Woke up the Ol' Dating Profile

beeI woke up my dating profile.  I added pics and changed stuff and posted it greatly anew.  It had been about 2 years since I’d edited it and it seemed like time.  I promptly met a cute guy.  Yay.  We talked.  Double yay.  He messaged ME, and we chatted online in the little OKC chat thing and decided we should talk again and maybe meet and exchanged text numbers.  Happy littlte jig.  He texted me the next day and asked me to meet him and we chatted via text a bit more.  Cool.  We set up a day and I didn’t hear anything until a day or two before the meeting saying he needed to reschedule because he’d forgotten about a friend visiting and plans he had to spend time with them.  That’s fine.  It happens.

I texted him a day or two later.  Nothing.

About 4 or 5 days later he texts that he might be free on next Tuesday but he won’t know until last minute, but next Thursday looks even better.  I reply that next Thursday could be good, and let’s chat and make plans before then.

Thursday (today) he pops and says “Hey.  LIfe’s been a busy thing, but I’m open for this evening.  How about you?”

I say “Oh sorry.  I didn’t hear back and made other plans. We seem to be missing each other communication-wise”.  I add in a following message “I’m interested if you’d like to talk a bit and reschedule.  Obviously if our schedules just don’t align to talk much, that likely wouldn’t work.  But we could give it a shot in the next week and see if it was just a fluke.”

bee 4He responds that he didn’t think I would expect to hear back from him.  He says he saw that I said I’d be interested in talking before meeting but he didn’t think that was the expectation.  And he adds that he is a busy grad student and he gets home late and crashes out only to wake up and do it again, without time for texting and chatting. He says this is why he doesn’t want a complicated long-term relationship right now and he can’t have people demanding more than he can reasonably give.  “So no offense intended by not chatting with you since Monday night (it’s a weed later Thursday), but if not chatting for a few little days at a time would be a problem I’d likely disappoint”. 

Well.  Yep.  People that are too busy to even confirm a plan for a week and a half are too busy for me to date.  I thanked him for being frank and wished him well in his studies and dating, and said that this is just not a good fit.

bee 2I have to admit I am mildly disappointed because he was deeply cute and we’d had that nice conversation at first, but it just wouldn’t work for me to date someone that can’t return a text for over a week. That tweeks me.  I’m sure there are loads of people who would care less.. but to me.. if I am going to date someone there has to be at a minimum some kind of interest.  I mean, I didn’t even know if he’d gotten my message saying maybe we could shoot for Thursday.  He didn’t acknowledge if that worked for him or not, much less anything else.  We are all allowed our wants and needs and it’s good if we can express them.

But I gotta say.. generally speaking the first few weeks of an association are often where we are the MOST accessible.  We are all interested in the shiny new thing and we’ll miss sleep and eagerly check messages and stuff.  I just find it a bad sign for me personally if a person is unable or unwilling to express much of an interest.  I’m not sure where the line is or even should be.. if there was such a thing as where a line should be.  I don’t need daily contact, but 10 days to respond to a text seems excessive.  You need to be able to make a plan.  Who realy has THAT little available time?  I mean he never waits in a line?  Eats a meal?  Takes a break?  Poops?  He never has time to send a text yes or no?  How on Earth could such a person have time to date?  How would you even have time to have semi decent sex if you are so booked you can’t squeeze in a “sounds good.. I’ll talk to you closer to Thursday” message?

Good sex even takes time.  If we were perfectly aligned and decided after one conversation to meet and have really quick sex on our first meeting, we’d still have to say where and when.  It’s still a good idea to have the tiniest conversation about pregnancy and STI plans and precautions and maybe exchange at least one or two interests in what we’d like to do sexually.  Hell.. with a play partner I would meet strictly to say.. be flogged and have sex, we’d have to exchange SOME information.

bee 3I almost never get this kinda thing, thankfully, but I find the “I’m too busy to ever talk” thing super puzzling.  Why on Earth are you wasting your time on online-dating sites, sending messages to and chatting with women when you are too busy to send a text?  A text takes what, 20 seconds?  To have a half-way decent text conversation it takes maybe minutes a day, all added up.  My honest feeling about this.. rightly or wrongly, is that he’s a) not that interested b) keeping me as a back up plan or something, or c) gosh, I just don’t know.

Dating!

Harumph.

People are crazy.

5 Comments

  1. Based on my experience, I think it’s almost never actually an “I’m too busy” thing (although that’s the excuse almost everyone uses), but what it really means is “I’m waiting back to hear from my #1 choice, and only after I hear that he/she is not free for certain, then I’ll confirm yes” -thing. I’ve been on both sides of that!

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    • I agree. And.. yeah.. no thanks.

      Life is way too short to invest in being someone’s back-up plan and I don’t like it when people do that to me and don’t do it to others. If I have a really wishy washy plan rom someone and someone else wants that day I’ll say “I have tentative plans with X, or blank day free. Would you like me to call you if the plans don’t work, or do you wanna just go ahead and schedule for blank day or another day?”. It’s just a pet peeve of mine and I find it’s so much better if people are just clear and not trying to “manage me”, so I try to be the same to others.

      He didn’t actually say he was too busy to get together. He said he was too busy to text. He felt we HAD plans on Thursday and I didn’t think we did because he didn’t answer when I said “sure.. let’s try for Thursday then”. In his defense I don’t think it was clear if he needed to say more to set those plans or not, and he may have had reason to be annoyed. But- the bullshit “I’m too busy to text thing”.. yeah.. no thanks.
      I just can’t imagine dating a person who was too busy to communicate.

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  2. I both agree and disagree.

    On the one hand, communication is key–it is very important to me and I refuse to feel like I am the only person trying and reaching out. That doesn’t work for me. I expect a basic level of respect, interest and communication. That said, the level of multi-tasking that we do nowadays is really bad for us. I’m a phenomenal multi-tasker–I used to be an emergency dispatcher; that’s the multi-tasking Olympics! However, it does not help me to quiet my mind and the whole racing mind and must always be constructive/stay busy mentality/issue causes a great deal of stress and problems. Being able to just be IN the moment, as much as possible, is more Zen and creates more peace. Is that an extremely difficult thing to do? Indubitably; I mean, not letting your mind wander while you’re washing dishes or scrubbing a tub can be difficult. Conversely, how obnoxious is it to have people playing on their gadgets so much that they’ve delayed restaurant schedules because they haven’t even looked at a menu (or taken a bite of their food or gotten up from the table when they’ve finished eating) for playing on their phones? Or how about the utter rudeness of talking/playing on your phone while you’re being checked out at a store? I meant that as in at the register with your items being tallied… not like someone’s looking at your ass. But even in the latter case, you’d potentially miss a good connection just by not being present in the moment. There’s a point where being too connected via technology actually leads to disconnect in real life.

    No, you didn’t ask for my opinion. Yes, I believe that you have the right to desire and expect whatever you want from your relationships in your life. That said, this reminded me of the conflicting views that I have and how I need to work on finding a way to tease out the nuances and see where I end up with my desires/expectations. Thank you for the opportunity!

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