Alright already

One of the things I have tried to do here is being unflinchingly honest.  I try to tell the truth, maybe ESPECIALLY, about the things that I feel might make me look bad.  I accidentally found this to be a part of my niche in writing a blog.  So here goes.

I’m lonely once in a while.  It’s hard to be here sometimes and I don’t like it.  The price of loving someone who loves someone else is that they need to spend time with them.  Traveler and Quinky Girl need nights together.  Duh.  Generally this is awesome. I like some alone time in my week.  I can count on one hand the times Traveler and I have spent more than 3 nights a week together, and I can tell you each one was bliss.

But this is a thing us single poly’s can have that our married and cohabitating partners don’t.  I didn’t understand this when I was married and I don’t think a lot of partnered poly’s do.  Not really.

When we all go home after everything is done it’s a very different thing for me than it is for him.  If you are lucky enough to live with your partners then you likely do not understand this, no matter how often you are fine with them being away for a night or two.  When it is a nothing evening or a random Sunday morning where nothing is happening, most of the time you are with someone you love and I’m not.  You can be lonely in a marriage and lonely in a crowd, and happy perfectly alone and in bliss by yourself.

We all went camping this weekend and had a great time.  I had a TON of time with Traveler and a really good stint with Quinky Girl too.  The way things played out I was lucky enough to sleep with Traveler both nights we were out camping.  It was awesome.  I’m not gonna pretend it wasn’t.  I was sad to leave and to come home.  And I feel like I’m coming down.

I didn’t want to come back to this normal life. Here in reality Traveler’s Facebook settings deleted all the pictures of him I’ve posted, except that one of him and Quinky Girl cutting a turkey.  Here in reality I come home to my kittens.  Traveler and I play at house but we aren’t sharing a home.  When all the fun is over the default isn’t that he comes home to me.  He’ll need a night this week to do some of his own stuff and when he’s done he won’t crawl into my bed and curl to me.  It is not assumed he will spend most of his weekend with me.  If his family visits I won’t be there at their table.  If a work thing happens I likely won’t be invited.  In a lot of ways I’m his partner and in a lot of ways I’m not and I will never be, and every once is a while that chafes.

Traveler is my partner and I am his, regardless of all of that. I know this.  And I would have him at a far greater price than this. He is my family and I am his.  At least 4 nights a week every week I don’t see him and this is how it will always be.  Most of the time I can honestly say that this is fine.  It works for us.  But every now and then I have a weak night, like tonight, and I just ache for him and there is no solution for that.  I had two nights in a row with him and now it is time for us all to go home.

I would not ask him for all of his nights, ever.  I would never ask for him to be with only me.  If I wanted that, then I don’t want him.  Traveler’s love for Quinky Girl is a huge part of him.  It is WHO HE IS.  The man I fell in love with loves a woman I’ve grown to love too.  I want them to be happy and to have the love of each other because I care about them and I know that this is part of their happiness.  I want the people I love to be happy.  Do not mistake this.  Do not project on this some crafty hope of mine to steal him away or desire to have him only for myself.  I don’t.  What I want is a magic wand where I can have this man.. this man that I love… all the time.. and he is still who he is.  I want to split him right in half without splitting him in half.  I want there to be 16 nights to every week so that there is time for all of us to do all the things we want to do.

Maybe I just want another full partnership someday with someone so that there is someone I can come “home” to sometimes too.  Maybe I want to clone Traveler.  Maybe I just need a teddy bear I can hold and spray with his cologne so it smells like him and I don’t have to spend most of my nights alone.  Maybe I don’t always want everyone I love to have home with someone else. Maybe just a few times a year I want it to be okay for me to feel like this, or maybe I just want someone to relate and say “I hear you sister!”.

Or maybe it’s okay that this is part of the price of admission for loving THIS man.  I accepted this long ago and it’s a decision I’m happy with 99% of the time.  Maybe I just needed to whine a little and to admit it already.  Sometimes I’m lonely.  And maybe I just need to go watch more House of Cards.

Alright already.  I admitted it.

Weird.

I feel better.

***
I just woke up today and thought, loving someone so much that every now and then it’s difficult to spend a night without them is a lovely problem to have. 🙂

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