The Middle Way

Sometimes there is a zeitgeist in my life.  Conversations come up with this friend and that love and over here too.  The thing that keeps coming up right now is this.  I feel ambivalent about dating.  And it’s going around.
It’s not that I’m not interested in dating. I am. I’d like to meet somebody and explore things and have a cool dynamic.  I love new kisses and excitement.  I met a ridiculously cute guy that is pretty awesome.  We met a couple of times so far and he’s funny and intelligent and interesting.  He has similar interests, and seems like just a genuinely good human.  You know how much I like sweet men.  But.. well.. I feel a teeny tiny bit meh.  It’s totally not a lack in this guy.  It is partially that we NEVER talk.  We first met online and talked and talked and then his work got insane (and I actually believe for lots of reasons it’d be boring to blog about).  It’s just hard to build momentum of any kind or foster any kind of connection with well.. no connection.  But we’ll see.  Maybe it will work out and maybe it won’t.  See?  Ambivalent.  I’d like it, I really would, but I’m also not ridiculously invested and happy to just let it be.
And the girl I started seeing just kinda died out.
middle path
I want to go on dates and I want to meet people because I like the energy of it.  I like being open to possibility.  I like it when it’s working out.  But I’m not hungry.  I don’t feel the big pull.  I don’t really want to do all the chatting and all the meeting when they just aren’t that into me or I have to tell them I’m not feeling the chemistry.  If I’m really honest, I don’t want to miss out on any time with Traveler to have coffee with someone I’m never going to see again.
It’s partially that I’m in my comfort zone.  It’s partially that I am sated.  I am happy.  But it’s not like I don’t have room or desire.  I really do want to see others.  But I also don’t need to.  Back and forth and forth and back.  And of the course the danger too is in being complacent and not being open to things that make me happy and help me grow.  But I don’t want to keep reaching out to new people if I’m not feeling it.
So, the thing I’m kinda coming to is maybe being in the middle is okay.  Maybe it’s like a buddhist “Middle Way”.
From Wikipedia, “The Middle way is the term that Siddhartha Gautama used to describe the character of the path he discovered that leads to liberation.  the expression Middle Way is used by the Buddha in his first discourse (the Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta) to describe theNoble Eightfold Path as the noble path to achieve Nirvana, instead of taking extremes.  Later, Middle Way refers to the Buddha’s teaching on the extremes.  ‘Avoiding both these extremes, (the Perfect One) has realized the Middle Path; it gives vision, gives knowledge, and leads to calm, to insight, to enlightenment and to Nibbana.
Maybe it’s okay to feel more than one thing.  I don’t feel driven to date.  I’m not hungry.  But I also don’t want to shut the door.  And I am cautiously excited, and happy, and hopeful.  So maybe I just ride here in the middle. Ambivalent.

3 Comments

  1. SPC- your on to something. I would proffer for those that aren’t in your position to consider that sometimes people walk away from love because it is so beautiful that it terrifies them. Sometimes they leave because the connection shines a bright light on their dark places and they are not ready to work them through. Sometimes they run away because they are not developmentally prepared to merge with another- they have more individuation work to do first. Sometimes they take off because love is not a priority in their lives- they have another path and purpose to walk first. Sometimes they end it because they prefer a relationship that is more practical than conscious, one that does not threaten the ways that they organize reality. Because so many of us carry shame, we have a tendency to personalize love’s leavings, triggered by the rejection and feelings of abandonment. But this is not always true. Sometimes it has nothing to do with us. Sometimes the one who leaves is just not ready to hold it safe. Sometimes they know something we don’t- they know their limits at that moment in time. Real love is no easy path- readiness is everything. May we grieve loss without personalizing it. May we learn to love ourselves in the absence of the lover.

    Liked by 3 people

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