Starting the NEW blog

 

Some years ago we started asking ourselves questions. Does monogamy actually work for us? What does it mean if we want to touch other people? Have sex with other people? Have relationships or even love for more than one person?  Would having an orgasm with someone somehow erase what I have with this other person? Would it really?

Could I have sex with others?  Could people I care about have sex with others and we’d still be us?  What if I loved more than one person? At the time I was married, and swinging appealed to me. I had wanted to be a swinger pretty much since I’d learned about what it was. My husband at the time and I discussed it. He was interested at first, but quickly realized he would rather have relationships with others, and we learned about and became poly. And well.. I’m not going to lie. For a lot of reasons, not all of them polyamory, my marriage exploded.

But I was here and I was still poly. I had the capacity and interest in relationships with more than one person at a time. And over the years I had these polyamorous relationships. The most people I was ever dating at once was four, and I do not recommend it. It’s exhausting and basically I was always disappointing somebody.

I read and read and blogged and blogged and lived and talked and tried, and found that hierarchies weren’t for me. I didn’t like primaries and secondaries and never did. Even my husband and I when we first opened up felt that this wouldn’t work for us.  This doesn’t mean that my existing relationships and long term loves don’t have priority with me or that they don’t matter. I am very into honoring commitments and the investment of love and time and experience.  But I liked anyone I dated to be a whole person and to not be arbitrarily forever limited, no matter what, because someone met someone first. This is long and hard to explain. We’ll come back to it.

So.. I’ve been polyamorous for 5 years. And over the years I’ve had occasion to explore, my sexuality, life and all kinds of things. I’ve discovered I’m still interested in swinging and joined a club. I’ve also discovered I’m kinky, and explored that a little bit too. And over time I just kinda discovered that I didnt’ need and didn’t fit super neatly into any tiny box.

Like most humans, I’m complicated. I’m guessing so are you.

So finding myself at need to create a new blog for a variety of reasons I thought about the next chapter. What did I want to write? It wasn’t going to be just a blog on polyamory. And it wasn’t a blog just on swinging. Or a blog even just on dating.

Love, Sex and Relationships have always interested me and are fodder for an infinite stream of thought. It’s also a stream for profound connection and I’ve made so many friends here on this journey of ethical non-monogamy, of honest open relating. And it occurred to me this new little blog could be something else.

I could have blogs on all of these open sex and love and relationships, and could invite a friend to contribute here and there too. We could have interviews and podcasts and links. In non-monogamy, in so many ways we are all defining for ourselves what any of these words and labels mean, and how they fit us, if at all.  And we’re the architects of the connections we are creating. And that’s beautiful but it’s scary and difficult too. And I learn a lot from my friends, and hope you do too.

There’s a weird thing that happens when we start asking ourselves all of these questions. We find and create the love and sex and relationships we crave, and we walk off of the path that doing things the way we were told to creates.  I have found the blogger community so informative and supportive. Starting this new broader blog, I hope that continues.

However you got here and whatever brings you, welcome. I hope to hear from you in comments or emails or on facebook or twitter or any of the other places.

I’m so excited at this next chapter. Here’s to open love and sex and relationships. Here’s to new blogs.

– Thanks for reading!

Holly

Slaughtering the Goat

goat happy

from blogs.discovermagazine.com

I had plans to have hot sexy times today with the new guy, Diesel.  He got back from Alaska early and asked if I could meet up Wednesday.  I actually could have, but I had just started my period that day.  I love period sex.  Don’t get me wrong.  But.. this would be like the 3rd time we’ve slept together and the first day of my period.

Girls, is it just me or is that the worst time?

I like period sex actually and know many women who do.  I’m more sensitive at that time and everything feels so much more.. more.  BUT… I also squirt and occasionally gush when I cum.  And Diesel makes me GUSH.  It’s a little insane.  I drink glasses and glasses of water during our sessions so far and I gush oodles and oodles of times.  He seems to like marathon sessions.  (which I love.  I love great one-timers too).   Continue reading

Where I'm Standing

I’m in the last week of my first quarter of grad school and I’ll warn you that I don’t have the bandwidth to edit this much, and probably shouldn’t even write it.  School is owning my reading and writing these days.  But I need to put stuff somewhere and get to bed.

I’ve felt wrung out much of the last few weeks, looking at the injustices and evil of things and learning so much about all the stuff I didn’t know and knowing I’ll never stop learning.  We got it wrong.

And I’m stressed and tired and a little too emotional because I don’t have the reserves now that I did.  It’s easy to boil over and sob in my car because I promised myself in the coffee shop that I’d cry about this stuff later.

And I thought it’d be nice to look a teeny bit at finding a friend for sexy fun times.  This was a HUGE error in judgement.  I woke up my OkCupid profile and my AFF and whatever else and met a sea of sickness.  Misogyny and entitlement and waves of bullshit meet you if you admit you’d maybe like a lower stress sexy fun friendship with someone.  No matter what I actually say there is a SEA of dudes that evidently see this as an open invite to cut and paste whatever horror they like to send women, complete with the 57000 dick pics they all have laying around for unsolicited viewing.  And they’re mad because this isn’t working.  “Why are those bitches on the internet who say they wanna fuck being such cunts about it?  They write articles about the terrible oppression of men dating online. Continue reading

Really? Really?

Ugh.  Dating is the fucking worst sometimes, isn’t it?

dating

I am feeling disheartened.  I really am.

I talked with this guy last night and had all this clicking all over the place.  He is smart and interesting and a good conversationalist.  I put out feelers for a nice casual friend for some adventures.

We talked late.  We talked so late I was late on a paper.  He just seemed.. kinda great.

So today we talked about meeting for a drink.  He was willing to come by my house and I made sure that he understood meeting by my apartment would not mean that there would be any sex, and that I hoped we’d have a drink and talk.

Hours of conversation.. all that talking about all kinds of things last night and this morning and then he cools.  He isn’t so into meeting.  I ask him about it and he says he’d rather not meet for a drink, and asks to meet at my place or his.  I say we don’t have to meet for a drink.  A coffee or a walk or a yogurt or something are fine.

More foot dragging.  Talk about it again and he explains that if I’m uncomfortable we can meet in public, but he’s met people from online before without the meet and greet and it was fun for all and not all about the sex.

I tell him I understand that not everyone does things the way I do, but I would like to meet and just talk without expectation.  When I have met people from online I had oodles of sexy talk with, often the click isn’t there and for me sometimes that is because I feel like there is an obligation or expectation and it’s just better for me and sexier to meet without expectation and let things take their course.dating2

He was rather petulant about it, and we thanked each other for the time.  Just like that.

So odd.  Why would you talk to a woman for hours and hours and then refuse to meet her for a drink if she would not promise sex immediately?   Wouldn’t it have just been smart to go, have a drink, chit chat and end the meeting with a kiss and maybe plans to play next time?  In the best case scenario you meet just for a drink, hit it off and end up together that night, right?  So weird.

What the fuck dating world?

I think I’m going to take up knitting or something instead or join a cribbage league or something.

You and I both know I’ll change my mind.  But right now I’m thinking.. fuck dating.  What a bunch of bullshit.

 

cat lady

Pleading

It’s strangely hard sometimes to find a good lover.  The emphasis here is on *good*.

I’ve had a little string on failed to launch associations and some incredible luck that made it not sting very much.

Traveler and I are still playing with our friend Yarn Hooker, and we had a little State of the Union the other night that left me very very grateful.  We’ve all been playing a while now and had what I would call amazing fun sexy times.  But I like her and I had this worry come up.  It makes me crazy when married poly guys want to date me and say they are poly but have these primary structures making anything like an actual relationship pretty hard.  I like casual sex and play friends and I like dating and being open to love.  What I don’t like is people wanting all the benefits of being a boyfriend with none of the commitment.  I won’t get on that soap box right now, but suffice it to say I’m about sick to fucking death of it.

So, then.. am I being an asshole with Yarn Hooker?  She’s a smart, beautiful, sexy, talented woman.  I like her.  Traveler likes her.  She seems to like us.  Things are going swimmingly.  But.. but.. are they?  I started to wonder.  So I asked. Continue reading

Take a Leap

There are reports out now that Gonorrhea is on the rise in Washington (and everywhere else).  It’s up 40% here, health officials at the Washington Dept of Heath report.

Eek.

A woman in a full body black rubber suit

A woman in a full body black rubber suit

Gonorrhea is the second most common STI in Washington, after Chlamydia.  The hardest hit demographic is young adults.  The rise is attributed to not using condoms and using them improperly, and the prevalence of unprotected oral sex.

So.. am I gonna stop having sex?  Uh. No.

There are two big errors of thinking that occur with something like this statistic.  One is that we all want to think that the bad things only happen to other people. “I’m 33 and that doesn’t apply to me” and “I was tested last year and so was my partner and we are good”, “I only sleep with educated white people” or “I’m in the NSPP and we are all poly and all safe”.  This is all NONSENSE.

Another main error is the thinking that we are immune because we take this or that safety measure.  “I use condoms with new partners” or “I ask people if they are tested” or “I go on a few dates with someone before anything happens and we always have ‘the chat'”.  This is also NONSENSE.  These are good things to do but they don’t equal immunity.  If you have sex you are taking a risk.

Continue reading

I Don't Know

There are so many things that I don’t know.  I know I had an insanely hot loving close intimate fun weekend.  There were trips to the sex shop for more gear, delicious breakfast casseroles and cookouts, leather cuffs, so much snuggling, petting, great talks about everything, beautiful nights, insanely hot times with just Traveler and I, and then Traveler and I and our new friend Yarn Hooker, and with a new guy I haven’t named yet.  There was wine tasting and homemade pie, games with friends, old friends playing putt putt and laughing over pizza, and a lazy morning just like we like.  There was something in the air this weekend!  I will be enjoying memories of this weekend for some time to come.

tarot cardsAnd my friend sent me messages yesterday, expressing joy at his partner finding a great new prospect and a tiny bit of trepidation.  What if she likes him better?  What if she only needs the new man?  What if he makes her forget my friend?  He went online to read blogs and found some, all ending with divorce.  Not very encouraging.

I told him honestly that sometimes this life is bitter hard. Relationships USUALLY end before death.  This is true in monogamy and in polyamory and in every other kind of ‘amory too.  How many people do you know that are blissfully coupled with the only person they’ve ever loved and they’ve been together and close and happy for life?  Chances are if you are lucky you can name maybe 5 couples.  That’s 5 couples out of the hundreds or thousands of couples you have known.  It’s not like monogamous relationships are paragons of stability either.  But with the fluid nature of open relationship networks, things do have more opportunity for change, and that really points out the unstable nature of romantic relationships. Continue reading