Bookends

I started out this morning happy and languid and in love.  I snuggled further into his arms and kissed his neck and his chest and ran my hands on his skin, earning the soft groan I love.  He was sleepy and I wasn’t awake yet either, and he was so warm and snuggly.  I ran my hands over his back, his bottom, his legs, petting his soft skin.  I touched him lightly and massaged him and he kissed me and pulled me tighter to him, petted my back, dozed.  After a long time petting we checked the clock.

Mmm.. there is time for eggs, love.  Or there is time for.. hmmmm.  I ran my hands over his naked body and cocked my pelvis against him.  He laughed with a little delight and pretended to think about it as I rolled him to his back and slid down his body.  We took our time.

Then tonight I met a man I’d met on OK Cupid.  He was pretty cute, but I’d like our conversation more and was happy that seemed the same in person.  We talked easily and ordered another drink, settling in to hanging out and chatting and somehow he brought up chemistry and very carefully and politely told me he didn’t really know where he stood because he likes a certain body shape that wasn’t mine. Oh. Well.  Cool.  Everyone isn’t everyone’s gig.

And he motioned with his hands that he just likes a certain curve to the hips, and that I was more (hands further apart). I was fatter than his type.  Ouch.  Well.  It happens.  I smiled and brushed it off, no biggie.  I felt my cheeks flush a little.  It was odd though because he’d seen my pics, and had seen my Fetlife account too, which even has pics of me naked, my ass, my tits, my pussy.  It’s not like he didn’t know what I look like.

Our drinks had arrived and I wasn’t sure what to do.  Do I just walk out?  He asked if I minded hanging out anyway.  I really wanted to leave but I said no of course it was no big deal and yeah, I’d love to chill for a bit.  And it did get better again.  We laughed and talked a bit and it was really nice.  I’d been enjoying the conversation and he asked me back to his place.  It was close and we walked there, leaving my car at the bar.  We had a nice walk and ended up companionably talking at his place.

He gave really mixed messages because it was clear as we’d settled that he wanted me.  What was happening? I am captain awkward, so I asked and he admitted he was interested.  God help me I let things get carried away.  I didn’t sleep with him, but I might has well have.  And as quickly as it had escalated I knew it’d been a mistake when it was done. I am long past getting some dude off to prove my sexy fat ass is worthy.  But here I was.  It was cheap and I hated that I’d done it.

I walked the blocks back to the bar and my car simmering with shame. I’m pretty sure I’ll never hear from him again, which is a good thing.

Bookends.

Thank god for last night and this morning.

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