I broke my foot. I was walking in these clogs, and turned my ankle and stumbled, and *snap*. I had a jones fracture. It’s a break of the 5th metatarsal, or basically the bone in the middle of your foot on the pinky side of your foot. Fuck it sucks. Just a quick little twist.. and bam. I feel like an old woman. Who breaks their foot walking?!?!
I cannot express to you enough how much this sucks and is affecting my life. It’s very hard for me to walk far. My one good leg gets so tired and sore. If I move it the wrong way, put any weight on it.. anything.. bam. When I did it I was walking into my house and stopped dead in my tracks and wretched. It was so painful I hyperventilated a little and had to sit on the ground. I was SHOCKED by how much it hurt. I assumed it would stop, like a terrible pain of stubbing a toe or something. Nope. I was planning this wonderful weekend.. dinner and drinks with Quinky Girl and Bawdy Storytelling, Brick Con (the Lego Convention) a homeshow, and a long date with Traveler. Dammmit! I was soooo excited. I love that stuff. I’ve been stoked about Traveler and Quinky Girl redoing their kitchen for months. It is SO MUCH vicarious pleasure for me. Nope.
I have a temporary cast boot thing and some crutches I thoroughly despise already.
And I’m so fucking tired of needing help. I am weak. I keep thinking of people who have real disabilities. There are people that do this FOR LIFE. After my last few days.. I have to admit.. if I lost my leg now I’d kill myself.
I can’t drive my car (yay stick shift). Bathing is difficult. Laundry is near impossible. Grocery shopping is an endurance event. Cooking is hard. Really hard. How do you hop on one leg with a pot of water for pasta? Cleaning is tough. God. I can’t stand this already. Okay. Breath. There. I got to whine. Thank you for listening (reading).
Quinky Girl dropped everything and insisted I go to Urgent care. Thank God. If I’d tried to walk more on it (and it didn’t make me want to throw up) I could have misaligned the bone. Since I got care asap it was broken but not displaced. She hung out with me and then took me to dinner AND after all her sweetness insisted on buying me dinner. Then she tried to make Traveler come home with me to take care of me and it was their night together. They’d hung out Monday and Tuesday and Thursday, but had been exhausted and were working on business stuff, and just hadn’t had much time to connect really. I knew how much she didn’t her night with Traveler and his sweet snuggles and kisses. She was crazy exhausted and really needed her honey, so I sent him home ASAP, but still.. can you imagine the fucking sweetness?
Traveler dropped me off at home and helped me settle in and set up whatever I needed to set up and he gave me some quick snuggles while Quinky Girl went out quickly with Jonah. The next day, instead of all our fun plans, he spent the entire day with me. He came and made breakfast for us and we went to his house and hung out. I read him things from the internet while he cleaned a little and we snuggled and napped. He is out of town all of this week, and loaned me his car while he is gone because it’s an automatic. This is ridiculously generous. Quinky Girl dropped it off and took my car to their house so it’ll be safe and off the street while his car is in my spot. Holy. Damn. Shit.
Hugs. Kisses. Support. Love. Being there happily and acting like it’s not a huge pain in the ass because they love me. It’s proof in the pudding. It’s one thing to love someone when they are sexy and fun. But to love them when they need you.. when they impact your time and are inconvenient? Proof.
I kept apologizing to Traveler and he assured me that no normal human would be upset with someone they loved for being hurt. He loved me and held me. He gave me his time… his affection.. his love.. and he gave me the words I needed. He assured me that he loved spending time with me and that laying around all day watching football and playing games and snuggling with me was EXACTLY where he wanted to be because he loved it and he loves me. He told me how in love with me he was and how little he minded any of this. And he kissed and kissed and kissed me as I needed. I can’t stand asking for help, and Quinky Girl and Traveler just made it abundantly clear that they didn’t just mind.. they expected to be there. It is what love means. Traveler said if people never needed each other there would be no relationships.
When I called Cleveland and told him the first thing he said was that he was there to help. He offered to take me grocery shopping or help me get things I needed or whatever. And he called the day after and the day after.. offering love and support and help again. And I see him tomorrow. And I’ll take him up on it too.
And my beautiful friends offered help. My friend Chicago took me to the laundry mat with her and did a ton of stuff to help. She even stopped by the store and shopped for things to make it easier for me to shower… offering chocolate too. She spent the day with me, not just helping.. but telling me how she loved to feel useful and how she liked helping people.. making it SUPER clear that she’d love to help as much as I needed. She hooked up the new shower thing with the long hose so I could more easily bathe. She offered to take me anywhere and help me get things too.
How fucking lucky am I? I can’t imagine any of this without them. As it is I’m having a hard time holding on. It’s just so fucking hard. I can’t believe the chaos a little bone in my foot can reek. And I can’t imagine what the fuck I’d do without the people I love. I’m scared thinking of the 6 or 8 weeks of this I am staring down. I haven’t figured out how I will get everywhere as I heal. I haven’t learned yet how much all of this will cost me and I’m scared. I just paid $1200 to fix my car. I only have insurance as a Veteran from the VA and I don’t know what going in a civilian place for an emergency and having an X-ray and medicine and crutches and a boot cast will cost me. I have to keep reminding myself not to think about these weeks like this because it makes me want to lay on the floor and sob.
And then I think of the people in my life and I absolutely overflow with love. How did I get lucky enough to know and love and be loved but such souls? A person is exceptionally lucky to have one or two caring souls in their lives that offer support and mean it. I have a few. And I just keep thinking to myself.. remember this… this too is a thing to savor. Remember this. Remember you are loved. Remember that those you love so much love you too, and that this love is not a small weak fleeting thing. This my dear is proof. Quinky Girl could have been too busy and Traveler could have found better things to do. Cleveland could find another girl or not come all the way to my house to be there with me, and Chicago and Chicago Boy have many friends and tons of fun things they could do with a Sunday. This is solid and real and true. Hold this. Cherish it. Focus on it and file this away in that deep little scared place. Because you’re going to be okay. And more than that… you are really and truly loved.