I went out tonight with my oldest daughter (step-daughter) and RollerGirl. It was the daughter’s birthday the day before and RollerGirl’s the day after. If you’re new.. RollerGirl was the woman Hubby and I dated separately and together. She’s the one Hubby said he was leaving me for. More on that in a second. I like RollerGirl though. I always did. So it’s not that weird to have fun in a hang-out situation with her. Yeah.. it’s kinda weird that she and my daughter are close. It felt like another betrayal at first, that Hubby would leave me for RollerGirl AND that my daughter would be angry at me for the divorce, AND that to add insult to injury my daughter wouldn’t really talk to me but she’d become close to RollerGirl. I’d been there for most of my daughter’s life and RollerGirl was this woman she’d met a few times. What the fuck? Right or wrong, I felt really betrayed by Hubby and RollerGirl. It turns out that RollerGirl talked to my daughter and tried to get her not to be angry at and blame me, that while I’d been hurt and upset at them talking it’d be a good thing in the long run for my daughter and me too. It also turned out that she’d never planned to have this family with Hubby that he’d told me he was leaving me for. He’d said it to me and the counselor to hurt me, I guess. It was the cruelest thing he could say and he knew it.
So much of that entire situation I could never really make sense of. Honestly I’ve had a really hard time making some kind of terms with it. It just never made any sense to me. I didn’t understand why he did it and it makes it really hard to accept. Then of course he immediately began dating the dog walker and RollerGirl, perhaps while he was still in his briefly sexual relationship with this other girl and trying to break up, had never made plans with RollerGirl to have this family, and was trying to be poly with RollerGirl and the Dog Walker in secret.
So.. um.. why? I can’t help it. I would let it go and pick it up again. We had 12 years together and were wonderful. We were sweet and affectionate and loving. We had great sex and lots of fun. We had similar values and raised my step daughters and a foster daughter together. We’d built a nice life I know we both loved. He told me all the time, even as we opened up how much he loved me and how happy he was with me and how much he loved our marriage and our life, so.. what the fuck? We separated after months of his mood swings to work things out and he began dating the Dog Walker in secret, I think that week. Why? Why? Why? Did I imagine things were good with him and I all that time? No. I have hundreds of emails and letters and cards, pictures of us. I didn’t make that up. None of our friends understood it because we had been so good. Even Traveler said he didn’t get it because Hubby and I had seemed so good together at first. Probably the only person on Earth who didn’t like Hubby and I was his sister. Why was Hubby so increasingly mean? Why did it get so bad we had to separate and why did he just throw me away?
I think I finally get it. Pride. Ego.
Even though he’d wanted to open up as much as I did, and that he’d immediately began his whirlwind romance with RollerGirl, it had wounded his pride that I’d wanted anyone. It ate at him and made him ask “why wasn’t I enough for her?”. These were the seeds of the thing that he couldn’t get past. How could he trust and love me if I wanted others, especially my first boyfriend, a guy he grew to loathe? If this damaged guy could be something I wanted, even while I had Hubby, what did that say about Hubby to Hubby? And that RollerGirl had been with this other man for years, and was dating him at first while Hubby and RollerGirl fell in love.. that was too much for him. How could the women he loved just not be satisfied with him? How could they want this broken guy? I know it makes no sense, but it’s there. I couldn’t understand how my sweet loving husband could turn into that, and of course, yes, it’s pride. It changes nothing really, but it gives me peace to finally understand.
RollerGirl and my daughter and I didn’t have any big conversations about Hubby or the DogWalker or whatever. RollerGirl and my daughter and I just talked about ourselves and today mostly, life and love and relationships and work and sex and school and plans. But in the days leading up to our outing and in our outing itself it was there in little snippets. Being with these women, my daughter and RollerGirl, who know Hubby so well too, and in their passing comments, it finally clicked. I’d always known this. Hubby has talked a good deal to me and to them about his struggles with pride and ego. When it was said in passing, it clicked. Of course! It was like a gear clicking into place. It doesn’t explain the whole thing of course. I had my part in all of this, but that I understand. It was this part, Hubby’s driving part I could never figure out and I let it go and let it go and let it go to try to find peace, but I just couldn’t really get past this with that question in my mind. If Hubby.. I mean HUBBY could turn into that with no explanation and no reason and no basis, if my sweet lovely man I’d built this life with could be so abusive and cruel, could actively TRY to destroy me for no reason, could lie and tell me he and RollerGirl were going to go start a family when they weren’t just to hurt me, then nothing makes sense. And I worried it like a loose tooth.
I’m not saying that everything was Hubby or Hubby’s pride and ego, but they were the drive I didn’t understand. They were the part that I kept coming back to saying.. yes.. yes.. this and then this and then this.. but WHY?
It was good to hang out with these women. It was nice to meet RollerGirls’ friends and nice later too when it was just us. It was a little sad in spurts talking with my daughter about things, hearing her view and answering her questions. It was hard in snippets with RollerGirl too, remembering how I loved her and why I loved her and the little dreams we all had. But it was overall good. It was fun remembering things with both of them from all of our time together. And it was fun laughing and talking about the stuff.. relationships and friendships and work and life and sex and school and parenting and all of it.
I never in a million years imagined I’d sit at a table in a dive bar after a sushi dinner and ice-cream, talking life with my step-daughter and my ex-girlfriend and having a relaxed and fun time. But life is weird. The longer I live the more I find myself in situations I would never have imagined. I love that life surprises me. I love that there can be peace. And I love the good that can sometimes come from even very painful things. I wish there was peace with Hubby and I. But life is weird and you never know. Maybe some day we’ll get to talk again, just about stuff like coffee and the weather and movies and such. I liked celebrating the birth of my daughter and my ex, and while it was a little bittersweet in spots, it was good overall and we all laughed a lot.
I have something like 3 other half-finished blogs, but I had to get this one out I guess. It felt like moving on and finally putting a capstone in place or something. I drove home thinking of the fun of the evening and how odd that was, and I fell right to sleep.