The thrill of the chase

The thrill of the chase is only a thrill when it’s a little reciprocal. This comes up over and over again.

Men send out messages on dating sites by the dozen and get few replies, usually. You wonder if “they” will call. Does she want to hang out again? Is it too soon to ask him if he’d like to spend the night? You’re in love with them and hope they don’t just like you a bunch.

I joined a swinger club and it has a facebook group.  In the group a woman commented today that she doesn’t know if this is the experience of other single women, but she is tired of being “picked last”, and she doesn’t appreciate being someone’s booty call when some other date or the wife cancelled. She explained that she wants to sleep with people that want to sleep with her and it feels crummy to be choice number 4.

Nobody wants to feel like filler. Nobody likes to be some interchangeable cog with no individual value. Especially in swinging it’s natural for one’s relationship to rank over play partners, but do those partners then have to be of such little value? Maybe. Maybe a person wants a nice anonymous romp with a random dick. Maybe they want any old acceptable pussy.There is certainly a thrill to the anonymous sometimes.

But it kinda stinks if you are the single girl in the swing club looking for friends who want to play and finding that most of your bedmates would like you to do the deed and quickly be walking away. I’m not saying that’s intrinsically bad. People can enjoy anything they agree to and anything they choose if they wish. Humans have a really vast array of things that make us happy. But the trick is saying what we want.

If I’m that single girl dismayed by my sea of anonymous fucks and lack of lovely friends, then admit and SAY I would like to make friends. Invite people I meet to do friendly things and engage as a friend. It’s likely this will shrink the dating pool, but fuck it. Shouldn’t your pool contain things that actually make you happy?  And yes this extends to all kinds of relationships. If the Hubby and Wife want a woman who will fuck them both and nobody else and maybe even move in and join their relationship, it’s not intrinsically bad. It’s bloody unlikely and hard to find, but it does happen. It’s kinda douchey and sort of a bum deal for her, but if she honestly seeks it… yay!

It’s hard to figure out what we want and takes work and reflection. It’s harder still sometimes to say what we want. It might live under years of feeling like your feelings don’t matter, or worry about being the big dumb dog, or a belief that the things you want are crazy or unattainable, but if we never chase them they will never happen.

Of course chasing and chasing and chasing is exhausting. It’s sometimes really sad and lonely effort. Our hearts get broken and our resolve gets weak. Or the object of our affection doesn’t seem to want us all that much.  And to chase and chase and chase the unattainable is crazy making.

So maybe it’s a matter of degree. I’ll chase you a bit, and ease up.  And then maybe you’ll chase me.  Maybe we both find something here that we seek and you are worth a little effort and maybe I am too. Maybe we take turns a little doing the chasing.  Maybe that’s how relationships that are healthy function. It seems to work that way for me.

I will give you chase, but there is a limit, and I won’t chase those that don’t chase back for long. Eventually I will give up if I do all the chasing. I’ll decide, you know.. maybe they just aren’t that into me?  I shrug (or maybe lick my poor little rejected wounds) (oh to be the unflappable Grace Kelly). I feel really grateful that I somehow don’t get crushing crushes. It looks crazy painful.

How do you conduct the chase?

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