Harder and Harder

It gets harder and harder to be without you for a day or a few days or a week.  Some funny thing will happen in my day, or I’ll want to tell you something.  Sometimes I send a text but usually I don’t.  I know your time with them is important and precious, just as your time with me is.  We try not to intrude on your time with each other, and so usually I wait.  I’ll see you tomorrow or the day after that, and I’ll tell you all the funny things and the news then.  But I miss her too, so sometimes I text her, not every time I want to or every time I miss her either, because her attention needs to be with you too.

It gets harder to not have you here and I know it’s harder on you, missing that home when you are here and this home when you are there.  Nobody tells you when you’re entering poly how much time you’ll spend missing people.  But they also don’t tell you that it’s a little easier when you think of this family you have made being happy.

When I think of you being loved as you should be… when I think of you happy and cared for and cherished, the ache is less.  I’m happier then, thinking of you happy and loved.  But I still kinda wish there were a few more of you to go around.

Being Flexible

In any relationship a little flexibility is good.  And no.. I don’t mean putting your legs behind you head.  😀 I’m actually not super flexible that way.  But I have my talents.  😉 ImageFlexibility and adaptability help us navigate change and change is inevitable.  Relationships grow and morph and change over time.  People grow and morph and change.  I was looking for a topic this morning and Traveler came up with it.  We’re sitting on my living room floor and he’s reading forums and I’m writing because World of Warcraft is down.  There went our lazy Saturday morning plans.  The thing really is this; I don’t care.  I would like to play WoW, and I’m mildly disappointed, but honestly I don’t care what we do.  I just like spending time.  We had a delicious breakfast (If I do say so myself) and I like sitting here digesting and relaxing together.


Flexibility and adaptability come up in a variety of ways in relationships.  Currently, Cleveland and I are navigating that place you get to when the romantic bits give way to the real bits.  We’re still plenty romantic, but we’re starting to also be REAL.  You know that place you get to after about 6-9 months?  Yeah.  We’re there.  He has some very definite ideas of how things should be done sometimes.  He’s read and watched a lot of food science things and as I was making him a beef stir-fry he was telling me all the ways that it SHOULD be done.  We, my dears, are going to have a problem.  I don’t like to be criticized.  I like helpful tips and advice, especially if they are not presented as the “right way” or “only way”.  I love learning.  I do not enjoy someone saying “Oh no no no.. it’s supposed to be done like this”.  I’ve worked long and hard to be better at receiving feedback, but I’m not the best.  Cleveland also has a shortcoming.  He has a lot of opinions and thoughts about how things should be done and he’s becoming more comfortable sharing them.  Ruh-oh.  I pretty much told him I wasn’t going to cook for him if he keeps it up.  I think I need to watch him cook.  He also informed me that I wasn’t shifting soon enough.  Ruh-oh.. run-oh.  Can you see that we’re both going to learn a lot, or this is going to be a mess?  Relationships challenge and stretch us sometimes and I can see that this might be part of the lesson this relationship has to teach us.

Because the thing is.. it’s great to learn from the wisdom of others, and it’s good to try things in new ways, because this is how innovations and inventions happen.  I can’t be so rigid I think my way is THE right way.  I have to be open to the ways of others.

ImageAlso with flexibility in relationships, scheduling is a lot easier.  Things have grown with Traveler.  We’ve enjoyed some extra time here lately and we talked about it last night.  One day a week simply doesn’t cut it anymore.  We need more.  And more has been happening and can keep happening if we’re a little flexible.  It helps us to plan so that he can see me and Quinky Girl and so I can see Cleveland and so Quinky Girl can be available to Jonah (her boyfriend).  If we’re too set, we can’t take advantage of that evening here and there and that little dinner or little time in WoW.  And as it turns out, we both crave that.  Yay!


Being a little malleable here gives me a lot more of what I crave.. time with my loves.  I get to see more of Traveler and Cleveland and Quinky Girl.  On Traveler’s and my dates this week we got to be a little creative and see Quinky Girl too for a bit.  Wednesday she cooked for everyone (yum) and then Traveler and I had our date and she went out with Jonah.  Friday he and I worked in the yard, removing the bush that smells like cum from next to their porch.  And yes, it really does smell like cum.  Heh.  We enjoyed the sun and some time together and wooded with triumph when we got that damn bush/tree out.  Quinky Girl came home and we all just talked and chilled on the porch, enjoying the lack of cum smell and a nice cold beer as we surveyed the light on the water and the beautiful patch of empty dirt.  We had no specific plans and it was nice to take advantage of some time to have a fun conversation about politics, sex, life, work and all kinds of junk.


Later last night, Traveler and I enjoyed the London Broil I’d marinated and some Greek avgolemeno potatoes.  Uh.. yum.  It was a quiet evening after a busy week, lots of cuddling and petting and a nice long talk.  He kinda opened up and I’m such a girl that it’s maybe my favorite thing he’s done in a while.  We just did whatever, and it was perfect.  Sex that is better and better and so much affection I purr, and it’s just a quiet little friday night.  Perfect. Thank Traveler for the topic.  Now.. what to do since WoW is down?  Hmmmm….. Image

Back to Life, Back to Reality

“back to life, back to reality
back to the here and now yeah
show me how decide what you want from me
tell me maybe i could be there for you
how ever do you want me how
how ever do you need me

show me how decide what you want from me
tell me maybe i could be there for you”   Soul II Soul.

It is finally the end of the dread December.  Traveler and his wife are home.  Cleveland and his wife are home.  Boss is enjoying some excellent time alone with his sweetie and not able to make a date yet, but soon.  The couple I befriended and miss dearly are nearly home.  My Canadian friends (Texdom and Fishnet) are home.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..  I’m so glad December is almost over.  December has made me really grateful for my normal life.  December made me very hungry for time, for affection, and for the sweet ministrations of my loves.

Why is December such a cluster?!?!?  Anyway.. it’s the salad days of catching up.  Continue reading

He Went There With Me

**Hey there reader.  This one is about a wonderful date and includes some descriptive talk of a date and sex with Traveler.  Just helping you make informed decisions.  M’kay?**

toy suitcaseTraveler and I had a date last night.  It was to be our only date in a three week period because of traveling schedules not aligning.  Damn you December.  I’ve been missing him something fierce.  It was really hard to be in Chicago and come home knowing we were kinda slapping hands midair as I flew home and he flew out.  I found myself pining for him.  Traveler’s wife was a total fucking gem and invited me over before she and I were to go out to have yummy dinner together and give me a chance to kiss Traveler really quick when he got home and before he went on his date with Peaches Friday night.  I got to see him and get a few hugs and kisses and we sent him off.  She and I had the loveliest evening as we ate her delicious stuffed squash and hit this magical cocktail bar in Capitol Hill.  There’s something fucking awesome about dishing with your gals.

So with Traveler, it was hard to wait till he got here for our date on Sunday.  I had the house completely to myself for the evening, a lovely rarity.  He had to take care of some things at home and I was itching for him to get here.  I greeted him at the door all gussied up in thigh-highs, garters, fuck me pumps, a verrrrrrry short school-girl skirt, an unbuttoned sweater, and lacy unmentionables.  He was very appreciative.  I kissed and hugged and squeezed him so tight and he ran to shower quickly.  toy shoesI poured the wine and met him with candles and music and pet his warm fresh skin.  We lay on the bed together and caught up a little.  I gave him a heads up about the bruises he would find.  He seemed amused and happy for me, and asked me to tell him about it, so I did.  He smiled and laughed with me, with my embarrassment and joy, as I told him about my night with Boss.  When I was done, he kissed me deeply as he teased me, with me still clothed in my little outfit.  I asked him if he was trying to make me cum because he had me so close, and he said naughtily “maybe…”.  I came a few times before I could even get my outfit off.  I don’t know what got into him!

We put down a towel, because it was clear he’d make me make a mess.  Um.  Yes please.  He proceeded teasing and tantalizing me, touching me and playing and exploring with me in all the ways he knows I love, from the sweet to the intense, and I came and came and came, surprised at him. toy leia I asked him, between his ministrations, what had gotten into him and he said “this is what you hoped for with that outfit, isn’t it?”.  Well, no.  I’d just hoped for some yummy passionate sex.  I hadn’t dreamed he’d play me like a fiddle!  I told him I’d wear ANYTHING HE WANTS.  I was already a puddle of sweat and flood and tingling nerves when he finally fucked me, so deep and lingering and so well.  I was jelly by the time we finished.  My nerves were singing too loudly to work well together any more.  We held each other and shook and kissed for a while.

Our starvation took over after a while and I made him dinner and we talked about all kinds of things.  It was a good conversation, clearing the air.

toy dinner

And then the most miraculous thing happened.  We were washing dishes and kibitzing.  He said he thought Boss had been to his OKCupid and I showed him Boss’s pic.  (They are both straight.  I am assuming this is curiosity).  He asked about Boss’s “situation” and I told him the layout as I knew it of Boss’s relationships.  I mentioned that the members of Boss’s house have their own rooms but tend to stay with each other, and he said he’d like that.  I held my breath as he explained that if he had the money he thought it’d be nice if he and the people he lived with could each have their own rooms, and then have a room that is just for the people in the house.. kind of a sacred space.  He talked about his thoughts for that room.  There was something about him talking about “the people” he’d live with that touched me.  Currently he lives only with his wife.  He has mentioned in the past that they’ve talked about the possibility of cohabitation with others, and he and I have talked about things like the realm of possibility for our relationship, but he was talking about what he’d like with the people he was going to live with and talking about the thoughts he had about how they’d do it.  It sounded like something that would happen, even if the details were still totally open.  I said “Don’t be scared, but it makes me really happy that you are talking about this”.

He smiled and kept washing.  He said it was obviously something he thinks about with me, living together and being a family.  He said he thought it made sense for us to live together not just for romantic reasons, though of course there are lots of those.  He told me a few.  He said, “you know there are good practical reasons for us to live together too, and to be a family”, and he told me some of those too.  I must have looked like kid on Christmas morning.  I was overjoyed.

homeI don’t want to get married again, but I would like to be a family, when I’ve had more time to heal, to have the people that I care about and that care about me together in some way.  Traveler’s wife and I have talked about our tribe and our people.  It was just so nice to hear Traveler talking about our little family too, and that he included me in it.  We were talking about things that are far away and we weren’t making any decisions or plans, obviously, but it was  such a heartening thing to hear my sweet man talking in a concrete way about these things with me.  I had been grasping my dishtowel, listening, and went to him and hugged him hard from behind.

We weren’t making promises or saying how it would look, but we were saying openly that we wanted it.  It wasn’t abstract.  He was talking about me and I was talking about him and we were acknowledging the family we are making and talking about little dreams we might have about it.  He was braver or bolder than I am and I’m really grateful.  I like the idea of some day.  I love that he went there.

I’m getting to see him Tuesday too after a work thing.  It won’t be a big old date, and will likely be 20 mins of snuggling followed by sleeping in his arms, but I WILL TAKE IT.  Happy.  Just happy.

Black and Blue


**I thought this posted yesterday, but it actually saved as a draft, so today will be a two-fer.  Just a heads up too.. skip if graphic talk of sex and kink with Boss would be unwelcome.  Thanks!**

First a few little housekeeping details… I saw Rollergirl last night for the Roller Derby meet and we had a nice visit.  She and my ex Hubby have broken up.  I knew this was coming.  They have both told me they wanted to break up with the other for weeks now.  They like and care about each other and there were lots of good things, but there was lots of bad too on both sides and their being together was just really unhealthy.  They had reasons that were more about now and reasons that were more about incompatibility, but I still think it was hard.  I thought it would take longer than it did. I feel the tiniest bit vindicated somehow, but I really do feel bad for both of them.  I think it’s healthy and they both seem to think it’s healthy too that they broke up, but endings aren’t fun and despite it all I still love them and therefore don’t wish them to be unhappy.  Hubby and I divorcing, RollerGirl and I broken up, and Hubby and Rollergirl finally breaking up with each other is a sucky end.   It is what it is.  I hope some day he’ll be better.  I hope RollerGirl and I are too.  There are lots of good things I miss about him as a person, and it’d be nice to be friends.  You never know.  Someday…

But on to better things.  I went to the black and blue party last night with Boss.  It was a bunch of firsts for me.

I’ve never been to the black and blue party, though I have wanted to go.  I love impact play.  By impact play I mean being spanked and flogged and hit with things.  We met beforehand at this amazing little neighborhood place called Essex.  They have ridiculously good drinks and make a bunch of stuff there themselves.  So after a quick drink and some delicious cauliflower toasts we hit the club.

When we arrived people were already playing and there was some nice grindy blues on the sound system.  We greeted friends and got situated in the center of the play space.  I was excited and nervous.  I’ve been to a lot of events and had a few dabblings, but this was my first time playing playing with Boss and my first time really playing at the club.  Boss opened his bag and explored things with me, and it was my first time with some of that stuff too.

whipHe had a few single tale whips, which excited and scared me.  I like the idea of some delicious pain, but I didn’t know if I was ready for straight up whipping.. turns out I needn’t have worried.  He had canes and a loop fabric thing with a handle and metal shot filling, and paint stir-sticks and gags.  He had me ask for what I wanted, which I was slightly ready for since he’d told me he would.  I wanted all of it, except maybe the gags, and I managed to pick a few things.  It’s uncomfortable to ask for what I want.  I have this especially with kink, where I feel like I’m asking him to do a lot of work to please me and I’m not totally clear that it’s not a selfish wish of mine.  I have the same difficulty asking people to eat my pussy or give me a back rub or whatever.  I don’t want to ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do.

We got set up and he said “take off whatever you are comfortable taking off”.  Oh man.  I asked him to kiss me.  He did.. a little… and said I’d get more when I took more off.  Oi Vey.  I took off my pants.. kiss kiss.  I took off my shirt.. kiss kiss kiss.  And he pulled me to him and kissed me deeply and pushed himself against me as he unhooked and removed my bra.  Sizzle. bra unhook

We began to play, so slowly and lightly at first.  We kissed here and there and had intense eye contact as he lightly cropped me.. here and there.. dancing on my skin.. warming.  We started with me facing him, facing out into the room, and I was very cognizant of the people watching and of my nakedness at first.  It was a delicious fear.  It excited me to be watched, to watch him, to gauge his facial expressions and briefly flick my attention to the crowd here and there until the sensations increased and I forgot they were present.  My body warmed and my skin sang and I got wetter and wetter as he teased me and tantalized me and built…so.. very… slowly.

He surprised me too in these little fits, when he pressed himself against me, kissed me, and when we let me reach and stroke his cock.  He smiled and gave me a sort of low laugh as I squeezed him, pleased.  He kept it fairly light, since it was our first time together and I’m still so new, but he left me some excellent reminders.  I’m guessing he’s working up.  It’s a good plan.

grabbing sheetI’m a little sore, and I’m bruised fairly well on my breasts and thighs from the cane, but I like it.  It’s a little delicacy to have flashes back to last night.  His hands, him grinding against me, the thud and sting and snap, and his taste come to me in little bursts.  I like to be reminded of the lick of his whip and of grasping the bed with my white knuckles while I flooded, and the pounding grinding aching delight of the back room.  I like the smile I get thinking of making him tingle with my fingertips on his skin and of the warmth of wrapping myself around him after, not wanting to let go and not feeling like I had to.

Cleveland asked me already how last night went because he was so compersive and felt such joy at the idea of me having naughty fun.  It’s a rare treat to get to enjoy his pleasure at my pleasure.  I think I’m starting to believe he really isn’t going to be mean or spiteful or accusatory.  I’m starting to get that he really might be okay, and that if he ever isn’t, maybe he’ll talk to me about it like a human being and we’ll work it out.

I don’t know what Traveler will say about the marks.  We have a date tonight.  He surprises me all the time, but he’s usually so supportive of the exploits of me and his wife and Peaches.  A few times when I’ve had a bruise here or there he’s guessed its origin, smiled, and said something like “very nice” before he fucked me silly.  I don’t know if it’s just that he knows how I feel about him and how he rocks me and therefore he doesn’t have cause for insecurity or that he’s just so happy with what makes the women he is with happy that it doesn’t matter, or maybe even just that he’s used to how well things run so well with him and his wife, but generally I feel like he’s in my corner and he celebrates whatever my successes are.  If he shocks me and needs reassurance or love or whatever I’ll give it gladly.

Ah, but it’s time to get ready.  Time to go shower and enjoy the view of my delicious reminders.  🙂

The single life

****edited***** the original was full of typos and kinda made me nuts, so I edited it.

It’s been about a month that Hubby and I have been separated.  It’s kinda odd, but most of the time I don’t really mind being single.  I kind of like it.  I feared this for so long, life without Hubby, but honestly it’s not much different.  He ceased being a partner to me before we split.  I mean honestly.. when my patient hung himself and I came home and cried Hubby just sat there flipping the pages of a magazine.  When I had my motorcycle accident he came to the hospital and was rude and kinda mean.  It was the realization I was coming to when he said he’d replaced me with RollerGirl and that he wanted a divorce- I was afraid to not have a partner, but I was already didn’t have a partner.

I remember the first night we opened up and I had sex with kinky boy.  The sex honestly was pretty awesome, but I have to admit that the holding was the part that really wowed me.  Kinky boy held me and didn’t seem to want to get away or stop or fall asleep or leave.  He just seemed to want to hold me and he held me more that night than Hubby had in a year.  He held me and kissed me and cherished me.  He liked me holding him.  Hubby was very affectionate when we first got together and then one day just stopped.  It was a thing I’d complained about for years.  There’s always those little things in a relationship, but it really took a toll, always feeling like a burden for wanting hugs or kisses or snuggles.  So, I miss Hubby, but I miss the Hubby I haven’t had in a long time and it’s not fresh and painful.  But single life still has drawbacks. Continue reading

The Light Side

I want to talk about the light side.  I’ve written a lot of angsty dramatic drama-llama stuff lately.  Hey.. the dissolution of a 13 year relationship is a little hard.  This week especially has been difficult.  Oddly enough, the actual “we are over” part has not been as bad as I feared.  I’m actually pretty okay.  It’s been a relief.  All the pressure and misery is lifted.  I come home and people are consistent and pleasant.  Nobody hates me or yells at me or stomps around angrily.  (He just called as I was writing and ended up yelling and screaming at me.   Whatever.)

A n y w a y, the lighter stuff.

Yesterday was a tough day.  Hubby and I had talked about a list of stuff I would be taking, and he talked about “why?”.  He said he’d replaced me because I was such a slut I’d made him feel unsafe.  He’d taken away his love.  RollerGirl had been willing to make commitments to him that I hadn’t at the time and that made him feel safe.  (Namely we’d opened our marriage and agreed to date others and she’d agreed to see only him for a while.)  He said he was also realizing he wanted more kids.  He would like to raise a family with someone he loves and I cannot have children after our 3 miscarriages.  RollerGirl can have children and has a young child now that Hubby is crazy about.  It was the most tender of my tender spots.

It was kind of a sucker punch.  I’m a slut and he wants a family that I can’t give him.  At least I finally understood why.  I can’t give him a family and my sexuality made him feel unsafe.  Okay.  Time to move on.



I took my tender feelers out to dinner with the girls.  We’d planned it a week and a half ago and I was glad we had.  We talked only briefly about my junk and then moved on to better things.  We laughed our asses off, talking about dating and life.  Traveler’s wife, his girlfriend Peaches and I just enjoyed the night.  We ate good food and commiserated.  We dished.  It was one of the worst days of my life and my face hurt from laughing and my muscles had the relief only a good orgasm or evening laughing can give you. Continue reading