I think fearing that it was some complicated process. It’s not. You sign it, log into your bank (even his horrible bank) and take a pic of the front and back of your check. It’s even easier than addressing a deposit envelope.
I teach budgeting at work and part of my class is every semester downloading a small number of bank’s latest options for checking and savings and fees and such and having the class help decide what back is best for them. Some people like to go into banks or credit unions and some like internet banking and features, so the best one varies but is usually one of 3 top banks and credit unions. 2 huge national bank chains are ALWAYS the worst. I include them to contrast what a decent bank or credit union offers. We put the info on the board in a big grid and every single time every single member of class says something like “Jesus.. that’s a terrible bank. Why would anyone have an account with them?!?!?” Good question. Traveler has an account with them. He’s had it since he was a lad and he avoids lots of fees by using very few features and letting them have a ton of his money at all times so he incurs less fees. Nevermind that this bank also has the most lawsuits each year for terrible practices and has been sued and cited time and again for terrible mistreatment of customers. Also never mind that they don’t have better credit cards Traveler would qualify for and they are pretty fucking evil and do harm in the world. Traveler lets them hold his money. Worse yet, he’s defensive when shown facts about this bank. <facepalm>.
Sometimes we’re like this.
Quinky Girl has been recommending these herbs to me for a small thing we both share and I am both interested in them and simultaneously act like she’s trying to kill me with them. When I took them I was so anxious they would make me froth at the mouth and keel over any second that I had a constant stomach ache. I was sure I didn’t need them, wanted them, thought they might be poisonous and thought she thought I was weak for needing them (despite the fact that they are just fucking herbs and she takes them too). Now now. Don’t interject reason. Of course this makes no sense. That’s the thing about irrational fears. They don’t make sense. I go on sites like webmd and read stuff about the medicine or supplement and refuse to take it because I’m sure it will give me a brain aneurism or something, or I’ll unwittingly do something small and take it with orange juice and bleed profusely from my eyes.
I have but will not take immodium for diarrhea. Too scary. I won’t take medicine back when I had panic attacks. I will not take cold medicine except for nyquil or vicks 44 because I took it since I was a child, but I look up what it will do to me and panic and suffer a while first because the things bottles of medicine say are terrible. I live in Seattle and my doctor told me to take vitamin d and I spent weeks googling everything about it and decided it was too risky. I later realized my drink powder I mixed in my water every day had vitamin d and decided only then that it must be okay. When my nightmares got so bad I was barely functional I took something my doctor recommended, but only half what she wanted me to take and luckily that was still enough. When I had my motorcycle accident and they thought I’d broken my pelvis in the ambulance they gave me morphine and I fought not to get it because they didn’t have any data sheets on them about it. As the shock wore off and the pain set it I got a lot more willing, finally reaching the point where I would have snorted heroin if they had any. Medicine freaks me out. I don’t like doctors and hospitals and live in mortal fear of ER’s, despite the fact that I work.. in a hospital. I do not watch medical disaster shows and had to stop watching House because I felt like I might develop whatever that person had and everything began to freak me out.
It’s partly that I don’t like to be vulnerable. I don’t want to be at anyone’s mercy. I don’t like having to relinquish my bra and panties or stay in some bed because they tell me too or sit in some room until they can see me. I don’t like the idea of people making decisions for me like doctors do because I personally know and work with doctors. Oi vey. I’ll leave it at that.
It’s also pride. I want to be above needing anything. “No. I’m tough. I get plenty of vitamin d because I’m ironclad so move on to lesser humans”. “I don’t need anything for anxiety or panic. I will suck this up. It’s a flesh wound”. “Antibiotics are for people without my immune system and we’re making drug resistant strains of stuff.” Strangely I will take vaccines. They’re mostly dead or compromised strains of stuff to train my immune system and for some reason that is okay. Remember I never said this makes sense. So the thing is, when I say it aloud like above I see it’s ridiculous. It’d be nice if I did a blanket one, but I seem to need to do this over and over with each new supplement, medicine, or vitamin. She got me on this stuff that helps the arthritis in my elbow and I’m so grateful. I wish I could find a human type of whatever they gave my dog.
So.. here’s the thing. You can laugh at my stupid medicine supplement thing, but don’t laugh too hard. You’ve got this shit too. You are not reasonable all the time. I’m sure of it. Some of you use stupid banks or read too much webmd too. If it’s not that, it’s something else. You refuse to think alcohol treatment is for you and cling to dumb ideas about it, or don’t want to embrace trying to cook your chicken this way. This is how people work. The trick is to know this about yourself and to be willing to try it when you realize you are being a ninny. Do what you need to do to feel comfortable and safe, certainly. But TRY it the other way.
Remember what it’s like to watch someone you care about suffer or have to do extra work or be inefficient or whatever when you know a thing that will help or a better, faster, easier, or cheaper way. We CAN cling to our old ideas, or we can laugh at ourselves sometimes and TRY the thing… really give it a shot. Relationships of all kinds hold a mirror to us if we let them and they help us grow if we let them. Listen to your friends… your metamours.. your lovers. T R Y to see it from their perspective. Talk to them about your reservations and be willing to examine what you think and ask yourself why you think it. You might be a ninny, but
there is hope for you yet.. maybe.