It’s hard

I can’t stand being emotional and hurt by other’s emotions.

I hate it when the people I love are angry and distant and strange.  I hate it. I spent half of July 4th not understanding why Traveler was being grouchy and surly. He kept asking me where a wine from his basement was from and I kept saying I don’t know, maybe Quinky bought it? It looks like it’s from Oregon?  It’s from 2008, were you there then? It says it’s from Oregon. Look, the winery is in Oregon.

He snapped that he knew it was from Oregon and I’d said that 5 times, and I walked upstairs like a kicked puppy.

Quinky said “he hasn’t had any down time”. I’m know she didn’t mean it like that, but it felt like she was saying that he needed downtime after the vacation he’d had with me, as though he’d need downtime from me or as though a week of relaxation with me wasn’t down time.  For the record, she didn’t mean it like that.  I think she was just trying to say he was tired.

And for the record he does not need downtime after spending time with me. I am not some sort of trial he would need rest from. We had a wonderful, relaxing, fabulous vacation and I know we both enjoyed it immensely and we were not the slightest bit glad to be rid of each other.  He specifically told me how rested he felt, how wonderful the vacation had been for him and how much he’d enjoyed the time with me and wished it was a lot longer. He always talks about the way he loves time with me as I love it with him.

Upstairs and feeling like a kicked puppy after he grumpily snarked at me I took it personal. He wasn’t just suddenly withdrawn for his own reasons, in my head.  Maybe he was tired from moving shit all day at his house that day? Maybe he was tired from unpacking? Maybe he’d slept funny and had a crick in his neck or maybe he had indigestion from a ham sandwich.No no no, not in my mind.

He was upset and in my mind it was at me.  And it smarted. I’d been so blissful, and honestly so sad to be home and without him.  At first I understood it wasn’t about me and even smiled a little in the kitchen after he’d grumbled at something else. I held out for a while.  I thought of all the reasons above he may be snarky. But when he didn’t say what was up and then snarked at me about the origin of a bottle of wine, and then the idea that he would need downtime (after a week off on a vacation with me), and I felt kinda terrible.  I spent a bit of the night with my stomach in knots.

 

We had a lovely dinner and watched fireworks on the porch with nice talk. Traveler again got snarky once, on the porch when we were all talking about when we’d all first said “I love you”, and I felt sort of hang dog. Was he mad that I’d told people about when he’d told me he loved me?  Was that private? It was just Quinky and her boyfriend? Wasn’t that okay? I don’t know.  I don’t know what set him off then either.

When I was leaving I reminded him that I had a dinner with a classmate and wouldn’t see him until later on Wednesday, even though Quinky is going out of town suddenly and we can spend some nights together. He snapped at me that he knew that.  I asked if he needed some time alone and he snapped at that too and said of course he didn’t.  I didn’t know what was going on, but it felt awful.  The trip had been magic. I was sure of it.  He had said, clear as day, that it had been magic for him too. We’d had so much fun. Everything was wonderful when I had left him at home Sunday night.  Me asking now what was up only made him snarkier.  So I left.

I felt so stupid, so pathetic. Why do people do this? Why do people that love people act like that? What happened? I came home and calmed and then cried myself to sleep later, thinking of how alone I am here, how maybe I’d daydreamed those wonderful days and nights and all the beautiful things. Maybe the mood had nothing to do with me, but it was still such a shock to my system and such a corrosive thing to feel.

I hate the emotional hangover.  I hate that it’s painful when people I love act like that.  I hate how open my heart still was and how much that cut my quick. It was hard to be home, knowing that we’d go back to normal life and I’d go back to missing him. I’d been sad all day, missing him.  And then finally there he was, but so far away and so brooding and so distant and reactive.

Hell. Maybe he missed me too.

I’d beaten myself up a little today for being so emotional.

THIS. This is why I wish I were more like Spock.  How blissful it would be to be a rational Vulcan. I wouldn’t mind the mind meld ability either.

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