I Don't Know

There are so many things that I don’t know.  I know I had an insanely hot loving close intimate fun weekend.  There were trips to the sex shop for more gear, delicious breakfast casseroles and cookouts, leather cuffs, so much snuggling, petting, great talks about everything, beautiful nights, insanely hot times with just Traveler and I, and then Traveler and I and our new friend Yarn Hooker, and with a new guy I haven’t named yet.  There was wine tasting and homemade pie, games with friends, old friends playing putt putt and laughing over pizza, and a lazy morning just like we like.  There was something in the air this weekend!  I will be enjoying memories of this weekend for some time to come.

tarot cardsAnd my friend sent me messages yesterday, expressing joy at his partner finding a great new prospect and a tiny bit of trepidation.  What if she likes him better?  What if she only needs the new man?  What if he makes her forget my friend?  He went online to read blogs and found some, all ending with divorce.  Not very encouraging.

I told him honestly that sometimes this life is bitter hard. Relationships USUALLY end before death.  This is true in monogamy and in polyamory and in every other kind of ‘amory too.  How many people do you know that are blissfully coupled with the only person they’ve ever loved and they’ve been together and close and happy for life?  Chances are if you are lucky you can name maybe 5 couples.  That’s 5 couples out of the hundreds or thousands of couples you have known.  It’s not like monogamous relationships are paragons of stability either.  But with the fluid nature of open relationship networks, things do have more opportunity for change, and that really points out the unstable nature of romantic relationships.

That right there is why I say sometimes that I miss the lie of monogamy sometimes, sometimes like a giant ache.  I miss thinking we have it all figured out and it will be like this forever.  We found something good and locked it down and now we’ll just coast through life together. 

Because nowadays I don’t know.  Traveler and I are in love.  It’s close and passionate and sweet and tender and it feels really secure and important and real.  But I don’t know the future.  I can’t say what will happen when his current job contract ends.  Will he go back on the road and travel every week?  What would happen with us if he did?  Will someone come and knock him off of his sambas?  I don’t know.  They could.

Hell. I had a tiny moment of worry just the other night. We were laying in bed, Traveler and Yarn Hooker and me.  We’d just had a long and beautiful evening of fun and talks and sexy times together, and Yarn Hooker asked to have us make a sandwich of her again.  We snuggled up with her in between us, and it was lovely.  And I had a teeny tiny pinch when he gently and sweetly kissed her shoulder, not with passion, but with affection.  It was tender.  It wasn’t a jealousy or a freak out that I felt, but a tiny pinch in me that I thought about later.  It was a little spark of fear. fortune tellerWe are hoping to build a beautiful friendship and have fun with this sexy woman, but what if it spins out and someone gets “too attached”?  What if he wants more?   What if she does?  What if I do? What if someone started pushing to stay the whole night or for big relationshippy things?  What if they start wanting to see each other every week? Well.  One of us might.  And I guess we’d have to figure it out.  Like everything else, we’d have to make it up as we go along.

Part of me wants to figure out some way to try to protect against it, to try to keep everything where it can work.  But that never works and I know it. People will love you as long as they love you and things will change if they do.  And I don’t want to ever be the thing that holds those I love back from what would ultimately make them happy.

Right now Traveler and Yarn Hooker and I all seem to want the same things.  Traveler would I aren’t seeking big entanglements and neither is Yarn Hooker.  We don’t want super frequent all-the-time contact and big giant relationships.  We don’t want sleep-overs and big commitments and I think we all hope that won’t change, but even that hope may someday change.  And I couldn’t protect against it if I wanted to.

I don’t know how to ensure that things stay where they feel safe to me.  But I know being honest about what I want and need and listening to the others involved, and understanding change is inevitable is a good start.  I know that jealously guarding what I think is mine doesn’t work. I know that begging someone not to push me away doesn’t work. These things create distance and make everything harder.  Being open and honest and trusting is a great way to build closeness.

I trust Traveler to have my best interests at heart.  I trust Yarn Hooker to be authentically herself and I hope she’ll communicate as she needs to.  And I trust me.  I’m clearly not fearless because I had that little moment, but think I can live well and work out that fear as it comes.

I had a time of weakness as I grieved and I still have triggers and land mines to work out, but I’m healthier again, and I’ve been strong for a long long time now.  I’m coming back to me.

I’m dating someone new too, and there too I have no answers.  I have NO IDEA what this will be.  I don’t know how long it will last or what it will mean and I don’t need to.  I can enjoy getting to know him.  It’s okay that it’s another “I don’t know”.

Because here is the thing.  I know what Traveler and I have is really special and it’s really important to me.  I believe it is to him too.  I believe he loves me as I love him.  I believe we are strong enough now to weather things and I think we resolve conflicts well.  We talk openly with each other and on a deeper level.  More and more we are really going there.  He’s letting me in and I’m letting him in too.  It’s been almost 3 years, and he seems worthy of my trust and love, and I hope I am of his too.

And I know I’m worth it and I only want to be with people that see that.  I bring a lot to the table and I have a lot to offer a partner. I WANT Traveler, but I don’t NEED him.  It would be terrible if he squandered this, and I hope he won’t, but if he did I would survive.  When he does love new others some day I hope he still loves me too.  I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t understand and appreciate what I give them or that wants someone else more and chooses that way.  I don’t want to trap or secure or cajole anyone to be here.  I want you to want to be here.  I want you to get me and get what I offer you, and for you to love me and want to be with me.  And I know I am worth it.

Things will unfold exactly as they should.

Even if I have NO IDEA how that will be just now. crystal ballThe only part of this I can choose is my approach.  I’ll try to communicate as honestly and openly as I can about what I’d like.  I’ll try to listen to those I connect with.  I’ll talk about little stuff as it comes up and I’ll trust the people I love to be worthy of my heart.

I’ll have great talks and great sex with the new guy.  I’ll make more dates.

I’ll see Yarn Hooker with Traveler whenever we are all into it and I’ll enjoy whatever beauty we all find there with each other.  And I’ll enjoy whatever joy it gives all of us.

I’ll keep loving and fucking and trusting and holding Traveler and I’ll do my part to make our relationship as good and healthy and strong as it can be.

There is a lot I don’t know.  I don’t have a crystal ball and I can’t know the future. I do know me though.  And I think I know Traveler, so there’s that. 😉

4 Comments

  1. I’ve been thinking a lot about the perceived control we think we have over relationships or another party in a relationship with us.

    And what got me was that it doesn’t matter if you’re monogamous or poly. Nothing guarantees someone’s love for you in the future.

    We all need to remember to love and give and enjoy today. Not worry about 30 years later…

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  2. . . . the lie of monogamy . . .

    ?

    That has the same ring to it as belief-system bashing. :/

    Perhaps that’s not how it was meant? I don’t know you well enough to say. But I’m *guessing* that for you, living monogamously equates to living in a manner that is untrue to yourself.

    In case that’s not what you meant… Or in case anyone else had a raised-eyebrow moment there…

    Monogamy is a construct. Just because it’s not the construct you choose for your relationships doesn’t make it false.

    As for the rest: It’s a fine line to walk sometimes, the “be prepared” versus the “freak out” when it comes to all the what ifs. It’s good to acknowledge them though. Whether it helps in terms of outcome, who can say? I’ve found that being prepared for any eventuality rarely means I’m truly *ready* for whatever happens. (Even a planner can get broadsided. Sometimes we don’t look in all directions before crossing one of life’s intersections.) There should be a superpower for that. 🙂

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    • No no no no no. I do not bash monogamy at all. Its not false or bad or any of that. The lie of monogamy was that it was super secure and never changing. Like any relationship there is work. Monogamy shouldnt be a default, but its a perfectly respectable and good way to conduct relationships. The lie of monogamy is just that it is forever and secure and stable. But without work its like any construct. Its just that in poly i think the chances for change are more in your face. Im sorry if i seemed to bash monogamy

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