I really dislike my brain sometimes. I woke up this morning with my brain churning a little. I noticed it and realized what was happening. Every now and then I start spinning about something. I used to see Great Date do this, and it’s how I finally realized I did it too.
Sometimes it’s fear. Sometimes I feel a little afraid and my mind casts about to understand my fear. The house is not on fire. The cats are okay. Maybe I had a nightmare I don’t remember. I don’t know, but my mind is an unkind place. I cast doubts around about my worth.. my friendships. I chew on the edge of my relationships. I pull up reasons I should be afraid or sad or that things could be bad. I pull up real and imagined evidence for how I suck. I tell myself mean things. I am the voice in the dark.
I’ve learned over time that this is just me petting a worry stone. I can spin up elaborate bad things, and I know it. I’m cherry picking the little rotten things to make problems that don’t exist. I’m fine. I’m more than fine. I’m happy. I’m here in my quiet apartment with my sweet kitties. I live in a neighborhood I love. I live in a city I love. I have a family that I love that loves me. I’m making the best choices I can and I’ll be ok. My relationship(s) are good.
And I learned to pull out the anti-venom for poisonous thoughts.
My apartment is safe and it’s mine. I am home. I am not alone. Quinky Girl sat next to me at my divorce and she told me with utter sincerity that I am not alone. I don’t have a family and when Evan traded me in I felt so utterly alone. I’d made him my whole family. I even lost my daughters. (step daughters). But I’m still not alone. I didn’t even tell her that, but she knew, guessed that’s how she would feel and told me I wasn’t alone. She promised me and I believe her. Traveler promised too. And I believe him too. I have a family. Remember Thanksgiving? Remember making my coffee table? Remember when I broke my foot? Had my motorcycle accident? Thought I might need a mastectomy and a hysterectomy?
I tell myself in my head: Remember teaching each other all those things? Remember standing in the drizzle at Critical Massive Campout holding him? Remember the first time you told each other you loved each other? Remember when he told you he was in love with you? Remember how he holds you? Picture the way he tells you you are beautiful and how much he needs you. Remember holding him when he was afraid and sad and hurt? Remember the million times you supported each other. Remember that connection. Good god remember that passion. Remember your plans. Remember your dreams together. Remember when he let you in. Remember when you finally felt safe being vulnerable here? Remember the giant list of reasons to have no fear.
I can focus on anything I choose to focus on and I can choose to focus on all the reasons I am okay. We have projects and plans together. We have a history and a future. I am loved. I am utterly loved. And I love.
The world will be bumpy, and yes, I can’t say that my family will always be here. I’ve learned that lesson. I can’t say that my love will always be here either. I learned that too. I can’t say things won’t change, but I also can’t say that I won’t be okay if they do.
I realized a while ago, but I don’t know when, that I’m better off. I loved my ex-husband to my very marrow. I really did. And he loved me too. I understand that now. All of that was real regardless of how it ended. But that it ended wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. This is the part I learned and I was surprised to learn. Our relationship needed to change. He didn’t need to be cruel and to purposely hurt me the way he did, but that’s what he needed to be able to go I suppose. But the truth is that I needed him to go too. I’m better off, even if the path to get here was excruciating. Even though the absolute worst happened I am okay and I’m happy here. I’m not better off because he was a bad husband, though in many ways he was. I’m better off now because I just am. I’m happy.
And today, this morning, right now.. I’m okay. I can list all the reasons to be happy too.
My heart stopped racing. It was just a mood. And I don’t have to feed it.