Man. I’m a nostalgic mf’er these last couple of days. I made it past my old anniversary without thinking of it. Part of it is that I’m not really paying attention to the date, what with being on summer break. Part of it is that I think it FINALLY settled. I don’t feel the strong hurt I felt around my divorce, and the way my ex acted. I don’t worry about him as much. I even sort of accept my daughters not being in my life. It sucked. Of course it sucked. But it is what it is. It’s sad that it ended the way it did, and sad that my ex was that person.
But.. I’m okay, and I’ve been okay for a long time now. The wounds are old. I’m not saying they’re perfect, but they don’t sting. A few weeks ago I teared up in the kitchen with Quinky and Traveler. A song Evan loved came on and I hadn’t heard it since we’d parted and I teared up. I realized it was the first time in a long time that I’d teared up about him. I teared up more maybe because it was a moment when I remembered how much we loved each other, dancing in the kitchen. I don’t really think about him much, and I don’t think about how we were really at all these days. I’ve fallen in love again, and I’m a lot happier most of the time. I love my ex because it’s the way I am built. But it doesn’t hurt anymore. It’s more just that I hope he’s happy.
I think it’s healthy sometimes when long deep loves change. In monogamy we stay because of duty, and security, and comfort. In poly sometimes we don’t acknowledge a relationship that isn’t whole. It can hobble along indefinitely because nobody has to be EVERYTHING to anybody, but really because it can be a crutch for not looking at how we love and are loved by THIS one person and how it’s not a whole or functional relationship. Other people fill serious gaps. Continue reading