Coming Out Sideways

If you don’t deal with feelings they don’t come out the regular way and instead burst a hole to the side, creating a lot more wreckage.

I’ve heard people say they never get jealous and you know.. I don’t usually like to be so harsh.. but fuck you and your self righteous bullshit. I know, I know. I’ll probably get emails or messages about how “no.. I am a special and unique human being and I never get jealous. I might be insecure at times, or something far less stigmatized than jealousy, but I don’t get jealous”.

The people I have really known who say things like this tend to have a jealousy problem. It’s like people saying they hate drama. Drama creators are usually the people you hear vocally spewing about hating all these people with all this drama. They whip everyone around them into drama filled scenes and then moan about the drama, never owning that they draw it to themselves. You can’t stop being a drama llama if you think the drama is always everyone else. I know that I am the maker of most of the drama in my life, either directly or indirectly playing my part, and that’s the first stop toward unraveling drama.

Jealousy is much the same. I don’t care how evolved you are. You will feel jealous at times and if you own it, understand it and will look at it, you won’t stomp over the tender hearts of all in your midst as you passively aggressively exert your desire for control and relief from your jealousy.

We can plan out too, and think how okay things are, only to find these ugly little surprises. All of a sudden we’ll have this thought, or this fear, and that is okay if we can deal with it directly and maturely.

Most of the time I really love watching Traveler fuck a woman we are with. I love seeing his passion from another side. I love knowing how she feels. I love watching their pleasure. It’s hot. But of course I’ve had little moments. I will have more I am sure. Once when it happened I realized it was me pulling away and got back in there and helped. What is NOT okay would be bursting into tears and slamming the door as I storm out in an emotional explosion. It’s okay if later I need to curl up and ask for extra kisses or need to talk about my feelings with my partner or a friend.

In poly I see it often as people display their jealousy by getting territorial or reactive and emotional or withdrawn. Sometimes it involves a lot of insecurity, and sometimes people hide from their jealousy and say they are just a little insecure for a moment.  They do little meddling things to fuck with each other. They keep score. They try to exert control in the other relationship. They get petty. They try to make sure they are given better or best or more. They try to limit others, or sabotage even. I have seen it over and over. It’s corrosive when ignored and even more so when denied, and for what? Foolish pride?

Jealousy is not inherently bad. It can be used as a healthy signal for self-examination and a sign that there is a need to be met. I hate the bad rep jealousy gets because it isn’t all bad and it can be a really helpful and healthy reminder.

But I’m telling you… jealousy is a dirty bomb when allowed to explode. Get it out, or it’s coming out sideways.  Just sayin’

 

People Lie

Sometimes people tell themselves things.

I posted a rather stupid comment on my grown daughter’s Facebook page that implied something I honestly hadn’t meant.  I was trying to be funny and failed.  The dog walker jumped on there and called me out and said something to the effect of “shame on you.  (Ex-hubby) and (daughter) are father and daughter!”  I replied that it wasn’t her business and that I knew they were father and daughter since I helped raise my daughter since she was 7.  But I realized my comment was kinda stupid and apologized to my ex and my daughter and deleted it.

The dog walker sent a message to me saying it was her business because my daughter is her family and my ex and my daughter belong to her now.  Um. Okay.  Like they are cows.  It’s not like I think my ex is mine at all, in any shape or form.  I get that my daughter is also becoming the dog walker’s family.  This is natural.  They are in each other’s lives daily and likely care a great deal about each other.  More people loving and treating my daughter well is awesome in my book.  My daughter becoming family is awesome, but it doesn’t make her any less my family too.  And as I said here many times, I genuinely liked the dog walker.  I think she’s a good fit for The ex and she was always really nice.  I’m honestly not sure what beef she could have with me.  I never talk to her, have no dealings with her, talk to my ex (her boyfriend) hardly ever, and have never said a negative thing about her.  I’m a grown-up.  She was always amazing with my pets, and seemed like a genuinely nice person.

pinocchio

Image of pinocchio from stevemehta.com

So, here’s the thing that puzzled me with this.  When she sent her irate message, she started it with “your cheating is out in the open now”.  Um.. yeah.  I’d say me having sex outside my marriage is pretty fucking well documented.  I’ve been writing a blog about it for 3 years now and it has gotten over 120,000 hits and has 750 or so regular prescribers.  I am out to pretty much everyone.  My husband and I told our families we were open.  Even a few people at my work know.  It’s not a secret.  I had sex with others.

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Lust and Marriage

flyer for Lust and Marriage by Dance Naked Productions

flyer for Lust and Marriage by Dance Naked Productions

I went to a play last night in Seattle, at the Theatre off of Jackson.  It was called “Lust and Marriage”.  If you can, you must run to this play.  It was phenominal!  It is showing there tonight, and tomorrow and then Thursday, Friday and Saturday of next weekend too.  It is put on by Dance Naked Productions, by Eleanor O’Brien.  June 14th is the last day.

Eleanor, I hope I can call her that after she kinda bared her sex and love and relationship soul out there, put on an amazing performance.  I laughed sooo much, and I cried too a little.  It was the story of lust, desire, sex, relationships, dating, hope, heartache, jealousy, acceptance, commitment, open relationships, polyamory, freedom and love.  And it was fucking RIVETING.

It was 90 minutes long with no break and it felt like 20.  It felt like she was telling my story.  It felt like she was telling everyone’s story.  There’s this magic that happens when someone is being so real that it just sparks on the real in others.  Our heart knows when something came from the heart.  So it was like that, so close to the bone.  It was hard to watch in parts because of this.  I knew and related to some really hard things.  But it was good too.  It was sort of wonderful to feel all of that gamut of stuff about love and sex and connection.  I laughed so much and only had that one spot to cry in, and while painful, that was good too.  She spun this kinda spell that good performances spin, and I was utterly enthralled.  So much to think about.

I say this with brutal honesty… if you are near Seattle at all, you need to run to this show.

A Great Divide

My roommate (that had a problem with hearing sex) and I had the rest of our talk yesterday.  Our other roomie joined in too.  To be honest I was dreading the talk.  The roomie with the complaint had said that she had figured out something about herself that would hopefully help me understand her and that she looked forward to resolving this because it was making it hard for her to study because she was so upset by this.  Not a auspicious start.

ImageI sort of figured she’d explain why she was not okay with hearing quiet sex and where would that leave us?  Once I understood why me having sex would upset her, what do I do with that?  Say “listen.. I hear that you have this feeling or thought or whatever but I’m going to have sex anyway so screw you”?  Or “gosh, now that I understand why you are so disturbed I will give up sex?  Or never have sex in our home?”  Not exactly great places to sit.  This is a pretty un-mendable rift, right?  Either she has to not feel something she feels or I have to give up sex?

It wasn’t as bad as all that, but it wasn’t awesome.  I ended up crying at one point.  She was trying to explain and kept saying “so many men” and “so much sex”.  She wasn’t trying to be shaming but it felt like shaming.  I started to feel that we were likely not going to be able to solve this and wondering what I would do for 8 months remaining on my lease or thinking of the prospect of moving.

train station rainI feel like my entire life was dumped out.  I lost everything and not just my husband.  I lost ready contact to my friends and all my routines.  I moved across the water and to a whole new life.  I lost everything.  I lost my deli and my gym and my trainer.  I lost my massages and my Saturday farmer’s market rituals and Sunday coffees at Blackbird.  I lost my teas and my favorite places and knowing where things are and having people to just meet for coffee.  I lost my cat, that sat on my chest and snuggled me and liked me best of all the humans in all of the world.  I lost my dog’s kisses and their sweet faces when I came home.

I am just starting to feel like I’m getting some of that back or I might some day.  I’m finally figuring out where stuff is in the grocery store or where to park my car and where on earth I can buy those bags you wash your bras in.  You know?  I was seeing my little fledgling life uprooting again.

old groceryIt also felt like something I could never explain to her and no way for me to be comfortable in my home and meet her expectations.  If she is expecting to sit 6 feet over my head and not be able to tell I am having sex I would fail.  I have already failed.  She said she has heard me a few times in the last couple of months and I was being quiet and playing music.  The night she texted was the night the music was on low and we were going to sleep before we had this beautiful connected sex.  We whispered!  I’d asked him what he wanted and he’d whispered that he wanted to feel me move on him.  We’d watched each others faces and kissed and kissed and kissed.  I was so full of love for him.  When I could no longer keep my eyes open from the pleasure of him, I’d whispered in his ear how much I loved him and how good he felt and he’d whispered in mine too.  It was so warm and sweet and passionate and loving.  She heard our ragged breathing and made the point that it wasn’t just that she could hear our breathing.  She knew it was “sex breathing”.  I’d argued that she could hear it if I did jumping jacks but she said “but I know it’s not jumping jacks!”.

passionate coupleI cried during the conversation with my roomie because I feel powerless about this and I hate that it’s about my sex.  I felt stupid crying.  I hate sitting there like a bad kid begging to be okay quietly loving a man I’m in love with.  I hate apologizing for my sex.  I hate feeling like what I am doing is bad or dirty or hurtful or too much.  It’s beautiful. I hate that it’s still so easy to make me feel bad for wanting what I want or loving what I love.  I hate that I am carrying around this thing that makes it so easy to hurt me by saying “too much”.  That’s an old old old old old wound I have done so much work on and healed so much.  I’m so tired of being yet another woman apologizing for being too sexual or too passionate or too loving or too loud or too wanting.  I’m so fucking tired of deeper and deeper layers in me to find and ferret out of the little girl who felt ashamed for not being the quiet and patient and demure little thing I should have been.

little girl rainWe came up with a plan, that I will play my music and be considerate – which is very reasonable.  And that I will tell her when I am having dates come to the house – which is honestly really odd, but something I’m willing to do.  I asked her to consider wearing headphones or playing the TV louder and she kind of agreed and trailed off with.. well.. when I’m studying….  I was left feeling like it was worth a shot but not very certain.  I was relieved that my other roommate kind of came to my defense a little or interjected some thought too.  She had remained pretty neutral in the discussion.  I love my home and where I live but I think the writing is likely on the wall.  What is the old saying?  Hope for the best but plan for the worst?

Hey.. at least I know where that next layer of that old stuff to work on is.  There’s that.

Not Like That

***I try not to edit the past or edit blogs for content if I later find them upsetting or embarrassing or whatever, but this time it wasn’t about me and that’s not okay. This post was edited because it contained information other people did not want shared and I have deleted their information. It is important that I am more careful with others info and I was not as careful as I should have been, so it was deleted.***

I like to have dreams about my sweeties, but not like that.

I had a dream last night that Traveler, Traveler’s wife, Peaches, Dragon and I were at a party. After a while we noticed Traveler and Dragon were gone and Traveler’s wife wanted to ask them something. We went looking and found Traveler and Dragon in the host’s big old tub in a sea of bubbles. They had champagne and looked smug to be caught together at the party. Traveler’s wife asked Traveler what the hell he was doing and Traveler said he was celebrating. He said he and Dragon were finally on the same page and that he would be moving to San Francisco with Dragon and they were planning to marry. Peaches and I put our arms around Traveler’s wife, who was shocked. I asked, what about us (meaning Traveler’s wife, Peaches and I)? Traveler laughed and Dragon did too, cruelly. Traveler said he was sorry to hurt his wife, but really.. what did I have to be upset about? “Oh, you didn’t think this was like.. really love, did you? Oh god. You did. Wow. That’s kinda pathetic”. And then he and Dragon laughed and laughed and laughed.

I went to Cleveland for some solace and he pulled away from hugging me when I shared the last line, about how Traveler was amused I thought he’d loved me, and Cleveland said “well he has a point. I mean.. oh.. wow… you really do think that we loved you. Um. Honey. That’s really sad. Of course we don’t LOVE you love you. God you’re needy.”

I woke up crying.

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My Answer and Best Wishes

I wrote the following to yet another post by Great Date (in part) about me.  I am not going to his blog, but people email me things he says and tell me what they think.  I am moving on and am not wishing to be enemies or friends to Great Date.  I don’t need emails about his facebook posts or blog posts, but I appreciate all of you looking out for me.  Here is what I commented on his latest “Why are exes never friends with me?” post.  I am friends with all but 3 of my exes.  One was Kinky Boy, who lost his mind.  One was Great Date, who I do not hate or wish ill but no longer wish to associate with, and one knocked me up when I was 15 and dumped me after thinking my pregnancy was “funny”. Continue reading