I’m in the last week of my first quarter of grad school and I’ll warn you that I don’t have the bandwidth to edit this much, and probably shouldn’t even write it. School is owning my reading and writing these days. But I need to put stuff somewhere and get to bed.
I’ve felt wrung out much of the last few weeks, looking at the injustices and evil of things and learning so much about all the stuff I didn’t know and knowing I’ll never stop learning. We got it wrong.
And I’m stressed and tired and a little too emotional because I don’t have the reserves now that I did. It’s easy to boil over and sob in my car because I promised myself in the coffee shop that I’d cry about this stuff later.
And I thought it’d be nice to look a teeny bit at finding a friend for sexy fun times. This was a HUGE error in judgement. I woke up my OkCupid profile and my AFF and whatever else and met a sea of sickness. Misogyny and entitlement and waves of bullshit meet you if you admit you’d maybe like a lower stress sexy fun friendship with someone. No matter what I actually say there is a SEA of dudes that evidently see this as an open invite to cut and paste whatever horror they like to send women, complete with the 57000 dick pics they all have laying around for unsolicited viewing. And they’re mad because this isn’t working. “Why are those bitches on the internet who say they wanna fuck being such cunts about it? They write articles about the terrible oppression of men dating online.
And I end up sleeping with a married guy who is cheating on his truly lovely wife because he tricked me.
And I make out with a negging jerk because it worked and I feel shame and then for some reason want to prove to him I’m worthy.. as if his negging body-negative ass was worth it?!?
And fucking misogyny.
And fucking papers and stress and lack of sleep.
And fucking fuck our crazy world and the people it is oppressing and killing…and the history we don’t know and repeat… and the unfairness and meanness and wrongness and hate.
Today in class we did a little cognitive behavior exercise and the feeling I felt was overwhelm and anger and sadness and the thought behind it was “it is hopeless” and “there isn’t anything I can do” and “people are terrible”.
The evidence supporting this was redlining, hanging, white supremacy, liars, rapers, slavers, muslim-haters, … (and I could make this list for days).
So we ask ourselves in the exercise “But is this true?” No.
And I thought about gay rights and an article I wrote a while back. The world HAS changed in some real ways. It has more to do, and it’s not far enough, but the world DID change. I never thought I’d see same sex marriage being passed by States. I never thought it’d be common in society to pressure families to accept their gay members. I never thought MOST people would support gay marriage. It just wasn’t a thing I could see.
We were literally dying because they hated us. They wouldn’t pay for AIDS research or treatment because it was a filthy disease of gay people. By the early 90’s we were dying in droves. You could not be in the gay community and be unaffected and not know someone who had AIDS. We watched us die, and die in terrible droves and they did nothing. We staged protests and stormed the stock exchange and did wild and crazy things to try to make them hear. And eventually they did.
Our families kicked us out. People in school tortured us.
And make no mistake.. this still happens all too often. But there is a change. The rest of you think those families are wrong and sometimes the rest of you even stands up for that bullied gay person.
Maybe eventually they’ll do that or non-monogamous people. Or for human rights. Or for systematic oppression. Or refugees. Or people who look different or are differently able.
There’s so much to do, but there *IS* change sometimes.
We have power to change big un-changable wrong things.
Now if we just had the power to meet respectful guys who wanted to do fun terrible sexy things with grad students. 😀