Starting the NEW blog

 

Some years ago we started asking ourselves questions. Does monogamy actually work for us? What does it mean if we want to touch other people? Have sex with other people? Have relationships or even love for more than one person?  Would having an orgasm with someone somehow erase what I have with this other person? Would it really?

Could I have sex with others?  Could people I care about have sex with others and we’d still be us?  What if I loved more than one person? At the time I was married, and swinging appealed to me. I had wanted to be a swinger pretty much since I’d learned about what it was. My husband at the time and I discussed it. He was interested at first, but quickly realized he would rather have relationships with others, and we learned about and became poly. And well.. I’m not going to lie. For a lot of reasons, not all of them polyamory, my marriage exploded.

But I was here and I was still poly. I had the capacity and interest in relationships with more than one person at a time. And over the years I had these polyamorous relationships. The most people I was ever dating at once was four, and I do not recommend it. It’s exhausting and basically I was always disappointing somebody.

I read and read and blogged and blogged and lived and talked and tried, and found that hierarchies weren’t for me. I didn’t like primaries and secondaries and never did. Even my husband and I when we first opened up felt that this wouldn’t work for us.  This doesn’t mean that my existing relationships and long term loves don’t have priority with me or that they don’t matter. I am very into honoring commitments and the investment of love and time and experience.  But I liked anyone I dated to be a whole person and to not be arbitrarily forever limited, no matter what, because someone met someone first. This is long and hard to explain. We’ll come back to it.

So.. I’ve been polyamorous for 5 years. And over the years I’ve had occasion to explore, my sexuality, life and all kinds of things. I’ve discovered I’m still interested in swinging and joined a club. I’ve also discovered I’m kinky, and explored that a little bit too. And over time I just kinda discovered that I didnt’ need and didn’t fit super neatly into any tiny box.

Like most humans, I’m complicated. I’m guessing so are you.

So finding myself at need to create a new blog for a variety of reasons I thought about the next chapter. What did I want to write? It wasn’t going to be just a blog on polyamory. And it wasn’t a blog just on swinging. Or a blog even just on dating.

Love, Sex and Relationships have always interested me and are fodder for an infinite stream of thought. It’s also a stream for profound connection and I’ve made so many friends here on this journey of ethical non-monogamy, of honest open relating. And it occurred to me this new little blog could be something else.

I could have blogs on all of these open sex and love and relationships, and could invite a friend to contribute here and there too. We could have interviews and podcasts and links. In non-monogamy, in so many ways we are all defining for ourselves what any of these words and labels mean, and how they fit us, if at all.  And we’re the architects of the connections we are creating. And that’s beautiful but it’s scary and difficult too. And I learn a lot from my friends, and hope you do too.

There’s a weird thing that happens when we start asking ourselves all of these questions. We find and create the love and sex and relationships we crave, and we walk off of the path that doing things the way we were told to creates.  I have found the blogger community so informative and supportive. Starting this new broader blog, I hope that continues.

However you got here and whatever brings you, welcome. I hope to hear from you in comments or emails or on facebook or twitter or any of the other places.

I’m so excited at this next chapter. Here’s to open love and sex and relationships. Here’s to new blogs.

– Thanks for reading!

Holly

The problem with writing

The problem with writing is that there is the thing you think you wrote. You had these thoughts and you wanted to share them or part of them or say something about them, so you put them into words. And you think these words mean this. And you write them. You string together sentences and paragraphs to express the stuff you were thinking or feeling. But you may or may not have actually written what you were thinking.  You might have picked a bad word or wrote it in a rush or been thoughtless.

Then there is the reader. They read what you wrote. They take in those words and process them. They maybe read the words there and may get what those words mean to you. Maybe not.  Maybe they think a certain thing themselves and that comes into play.

It’s a really imprecise thing and to be super honest it’s hard to do right. If you make sure sure sure you never say anything that could ever ruffle anyone then you aren’t really saying anything. You certainly can’t talk about feelings or experiences, love, sex, dating, death, money, or really anything important and expect not to ruffle anyone.  But you can have some standards and make some efforts not to be a dick.

I have totally failed at this and it’s shitty. Continue reading

Standard Operating Procedure

When I was in the Army we had these written manuals for almost everything.  They were called SOP’s or Standard Operating Procedures.  They are the things that explain how everything runs.  Writing an SOP means asking yourself about all kinds of conditions and practices and really defining what you know and what you’ve learned to be the best way to do things.  You often revise them, especially if you learn something.  And I realized I have an SOP of sorts for dating.  I’m not new at this anymore and I’ve worked out a few things for me.

SOP circuit
It’s not that I think people would ever need to jump through hoops to date me.  It’s that I’ve just asked myself a lot of questions and I have found some answers now.  Part of that is being an adult for a while.  Part of that is being poly for a while.  Part of that is bitter experience and part of it is reading other’s wisdom, talking to people about what works for them, and thinking about things.  I’ve published 578 blog posts.  I’ve also written 48 drafts that I kept and trashed 3 blogs and made about 10 blog posts private.  That in no way makes me an expert on bupkiss, but it does mean I’ve been thinking.

Continue reading

Unpublished

cyanideandhappiness.com

cyanideandhappiness.com

I’ve written a bunch of blogs this week and not published a one of them.  One is a rant about things and it just isn’t right, and frankly it’s boring to have this general rant.  I wasn’t even able to get the gist of it right in person when I talked about it.  Another is a long and rambling thing about processing fear that I’m pretty sure nobody cares about and I think I’ve already written anyway.  And one is a gushy ballad of a thing about this incredible sexual experience.  But I didn’t publish it, because really.. how many times can I write about that?

Sometimes writing is difficult.

Sometimes Writing is Hard

It's hard to be a kitten.

It’s hard to be a kitten.

Sometimes writing is hard.  I wrote this long thing last night about laying it all out there when you meet someone, and included all this stuff and realized it could be said like this.

I met a guy on OK Cupid and after some discussion we agreed to meet and both talked a little about what we are open to.  I worried for a second that he might not like this or that about what I am open to and what I want and then remembered something.  If this guy is a good fit for me to date, he’ll be attracted to the things I am.  If who I am upsets him or whatever, well.. that’s good information.  He asked to share the email with his wife, which gave me a little pause for a second till I realized that if this guy’s wife had some issue with me or anything I am, that’s good information, and if he and his wife end up being a little too in each other’s business and I’d be dating  committee (something I would hate) that’s good information too.  And as it turns out I needn’t have worried.  He just really liked what I’d said and thought it was a nice way to say things he and his wife had discussed and wanted to share it with her rather than try to say it again in his words.  Every once in a great while I get afraid to lay it all out there.  I know there can be consequences for doing so, but if I’m hoping to find love or friendship with people who are into ME.. then being me does make a lot of sense.

There.  I just saved anyone who’d read it about a page and a half.

Heh.

And as a bonus, I just took that picture of my kitten, Nani.  It was too good and appropriate to the topic not to share.

Lucky 700!

Last week we hit 700 subscribers to this blog.  Holy guacamole.

700

I have been away on training, and still am (but am ecstatically on my way home), so I haven’t yet told you and celebrated.  But here we are.. 700!  Damn that feels like a lot.  I’m telling you, and I say this with every milestone, but I never imagined.  Blogs are a tricky business and it’s wonderful is ANYONE reads them.

I’m planning some cool things though and I hope it’ll make it worth it.  I’m planning a more regular podcast, a piece Quinky Girl and I are working on together that will have some great research and some personal interest, and a blog series on some topics.  It’s exciting.  Again, I’d be thrilled to do things just for myself, but it’s wonderful that people actually read them or seem to like them.  It’s such an honor to be helpful here and there and/or to entertain or give you weirdos like me out there the proof that you aren’t alone.  I love that I’m not alone and thank you for that.  And for you non-weirdos.. or weirdos of different stripes, thank you too!

You guys rock.

Ooh. They linked me!

Some lovely folks over at planet airwaves recently contacted me and asked about linking to one of my posts from their site.  Um.  Yes please.  How flattering.  I love when people read and it’s a treat that they wanted to share the post.  It was the one about the Myself Party at the center, and you can see their post of it here http://planetwaves.net/news/.  It was posted August 9, 2014.  

I love the comments and discussion and that they seem to run the gamut from people who liked it to maybe sort of hated it and had opinions about it.  The only thing better than getting to hear that someone read it is that someone had an opinion about it.  🙂