I just dropped Traveler and Quinky Girl off at the airport for their yearly trek to Traveler’s family. It was nice to be able to see them off and kiss their faces and wish them a great trip. I cried a LOT less this morning than previous Christmas Eve’s. It’s only taken me a couple of years, but I think I might have a good plan for this holiday.
I need to be proactive.
The first Christmas Traveler and I dated I was still with my ex-husband, and Traveler and I celebrated earlier in the week with a steamy afternoon-delight date. We exchanged little gifts and our lunch date became an all day delight. I wrote a steamy private blog about it that I didn’t publish at the time. We weren’t yet serious, and we made up for lost time in January.
The next Christmas had Traveler at his family’s house again, but this year was difficult. Traveler and I were much more serious and I was newly divorced and living in a room in a house with a prudish woman roommate with a LOT of issues about sex. It was the most alone I’d pretty much ever felt over the holidays.
My daughters weren’t speaking to me and I was heartbroken to see the oldest get close with the woman my husband left me for, even though the ex and her broke up too. My step-daughter and she were so close they stayed friendly while I was so easily thrown away. I wish my daughter didn’t tell me everything that was said about me too. And then the ex celebrated with the dog walker I’d just found out days before he’d been seeing behind my back for months, including the time we were separated and hoping to work out our marriage. All that time he’d been eating our favorite thing from our bakery with her and taking her to our Spaghetti Factory and our other haunts. They even called each other our pet names. He told me that he didn’t think he could be poly and that my sluttiness made him feel unsafe, all the while screwing this woman and the girl he’d left me for (until she broke up with him) and doing all of our stuff with the dog walker behind my back. (Which is actually super sad for her too when you think about it).
I saw pictures of his tree in our living room with some of our ornaments and some of the dog walker’s and my candlesticks and the Van Gogh print I’d had since I was 21. There they were with the rug Evan and I picked out and our comfy brown couch and the pillows I’d bought. There was MY cat Evan guilted me out of taking since my place was so small and she loved the dog so much. And EVERYONE but me knew. I wallowed in self pity.
I’d had an early dinner with my old friend and her family, but I’d been so morose I wasn’t really social. I spent Christmas night curled up with my friend’s dog on my bed. The highlight had been watching Meet Me in St. Louis with Quinky Girl and chatting in a Google Hangout. I was about as low as I could possibly feel when she popped up and asked me to watch it with her. It was a total godsend. I felt so loved, to get to have that time with her. Traveler came in to watch it too in their room at his family’s house, and she sent me video of him curled up and sleeping.
I’d never seen the movie and had been really charmed. My favorite gift that year was her time and that she’d thought about me and wanted to share that movie with me. It was good to hear they missed me and that I’d come up a lot in conversation.
The next Christmas Traveler and Quinky Girl had stayed home due to a host of factors. It was a little sad for Traveler to spend his first Christmas in his life without his family, and I felt bad for enjoying it so much. He’d enjoyed it too, of course. We all did a bunch of holiday stuff together and on Christmas morning I came over and we opened presents and made a lovely meal and then just had a long lazy day. It had been another busy holiday season, and it was good to just be together with my family. Quinky made maybe the most delicious beef I’d ever had in my life.
And now this Christmas. Traveler and Quinky Girl are traveling to his family’s house and my brother (one remaining family member) is engaged in some kind of craziness with his wife, which is way too long a story for this post. Here I am in Seattle.
But this year is different.
I have typically hosted Christmases for friends. I haven’t really had a family in years, and I had a very close circle of friends. We usually made a feast and opened up the house to everyone. Friends came and spent the day or drifted in or out. We ate too much and played board games in our pajamas. My mother had always had fussy Christmases that were formal events that required the house to be perfect and an exhausting and rigid schedule. I’d vowed when I grew up that I’d have pajama Christmases, and so I always did. I loved those parties. We’d play chill music and have epic Tetris battles or christmas candy poker games.
So this year I’m hosting a Christmas. The friend I talked about sleeping with a little while ago, the one I did the burning man art project with, and I are hosting orphans Christmas. I called off the sexy times with him because it was too complicated. He’s not good at casual, and he isn’t poly. Which is a conundrum. So, we’re friends. And we sometimes kiss a little. Whatever. It works.
We invited some people. It’s going to be a relatively small party of about 8 or so people, and I’m excited about it. And it takes the sting out of Traveler going home to a family that doesn’t know about the years I’ve loved him and he’d loved me, and what we mean to each other.
I’m not sure Traveler will EVER come out to his family or fully come out. I think he will always deny part of who he is and what I am to him maybe, and there’s not a lot I can do about that. It makes me sad.. for me, and for him too. I can’t imagine sitting at a table with all the people I love and fearing telling them who I actually am. What a distance to bring to a relationship. I’m a big part of him now, and what a price to deny that. It’s hard for him. It’s hard for Quinky Girl too. She is out everywhere but with his family and she doesn’t really have a choice there either. It is Traveler’s choice, but she bears a cost too. She has to sit there talking about her “friend” Jonah, and her “buddy” when she talks about me. She has to play the part of the regular old happy married couple. She has to be fake too even though she doesn’t want to. She’s not a person who does inauthenticity comfortably.
It is how it is. I dated a closeted man thinking it would never matter, but love changes things. You never know. He may someday work up the courage. I hope so.
I wish they were here to enjoy this holiday with me. Traveler was sad the night before last when he stayed here, and he said he’d miss me. I asked if he promised and he laughed and promised he’d miss me daily. He was extra affectionate, and we snuggled in bed, curled on our sides and facing each other with our limbs intertwined while we just kinda looked in each other’s eyes. It was late but we didn’t want to sleep yet. We wanted just a little bit longer together.
So.. today I took them to the airport and got my lovely kisses goodbye and I look forward to picking them up and enjoying their hugs. And I’m baking a mountain of cookies for presents, and things for my Christmas dinner. My friend and I are decorating a little today and spending tomorrow with others who didn’t have a place to go this year. We’re going to have too much delicious food and too much wine. And we’re going to sit in his hot tub and maybe watch movies or play games. It turns out that my friend who offered so generously to use his house for our orphan’s christmas will likely spend at least part of the day as the only guy in a hot tub full of naked women. It’s a tough life, but someone’s gotta do it. I wish Quinky Girl and Traveler were coming.
I just put on the free music station I listen to every year. It’s called Christmas Lounge on Soma FM, and it’s free, if you’re interested. You don’t have to make an account or anything. I play it pretty much all of December. It’s HERE at http://somafm.com/listen/.
I hope you have a good holiday wherever you are and whoever you are with. I hope you are loved and that you have people to love, whoever those people are.
- God, I’m going to miss you. It’s hard to be away.
- Yeah. You know I miss you when I’m not with you for a little while.
- Awww. Yes. I know. But I like hearing it. *kiss*. I wish a had a magic decoder ring.
- What are you trying to decode?
- I thought you said you wanted a magic decoder ring.
- Yeah. But it’s magic.
- So it doesn’t decode messages?
- No. It still could. It could tell me to drink more Ovaltine, I suppose. But that’s not why I want it.
- You don’t really want it to decode things? I’m confused.
- It’s MAGIC. It’s a special magic ring that lets you go home and have a great holiday with Quinky Girl and your family and do all the cool traditions and stuff, but you are also here with me.
- I like this plan. Does it make a clone of me?
- No. It just let’s you be both places at the same time. I don’t want a fake you or to send a fake you home. You could just magically do both with my magical decoder ring.
- I love you. I’m going to miss you so much.
- *Laugh*. Yes. I promise I’ll miss you every day.
- Good. I mean have fun and eat a cookie or whatever, but I’m glad you’ll miss me a little.
- I’ll miss you a lot.
- Yes. I promise I’ll miss you a lot every day.
- Good. I’ll miss you too. And I love you too, Hooker. And maybe I’ll drink more Ovaltine.
*all images from the movie A Christmas Story