Standard Operating Procedure

When I was in the Army we had these written manuals for almost everything.  They were called SOP’s or Standard Operating Procedures.  They are the things that explain how everything runs.  Writing an SOP means asking yourself about all kinds of conditions and practices and really defining what you know and what you’ve learned to be the best way to do things.  You often revise them, especially if you learn something.  And I realized I have an SOP of sorts for dating.  I’m not new at this anymore and I’ve worked out a few things for me.

SOP circuit
It’s not that I think people would ever need to jump through hoops to date me.  It’s that I’ve just asked myself a lot of questions and I have found some answers now.  Part of that is being an adult for a while.  Part of that is being poly for a while.  Part of that is bitter experience and part of it is reading other’s wisdom, talking to people about what works for them, and thinking about things.  I’ve published 578 blog posts.  I’ve also written 48 drafts that I kept and trashed 3 blogs and made about 10 blog posts private.  That in no way makes me an expert on bupkiss, but it does mean I’ve been thinking.

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Alright already

One of the things I have tried to do here is being unflinchingly honest.  I try to tell the truth, maybe ESPECIALLY, about the things that I feel might make me look bad.  I accidentally found this to be a part of my niche in writing a blog.  So here goes.

I’m lonely once in a while.  It’s hard to be here sometimes and I don’t like it.  The price of loving someone who loves someone else is that they need to spend time with them.  Traveler and Quinky Girl need nights together.  Duh.  Generally this is awesome. I like some alone time in my week.  I can count on one hand the times Traveler and I have spent more than 3 nights a week together, and I can tell you each one was bliss.

But this is a thing us single poly’s can have that our married and cohabitating partners don’t.  I didn’t understand this when I was married and I don’t think a lot of partnered poly’s do.  Not really.

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Domestic Bliss

domestic bliss handsOne of the things a non-nesting partner often doesn’t have access to is all the little domestic things.  And one of the things I love about dating people who aren’t strictly hierarchical, and someone who is my partner, is that I get some of that.  One of the reasons I’m always saying Quinky Girl is a such a great metamour is that she includes me and we can plan together and work together.  There’s a lot of reasons, but this is one. Continue reading

One Legged Man- Ass Kicking

colors are loaded into a palm of a hand for Holi

colors are loaded into a palm of a hand for Holi

Holy fuck-balls people.  I overbooked myself.  My loves are overbooked.  My calendar looks like a sidewalk after an Indian Holi celebration (where they throw all the colors).  Traveler and I haven’t had a regular weekend date in a month.  And I’m not even getting the short end of the stick!  He and Quinky Girl are in a similar boat for the most part.

But seriously.  We haven’t had anything like dinner, an evening, and breakfast in a month.  We spent some time together on Sunday and it was the first day we’ve had in a long long time where we were just together, and even that we spent it working.  It was so fucking nice just to sit on a couch with him.

We’re seeing each other, sometimes 3 days a week.  But it’s including a lot of parties, Burning Man events, yard work, potlucks, group things and all-together-get-togethers.  If we didn’t all eat breakfast together sometimes neither Quinky or I would eat a breakfast with him each week.  Often we are cramming a bagel in our mouths as we hit the road.  It’s crazy.   Continue reading

Yarn Hooker

Traveler and I met up again with the sexy and smart girl we’d met once for drinks, and this one.. this one contains sexy times.

alyson hannigan sexy2We sent a follow-up email earlier that we’d loved meeting her and we’d like to ply her with some ping pong and take her home to play.  And she answered that she’d really like that too.

So we met for drinks, laughed a lot over ping pong, and took a trip back to his place.

When she sent the message that she was interested I’d nearly fallen over in glee.  Holy crap.  This girl is AWESOME.  Thank you Universe!  Thank  you Stars!  Oh holy dear world, yes.

So we met and it was fun and fairly easy.  There were awkward bits because it IS awkward to date as three people.  There was a little awkwardness trying to break the physical barrier to get to touch her.  But I did as I do and finally just said “Can I kiss you?”.  I like to do the direct awkward thing sometimes and hope it comes off as charming.

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No Tit for Tatty

It’s easy to get panties in a bunch when we are titting-for-tatting or feeling we aren’t getting the whole story.  It’s easy to create a rivalry that doesn’t exist if we make it seem like the unfair or unpleasant things come from someone else.  People start to feel like “hey, wait a minute”.. and our brains work to create problems that don’t exist because we humans are good at finding explanations for our feelings.

Old hats in a black and white pic hang on a hat stand from https://k0nsl.org/blog/k1/uploads/2013/08/tit_for_tat_k0nsl.jpg

Old hats in a black and white pic hang on a hat stand from https://k0nsl.org

For example: If you tell me that you are going out with someone and you are excited and like this and that and expect this to happen, and you go and have a good time and roughly the things you said would happen happen, I feel safe and included and informed and like I’m on the inside.  I am informed and feel no need to guess or create explanations for my feelings of uncertainty.  I know the facts.  I’m good.

If however, you try to spare my feelings by saying you’re going out with this person but you don’t know really if you feel like it and this person isn’t really all that appealing and nothing is gonna happen, and then you go out and things happen and you clearly are pretty nuts about them, I get scared.  You’re managing me.  You’re trying to downplay what you are feeling or what you want and it doesn’t match what you are telling me.  This makes me feel I can’t trust you and I am on the outside.  I feel scared and not included.  My brain works to explain the gap between what I am being told and what I am observing.  I feel unsafe.

Soooo many times when I communicate poorly I do this.  Continue reading

Tug of War?

We are officially not in the land of new relationships and it’s complicated sometimes.  Sometimes we do it very well and sometimes we fumble a bit and work to figure it out.  Traveler and I had a little fritzy-bit, nothing huge, but just a thing between the two of us and something we worked out.  And then another totally unrelated one a little after.  It seems simple at first, but it’s actually not.  I just wanna share how sometimes the answer isn’t a simple thing with one person right and one person wrong.

I was a little nervous about some new social engagements and Traveler very sweetly said he’d go to a couple of the things with me, one of which was Monday and one of which was coming up next weekend.  Then when we were planning our week this week he remembered and said that he’d come with me and said he’d like to come stay the night with me after.  I reminded him that Quinky Girl would be going too, and that was awesome.  We’d all go and he and he and I would come home together after. Cool.  I have to admit it’s nice to get to get the one he comes home with after a nice night where we all hung out.  It’s not a date but just a normal night and I get to have that too.  Kinda awesome and rad that such things aren’t just the domain of Traveler’s one partner.

That morning he asked me to pick up something for him for the potluck when I ran to the store.  He said to run it by Quinky to be sure we didn’t mess up whatever her plan was.  Excellent.  Good idea.  But I forgot to run it by her until the last minute and she was rushing out to get her things done and wasn’t able to coordinate with me.  She thought we’d all just all do our own thing but she didn’t know because I’d fucked up and not told her that Traveler had asked me to get stuff for him.  She and Traveler had worked out something after Traveler and I working out our thing that morning, but I didn’t know what.

Had she just told him what she was bringing and he still expected me to pick up what he’d asked me to, or had he talked about what he’d asked me to pick up and she was getting it now?  Or were they just doing something different?.  She was driving and couldn’t answer.  I was at the store and needed to make a decision.  Do I buy the stuff he thought he might want me to get but wasnt sure about or not?  I asked him.  He was at work and didn’t answer.  Shit.  I waited and the store and tried a little more but wasn’t able to reach anyone.  Okay.. no big deal.  I’d just buy what he’d asked me to and if we had too much or the wrong thing it’s not a big deal. Shrug.

Then he pops up and we make a plan.  He’ll be at my house by 645 to drop off his car and we’ll go back to his house to get Quinky since her dish would take a little more time.  Great.  I ran home and heated my meatballs fast.  I get ready super fast and end up waiting.  Around the time he’s supposed to be at my house he pops up again and says that Quinky’s dish is baking but will take a little longer and they’ll be ready at 730.  Um. Okay.  I ask “are you not coming here to drop off your car anymore?”  No answer.  Does he need to watch the oven?

He could still come here to drop off his car since the mushrooms will need almost an hour.  It’s 6:39 and he’s saying they’ll be done around 7:30.  I ask if he and Quinky are caravanning here then on the way to the potluck because he said he’d take the bridge and I live by it.  Are they dropping off his car later?  No answer.  I’m a little annoyed.  What happened to our plan?  Why is he not telling me anything?  I guess the plan changed.

I sat there waiting some more.

Two people made out of boxes engage in a tug of war.  From http://www.heritageradiott.com

Two people made out of boxes engage in a tug of war. From http://www.heritageradiott.com

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