Longing

I think I’m a person that likes or needs a certain amount of time alone. It’d odd because I’m such an extrovert in some ways, loving the company of others, processing externally, all of that.  But I’m an introvert too.  I hole up sometimes in my little world and my little thoughts.  And as much as I don’t always love it.. I’ve lived my life to often be alone.

I spent my childhood by myself in my big empty house.  I’d watch TV and read with my feet on the heat register.  I’d wander the neighborhood at night, looking at all the activities in all of the houses.  Holidays especially.  Christmas nights I’d wander the neighborhood and see the families after all the guests have left.  I’d have spent the day with my father or mother, or more likely a friend in later years, and I’d come home and take to wandering the streets.

When I was married it was all the nights he had duty or was at sea.  I learned to like these nights when they were few, enjoying my own company and my pastimes.  You can’t be a very happy Navy wife any other way.

I’d think sometimes of the irony of being married and spending so much time alone.  It got to me when it was too frequent.  I spent a lot of time wandering with the streets with our dog then.  She was content to wander the streets with me for hours.  I’d watch the families and the people who sat in the glow of their computers, alone.  I had favorite routes and homes I looked at.  I learned to look at the real-estate listings for the homes I saw for sale.  I liked seeing how people lived their lives.

A woman sleeping next to an empty spot by Mardilê Friedrich Fabre, Jô Tauil, Marilândia Rollo

A woman sleeping next to an empty spot by Mardilê Friedrich Fabre, Jô Tauil, Marilândia Rollo

And now I spend a lot of time alone.  I have friends and diversions and some weeks so busy I hardly ever stop.  I’ll plan a night here or there to have my own company.  And then sometimes it’s a slow week, like this week, and I’ll spend just a little too much time to myself.  I did things a little but I came home alone quite a bit.

It’s okay.  But I start to long a little.

One of the weird truths of polyamory is that you will spend nights alone even if you have many loves.  It’s okay.  It’s healthy.  Being good at doing that is healthy too.  And longing is okay too.  I just saw him Tuesday, but already my lips and my fingertips miss him.

I’ll see him tomorrow.  So tonight I’ll curl up in my comfy bed that smells of him and dream of tomorrow, and maybe a little of sexy ideas for the coming week.  Because sometimes I don’t spend the entire alone after all.  😉

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