Well Kiss My Grits

*** Just a small correction.  I accidentally gave the impression that I was upset and one of my relationships was in trouble or something.  That’s clumsy writing and not the case at all.  I was disgruntled and disappointed about one tiny bit of a plan being messed up, not the whole enchilada.  Sorry about that!  So, clarification.  My relationships are good and I’m happy.. almost goofily so.  I was just venting about a disappointment and a sticky minute.  Having gotten to do that, I feel a lot better and things are still totally cool.  They were the whole time.  I was talking about a small part of a plan, not a whole association.  :)***

 

I know it’s not a misunderstanding.  I didn’t get it wrong.  I am aware I didn’t.  We put it there in black and white together and excitedly discussed the plan a bunch of times, laying out all of the maybes and talked about our lists of fun shit to do.  They changed their minds and don’t want the plan any more.  They had to change it.  When I balked I had slippery sand for my feet, so I said “I guess it’s just a misunderstanding”.  I was trying to save my face and not admit my disappointment because they were making me feel small for protesting.  It worked.

I know it isn’t a misunderstanding and they know it isn’t too.

“I thought this and I didn’t think it’d be a huge deal”.

What am I going to do?  Demand they want what they said they wanted?  Throw a fit over something small and rather insignificant, even if it is a wrench right in the middle?  Make a big deal over something so tiny?

Nope.  They know I’m not fooled and are giving me an out too.  They’re letting me say it doesn’t matter.  I’m disappointed.  Stuff I was excited about isn’t going to happen.  I mean, no puppies will die over it, but yeah… I am legitimately a little disappointed.

They are totally allowed to change their minds and I’m totally allowed to feel disappointed about it.  And I suppose we’re both allowed to give each other the out.

kiss my grits

Waitresses from “Alice”, the sitcom where Flo regularly said the catch phrase “Kiss my grits!”, give each other the side-eye.

“It’s a misunderstanding” and “I didn’t think it would be a big deal”.  Kinda bullshit.

But it’s a bullshit that lets us both save face and keep the peace I crave.  They aren’t made to feel bad for feeling like they had to do something that frankly kinda sucks.  And I am not forced to acknowledge that I’m the big dumb dog who was left still wanting what we both said we wanted after they changed their mind.  I hate almost nothing more than being the big dumb dog.

And now to remember is really is a small thing, have my tiny pout, let it out and let it go, and move on.  Well kiss my grits.

2 Comments

  1. so complicated all this outside the box….so few can truly exist there. you are smart enough to know…so few could ever be there true! such surprises why exotica does not persist. nothing new here. the 30’s the 60’s, now shows the craving and empty end game…..do you yet see the empty endgame? Empty! Turnaround beautiful couple! Maybe I am being philosophical after too many G&T’s or I truly see it after too much pain?

    Like

    • Wow. I think I may have been way too vague and just wrote off the cuff to let it go when I wrote this. I got an email about this too. I wasn’t saying they didn’t love me or didn’t want the relationship.. jeez.
      I was disappointed we wouldn’t be able to hit this brunch thing and/or go hiking and I was really looking forward to it. It was nothing so big and important.. just a sticky few minutes. Hell.. even the plan isn’t that messed up. I’m still going to have an awesome time. I’m sorry I was way too vague.

      My friendships and relationships are all okay. Quinky Girl and I are good.. my friends are doing well. Traveler and I are awesome.. totally wonderful. I just wrote YESTERDAY about our anniversary. I just talked about being drunk in love. I do crave him often, but it’s part of the sweetness I guess. It’s just life to want to be with the people you love, and it’s not a complaint to miss him when we’re apart. I love our little family and it’s so deeply fulfilling.

      Cleveland and I are good overall too. I love him and he loves me. We’re seeing a little more of each other and that helps. I’ll admit for a little while there I was pretty unhappy with how limited things were with us.. but I think we’re both coming a little closer to where the other is and what we need our relationship to be.

      I don’t know the long game in any of this will last any more than anyone. Hell.. everyone getting married thinks theirs is the one that will make it and somewhere between 60-70% divorce. MOST relationships end, and believe me it’s not a thing I’m thrilled about. All relationships end until one doesn’t.. or maybe more than one. 😉 I KNOW longevity isn’t the only measure of a relationship’s success, but I also know it’s a thing I crave and it bothers me that loving relationships are sometimes fragile.

      I’ll further admit that being poly is a harder row to hoe sometimes and it’s not for everyone. More relationships does mean more risk because it’s more chances I’m taking by investing in more people. I’ve ALREADY learned that lesson. If you have relationships at all, you risk heartbreak.

      Look. I fear that too. I fear that Traveler and Quinky Girl and Cleveland and my friends will all disappear and that I’m an idiot for thinking this can all work and I’ll die sad and alone with my cats (that I don’t have yet) and a heart full of regret. Hell.. I was afraid of that even while I was monogamously married. I don’t even have a solemn oath now. But would that really mean things are unbreakable? No. Those vows didn’t save us any more than they save most marriages. Some people have wonderful and lasting monogamous marriages and some poly people have wonderful and lasting relationships too.

      I’m just having to embrace where I find myself today and live well now, making the best decisions I can today and hoping that this will all work itself out. Isn’t that what anybody has to do really? Monogamous, married, straight, gay, bi, kinky, tall, whatever… nobody knows the future.

      I mean some choices do seem more likely to result in a lifetime of loneliness, but I like to think it’s more like burning through people or never seeing my part in things or using people or lying or being a manipulative bitch. I hope that loving people the best I can will mean that some of the people that I love will be there a long time for me to love them. Man.. this is a long response. Well… you struck a nerve and I had to admit I think about that too. Funny.. so many words and I don’t really have a definitive answer.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s