Traveler said all the things.
We have a sexy gal prospect we’ve been talking to and that we’d see separately and together. It’s a situation that freaks me out a little less than other situations with Traveler dating again, and that’s a little nice. I’m dealing with stuff that’s coming up in a smaller and less scary way. Part of it is that I’m talking to her too and that it would be a thing we’d share. Part of it is that she’s a very busy professional who is very much against dating seriously, and that makes it less scary for me. And part of it is I don’t think she’s a good match in a broader sense. It’s a lot easier for me to imagine him having excellent sex and everything being okay. Him having more excellent sex is actually kinda hot. I wish for him ALL of the excellent sex.
And the unicorn hunted us.
But I’m feeling a high from all the talking to Traveler. We talked so much and so freely and so deeply this weekend. Sure, there was ridiculously good sex, and more of it than I’m used to (so not complaining), but I gotta admit the talk left me tingly.
We talked about hierarchy and primaries and partners. We talked about sex and wants and needs and desires. We talked about threesomes and dating others. We talked about futures and things I’ve been mistaken about. We talked about childhood and fears and insecurities, both his and mine. This is rarefied stuff with Traveler. We even had a couple of tense bits here and there and talked through them as we discussed long standing difficult topics. I had a LOT of things wrong. And we talked about our places in each other’s lives. He said, without my asking, all the things I want to hear. For a while now I have to admit I’ve been holding my breath a little. And it felt like things are falling into place.
Quinky Girl asked me about me talking differently here on my blog than I do to her in life and I’m thinking about this. Part of that is that it’s a blog, so I don’t really list every little thing that I think (though it’s close sometimes). Another part is that I try not to embarrass my loves here. I try only to embarrass me, so I leave out little things they might not want me to share. But the biggest part is that I don’t tell her all the good stuff if it’s sexy or deep and if it’s with Traveler. I don’t go on and on about every happiness, gushing to her about her husband. I censor the sexy passionate connected bits.
But Quinky Girl and I share intimately about all kinds of things. We talk and connect on a deep deep deep level. We go there. And she would like to know more about Traveler’s relationships. She loves me. She loves Traveler. She and I talk about love and passion and sex and want and hurts and triumphs and all of it… except for when it is about Traveler. When it is about Traveler I censor. I think I figured that besides a few blog posts here and there, which she has assured me she is more than fine with and likes to hear, I feel like I shouldn’t say these things to her. And the blog posts are where I put such things generally. But, if I know she reads and I know she can handle it and would like to hear it, why don’t I readily talk to her about sex and passion and connection in person? Why do I censor some of the good here and most of the good in person. Obviously some of it could be monogamous habit and training.
But, Peaches and I talked about sex with Traveler. Of course I edited after a bit and we generally tried to be respectful to Traveler’s privacy. And I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. She and Traveler had some pretty damn good sexy times, but they didn’t have the sex we did. I loved her. I never wanted to make her worry. I knew Traveler cared deeply for her her and there was no reason to create problems.
I had moments where things pinched me with Peaches and Traveler. I am pretty secure sexually but I had little stings here and there. I worried about other things, but sex didn’t usually hurt me. I liked hearing about our mutual love in almost any context. Being friends with Quinky Girl and Peaches I got to know other sides of Traveler. Sometimes they see different things than I do or see them differently, and sometimes people bring out different things in us. Sometimes we all struggled with similar things and that is a comfort.
Quinky Girl and Traveler talking about fabulous sex they have had with each other has never pinched. It just doesn’t. I think it is part of that thing where it is easier to hear about established loves than new ones. But it is also that Quinky Girl and I are so close. I love her joy. I love Traveler’s joy. I love the joy of them together. I have pinched because I am or was so clearly second, but it was a pinch about my relationship, not theirs.
So back to this disclosing. I know she reads the blog and I’m pretty damn open here. Why is it so hard in person? I think partly it is that I thought she could censor what she read if she wanted to. She could chose to read certain posts or read them later if she needed. She has a choice to read or not read.
But for some reason, even knowing she reads this stuff I didn’t want to say aloud to her some things.
Here is an example:
On our trip to Portland we stayed in a house with a hot tub and on Saturday Quinky and Jonah and Traveler and I all came home to rest a bit before dinner. Jonah and Quinky and I jumped in the hot tub and it was heavenly. My muscles were sore from hobbling around in my broken foot booth and running around all day. The hot tub rejuvenated me. Jonah and Quinky looked like they might be feeling a little randy after a bit and I went in to snuggle and pet Traveler. I felt so much better after my soak. I crawled into bed with him in my towel and lured him away from his game.
He was distracted for just a minute and I said “There is a warm naked girl in your bed…”. He looked up, smiled, threw the phone down and reached for me. It was HOT. It was close and aching. We knew we only had a half hour before we had to go back out, and we’d already had sex that morning, and still we couldn’t wait. I pulled out one of my new absorbent pads and was very grateful I had. As he held me down and fucked me hard and fast, we locked eyes and I flooded and flooded and flooded. I could feel it pouring from us, beautiful. It was physically passionate but achingly beautiful too. I felt myself just bursting with love for him. We had spend so much time talking and had said some difficult things and we were just so connected. I felt him moving in a place beyond the physical. It was a simple and quick and powerful thing. He always surprises me.
Yesterday I met Quinky Girl for a drink and we talked and talked and talked. At one point she described a wonderful time she’d had with a passionate and beautiful sexual experience with Jonah right after they got out of the hot tub. I love when she tells me such things. I get to vicariously share in her joy. And it made me think of those moments in the room with Traveler after that same hot tub visit, and I said nothing. I listened to her sharing her love and her joy and her passion and I just smiled and basked and didn’t share with her any of what I was thinking.
And you know, that’s a little sad. I wish I were freer to share these things with Quinky Girl. It isn’t her. She is a LOT more advanced on this poly stuff than I am. She is not at ALL jealous or envious or hurt by Traveler having other love or other sex. And I think it is this. *I* am not always there yet. I’m cautious about what I ask and all of that. I don’t know exactly what will hurt me and I’m not yet good at managing my feelings about things sometimes. I slip off the edge. I’ll get triggered about something and end up sobbing in the shower about how this is the beginning of the end. I don’t like being like that and I’m not yet aware of those little hidden triggers. I know my big ones and I’m better with them. But I can feel the presence of 37 more triggers pulsing beneath the surface. They feel like throbbing red warnings but I can’t predict their exact locations.
- He traded pictures with her tonight, sending her the pic I told him he should, the one that shows him from behind laying on the bed. When he sent me that picture I knew I would sleep with him. Good.
- He said how great he thought her breasts were. He was very excited about them. Ok.
- He talked about how much he wants her. He is looking forward to threesomes but has made really clear he’d want time alone too. She will be the first person he’s dated since me. He explained he’d like this time alone because he’s been wanting to explore someone new for the last month or two. Hmm. Ok.
- He chatted with her ALL DAY at work today. Uh oh. Wait. Everyone is excited about new interests. I have done this too. I have lost sleep to talk to a new interest. Excitement is normal and actually kinda cool. This is.. Ok.
- A woman messages him and is excited to learn he plays WoW. She does too. (Thankfully this is hypothetical so far).. Holy Fucking Shit! I am TOAST. That’s it. I’m replaced. She’s newer and hotter and better and plays WoW. He will love her MORE and forget me and everything is dead. I’ll miss him. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck. NOT OK.
And that is how it happens. And I can’t bear the idea that I’d do that to her (even if it is unlikely). When she told me she reads ALL of the posts I pictured the “delete all posts” button with a pang. I thought about that a lot today. But is that really what I want? No. I love to collaborate in love. I love sharing love. I love the vicarious pleasure she gives me. Sometimes I love catching Traveler and Quinky kissing just for a minute in the kitchen with the same sort of comfort a child feels seeing their parents dancing by the Christmas tree in a movie. It feels safe and it feels like home to have that minute of joy at seeing those you love so happy. I duck back for just a minute to let them linger.
I’m not stupid. I know it won’t always be like that for her any more than it is for me. She is not jealous or envious. But she’s still a human with frailties and insecurities like all of us and there will be pinches. She is as human as the newest of the new, even if she’s learned things. But she doesn’t want to be denied inclusiveness and love and compersion, or to be shut out to avoid little pinches and I don’t want to do that to her either. I would like the story I tell her to match the story I tell here. She is one of the loves of my life. I still have the nice bottle of wine I set aside to drink with her and Traveler to celebrate our larger anniversary. (Travleler and I celebrated our anniversary, but I’m looking forward to marking the anniversary with her too).
So I’ll try. We’ll figure this out together like we have so many other things. I wish sometimes there were more models for this stuff. How do you include your love, your metamour, your polyaffective relationship, the most important person in your lover’s life in your partnership with their partner? I don’t know. But I’d like to figure it out. I started small yesterday and went bigger here. I’ll try it slowly and check in often and adjust as needed. It’s as good a start as any.