Home Again

Traveler and I just got home from a week away, and what a week!  I think I fell even more in love with him.

We spent a week together in Vancouver Island in British Columbia.  It was wonderful. We hiked and walked and ate great meals and did sea kayaking.  We had morning and afternoon and evening kisses and snuggles and hot passionate sex. We had connected sex and sweet sex and close gasping, can’t stop kissing, locked eyes, grasping, aching, delicious sex.  Almost four years in and I fall fall fall.  God yes.  We’ve never spent a week together before, just us, and it was glorious.

hello bc vancouver islandWe talked and talked and joked and laughed and kissed and snuggled and just had the best time.  It was easy and fun.

And honestly it was hard to come home.  We daydreamed about the cafe we’d open in Hawaii or the bed and breakfast we’d run like the one we stayed in.  We dreamed about the vacation home we’d build together and the little country house we’d live in.  It’s idle dreams that we both know won’t happen.  We love Quinky, and our jobs and our friends, and our lives.  But there was something special about this dreaming o me.  It’s special because it isn’t real.  It won’t hurt anyone or change our lives. It’s just the admission that in a perfect world made of magic we’d get to be together like this all the time.  It’s only the admission that this love is a great love too.

On permanent vacation, we’d drive places and laugh, people watch and plan dinner, mull over a wine and pick up pretty rocks from the beach, and come home every day to cook together and make tired love and snuggle long into the morning.  We’d linger over our breakfast in bed, and read to each other.  I’d often walk into the bathroom to brush my teeth side by side with him, raise our eyebrows in the mirror and grab each other’s butts from time to time on the way out.

We both know this isnt the life we chose and neither of us would ever actually pursue this full time love, but by admitting it would be great, we were admitting what this was between us. We are happy with our lives and the people in them. We are happy with this relationship. But of course it’s fun to dream of being on vacation forever.  He chose and loves two women and the lives that he lives with each of us.

Over time his home with Quinky is becoming one of his two homes. Over time I’m sharing my life with him, making room and welcoming him into other reaches.  Over time he doesn’t have a primary home, but has two homes with two women who are crazy about him. If we’re lucky, Quinky and I will have our other loves too, and we’ll make room in our hearts and lives too for the things that grow. The beauty and the curse of polyamory is that there isn’t “you and I against the world”. When we open our hearts and lives to more than one connection we are saying that it won’t be just you and I forever.  It can’t be. And make no mistake, that is actually a very sad thing at times. And a beauty too. I went through a period of mourning with my ex when we realized that.

If you love more than one person and they do too, you will never always be the first person to hear all the news. You won’t be the primary home forever. It won’t always be just you and I. It can’t be. It doesn’t actually work like that.  We want to tell things to our loves and we’ll share more than our partners bed with others.  We’ll share their heart and their life.  We’ll share the news and the time.  In poly there is no “just you and me forever”. And that shit is hard. It’s difficult. It’s scary. But it’s so god damned beautiful too. This amazing man that I love will have this other love too, that I’m not a part of, and that is his alone.  He’ll have this both of these homes and both of these hearts.  It’s a beautiful thing to collaborate in love.  

But it’s nice sometimes to remember that we are all choosing to share.  He could see a life with just me, and I could see a life with just him, and it would be more than enough, beautiful.  But we chose to have more than this whole and beautiful relationship with just us two.  We chose to have this, and this other whole and beautiful relationship or openness to another relationship for our selves or for our partners.

It wont ever be just us, and we won’t spend eternity on vacation, but it’s fun to dream about and it says something important about what’s here that we could see just us too.  It says that we are whole, and fulfilling and complete, even if we aren’t the only full and fulfilling and complete relationship either of us is in.  We COULD be, and that would be beautiful, but we choose something else that is beautiful and IS a choice. We are open because BOTH of these loves are whole and perfect and complete.

And it’s fun to spend a week now and then getting away from things and just spending time together.  And it’s good to come home to our kitties and our lives and all these things and people we love, so happy and so sated.  

Permanent vacation would be pretty great though.  You have to admit it’s a perfectly valid dream.

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