It’s strangely hard sometimes to find a good lover. The emphasis here is on *good*.
I’ve had a little string on failed to launch associations and some incredible luck that made it not sting very much.
Traveler and I are still playing with our friend Yarn Hooker, and we had a little State of the Union the other night that left me very very grateful. We’ve all been playing a while now and had what I would call amazing fun sexy times. But I like her and I had this worry come up. It makes me crazy when married poly guys want to date me and say they are poly but have these primary structures making anything like an actual relationship pretty hard. I like casual sex and play friends and I like dating and being open to love. What I don’t like is people wanting all the benefits of being a boyfriend with none of the commitment. I won’t get on that soap box right now, but suffice it to say I’m about sick to fucking death of it.
So, then.. am I being an asshole with Yarn Hooker? She’s a smart, beautiful, sexy, talented woman. I like her. Traveler likes her. She seems to like us. Things are going swimmingly. But.. but.. are they? I started to wonder. So I asked.
Am I exploiting her? Am I using her or treating her poorly if I want to see her and be friends and have sex with her but I don’t want all of us to date-date? I dread the idea that she’d want to date Traveler alone at some point, or that he would feel that for her, but it happens. It’s the risk of having super fun threesomes with amazing women. It’s the risk of any casual sex. People get attached. Spend enough time doing date-like activities with a person.. and have orgasms with them.. someone is likely to get the feels.
So am I a huge asshole because as amazing as this woman is.. I mean really.. if I could DESIGN a woman I’d make her… She’s RARE.. as amazing as that… I don’t want to be a triad. Part of it is that triads are fucking hard. It’s hard enough to make one relationship work. The real deep deep problem though is.. I don’t really want to share Traveler’s time all the time with him having another girlfriend, and a triad would be that (or you know, him dating more people). I see him three days a week and it’s riches beyond compare. I love our little work nights too. I don’t want to go back to one night a week. It’s just not enough. I don’t want to have weekends where I don’t see him again or I get a lunch before someone else. I know obviously that I will have to share time with someone eventually. We are open and it will happen and I will accept and support it, but I don’t have to love the idea, do I?
So, I was wondering where things were with Yarn Hooker and feeling like a shit-heel because I want a casual relationship with her. No. It’s even worse than that. I want to be her friend and fuck her and I’d even like if she and I spent time together in whatever capacity, and we’ve talked about hitting the kink club, but I’m a selfish asshole who hopes that a triad or a thing with her and Traveler doesn’t develop. Ugh.
Am I treating her like a thing? Like a fuck doll? Like a thing to service my needs and not considering hers?
No. She’s very independent and not looking for a huge commitment. She isn’t wanting to spend the night gazing into each other’s eyes and cuddle sleeping with her fluffy-kins. She doesn’t want people limiting her or feeling she is beholden to them. She would like to have friendship and sexual adventures too for her own reasons and this is working out very well indeed.
Oh thank god. I thought that was the case but I worried.
And I realized I’m not like the entitled people who want me to be their girlfriend only in the on-demand sense. I’m not telling her I want one thing and wanting another or thinking that I am entitled to her affections for any reason. I’m interested in what works for all of us. I’m interested in her in a lot of ways and I don’t expect her to be my little fantasy fulfilling fuck-doll but to otherwise not exist.
Yay for great minds thinking alike.
And the friend that kissed me, that I had this big huge make-out with.. well.. we spent most of last night together. It was rather wonderful. He’s an amazing lover. But also it’s just that I like him so damn much. We are friends. We bonded working all these days and hours together over the past months on our huge Burning Man project. I admire him and respect him. I’m very very fond of him. And I’ve wanted for a while to have a sexual connection with him.
Kissing him was passionate and natural, but also funny. I kept telling myself I was kissing “him”. We tried to snuggle because it was so late and we fucked for a long long long time instead. We were naked in minutes. And I became aware at one point that I was pleading with him.
“Please.. oh.. god.. please.. please.. please.. oh.. please”.
And he was pleading back.
“Please. Yes. Mm. Yes. Please. Please. Mmm. Yes. Please”
In between kisses, out of breath, aching, and we were pleading with each other. We’d had this conversation about all these real things with us and some friends and my heart was still very open. And it was him, my friend.
And I’ve wanted him.
Oh God. Please. Please. Mmm. Oh Please.
I think I need to be a little careful here.