Somebody that I used to know

I was just reading old messages to my blog and a link I missed a million years ago, to a blog I wrote a few years back and it linked to this song.

———-

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

———-

I had my biggest break up a few years ago, and it’s taken me a while to sort it all out.  It was like when my father died and I found myself thinking of things and feeling things I hadn’t thought about since I was 14.  His death just kinda shook our snow globe.  

Did you ever notice how things we don’t deal with come out sideways?  I find the great lessons are like onions for me, and I peel back layer after layer after layer.  I learn about being vulnerable over and over, or about extending trust again and again, just in new and deeper ways. 

It takes a while after a break-up to sort out reality from hopes and habit.  It’s hard to see a relationship for what it is when I’m in it.  I spent too long in some relationships, trying to make myself happy with what they were so I didn’t have to do the work of being true to myself and leaving. 

I spun sugar out of air, making connections where they didn’t exist and seeing the best in everyone at the detriment of the truth.  I overlooked that selfishness or that drinking problem or that inability to be honest. I put up with his utter inability to handle emotion and told myself I was a good person for helping him learn, except.. did he learn?  I said “he’s just tired” and “she’s just feeling stressed”.  I tried to be agreeable when I was stood up or pushed off or managed.  I forgave so easily because I just wanted them to go back to them loving me.  Breaking up after that feels like waking up.  

We repeat the patterns we’ve learned over and over again, don’t we?  We are always trying to work out those first relationships.. make them love us, prove we can stay, show ourselves and the world how great we are to make this work.. we’ll make this work dammmit… 

And the thing is that this isn’t a dress rehearsal.  We have one life. What are we shutting off every time we do this?  Why do we plead and pour and cajole and beg to make things that really shouldn’t last?  And when they do come apart, why is it so hard to let them go and handle all the remnants.  And why do we run away from taking the real chances at love because we don’t want to lose our security?

———-

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

———-

I’ve had relationships end where we are friends or we later became friends and I’ve had those where they ended when they ended.  I think the pendulum swings all over on this…if we should seek to be friends or walk away and have no contact.  It was seen as a real shortcoming for a while to not be able to let go and I think the pendulum now is that we should all be best buddies with all of our exes.  I’m still friends with some, but some people it really is just healthier to wish well from a distance. 

———-

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

———-

Yeah.  That about sums it up.  

That’s then thing about relationships ending really.  They are people I used to know.  We aren’t the people that we were.  Even if we are together a long time, and still together, sometimes we just aren’t the people that we used to know.  It’s just more stark if you break up.  

I went through my Facebook links to old loves last night, seeing how they were.  I even looked up a few people.  It’s a funny thing to look at their pictures and their lives and realize we don’t know each other.  I dated this guy once for about 6 months and for whatever reason he popped into my head and I looked him up.  I could hardly recognize him, and I realized reading his likes and posts and such that I don’t even know him.  We spent half a year romantically entwined and I don’t know the first thing about him now. 

———-

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

[Kimbra]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I’d done
But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

———-

When I think about all the lies… god.  When I think about the hurtful things, the dark things, the disregard, and the meanness at the end I wonder if I ever knew anyone.  That’s that thing I learn over and over again, isn’t it?  This takes me to the place where I wonder if love is ever real and ever exists and is ever for me.  How could the same person say the same things they said about me at the beginning and the end.  How could we be both that thing and this thing?  And why is it so easy for everyone else?  I don’t like the ways I’ve let myself behave with that fear and that sadness.  

So.. I let it out, knowing I’ll have to or it’ll come out sideways, right? 

And so every once in a while I go on Facebook or Google or whatever and see the people that I used to know.

I looked at pictures last night of a guy I was with on and off with for years, trying to remember tracing my fingers on that face.  I could, so well, and I couldn’t either.  The magic of that just isn’t there in someone’s face that I used to know.

I barely recognized the man that was my “one that got away”.  I skimmed his posts and thought he is still so likeable, and he still seems so genuine, but he hasn’t been mine for a long long long time.  There was a time a long time ago that I cried for him on the floor of my shower until the water ran cold, and now that girl on that shower is just somebody that I used to know.

———-

[Gotye]
But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you’re just somebody that I used to know)

(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody

Lyrics- Here.

 

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