The Cats Will Eat Me…

I really dislike my brain sometimes.  I woke up this morning with my brain churning a little.  I noticed it and realized what was happening.  Every now and then I start spinning about something.  I used to see Great Date do this, and it’s how I finally realized I did it too.

Sometimes it’s fear.  Sometimes I feel a little afraid and my mind casts about to understand my fear.  The house is not on fire.  The cats are okay.  Maybe I had a nightmare I don’t remember.  I don’t know, but my mind is an unkind place.  I cast doubts around about my worth.. my friendships.  I chew on the edge of my relationships.  I pull up reasons I should be afraid or sad or that things could be bad.  I pull up real and imagined evidence for how I suck.  I tell myself mean things.  I am the voice in the dark.

catsI’ve learned over time that this is just me petting a worry stone.  I can spin up elaborate bad things, and I know it.  I’m cherry picking the little rotten things to make problems that don’t exist.  I’m fine.  I’m more than fine.  I’m happy.  I’m here in my quiet apartment with my sweet kitties.  I live in a neighborhood I love.  I live in a city I love.  I have a family that I love that loves me.  I’m making the best choices I can and I’ll be ok. My relationship(s) are good.

And I learned to pull out the anti-venom for poisonous thoughts.

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Nightmares and echos

I don’t know.  I don’t know.

I keep rankling and I can’t really seem to even put it into words.  I can’t. I can’t. I thought and thought about what would make me happy and that was me.  I make me happy. Always. no excuses. no shortcuts.  radical.

I think and think all the things that went wrong, that could go wrong and that did and could again.  I cling to promises and words that evaporated when you were asked about them, meaning I guess that you didn’t really want them. were you placating them? me? I ask over and over and over again if I’m a fool. am I a fool? is this stupid? foolish? wishful? willful?

You told the truth and it broke me and you learned to tell a lie.  or maybe you were finally honest?  with you? with me?  I don’t know. You said this to me and that to her and nothing to anyone else.  Because you were trying to spin the sugar, but it’s so fragile and I can’t get purchase.  It have no scaffolding, no spine.  You’ll say what I need you to, what they need you to, and never what you mean.  I’m afraid.  What if you said what you mean?  What would break then? someone.

What if everyone actually said what they mean?  All these webs of spun sugar, spun glass, brittle, crack. Continue reading

Unrest

I’m tired.  I slept about 3.5 hours the night before last and woke yesterday at 3am with a vicious nightmare.  The first nightmare in this little series about about a week ago and I woke gasping and trying to pull the plastic bag off of my head that had been there in my dream.  I was terrified and cried with relief to wake up.

Last night right before I woke I lay bleeding and dying on the floor.  I was in agony and everything in my body hurt.  I knew I was dying and I could feel my own heart slowing as I bled to death.  I was mostly naked and cold, on the hard floor and they were gathered around me, laughing and watching me die.  I tried to crawl away from them with the last bits of whatever I had in me.  I could tell that there were people past these tormentors.  People I cared about were impossibly far away and couldn’t hear me.  I didn’t want to die with these people.  I needed to get past them.

They’d block my path or kick me now and then, thwart my progress and laugh at how pathetic I was.  I was weaker and weaker but I couldn’t lay my head down here.  I would not let them have my death and I was realizing with each passing minute of my tortured crawling that it was inevitable.  My breathing was getting ragged and I was getting colder.  Someone stepped on my hand and crushed it.  I cried out with fresh sharp pain as the bones in my hand broke.  I cried dry tears.  I woke up to Traveler rocking me and telling me I was safe.  I held him to stop death and cried.  He was so warm.  I couldn’t stop crying for just a minute.  I have had a hangover all day.  I felt wrenched and wrung out.

At lunch I watched cat videos on YouTube and I had a brief and beautiful conversation with Quinky Girl where I got to bask in her happiness today and I smiled.  I feel like the weight has been lifting all day, but I’d still really like to curl up with ice cream and a movie that is so fluffy and vapid that half of everything is pink and sparkly.

I have a date tonight and I’m excited about that underneath my numb and I hope I’m not a shitty date.  I can’t cancel because it’s really early in our association and we just don’t have enough water under the bridge for flakiness yet.  He doesn’t know me and I don’t have any credit built up.  So I’m going to listen to more good music and make a nice meal and hope for kisses maybe.  I hope he’ll understand if I need to get to bed early tonight, even if it is the weekend and it’s been a while coming.

I don’t know that it’s the nightmare that lingers as much as the hour or so afterward that I stayed in my bed thinking and not being tired, afraid to sleep again.  I fell asleep eventually but it took a long long time.  I am feeling better in general and I feel like a lot of things are working out, but I don’t have solutions or even ideas for solutions for some things.  My mind worries thoughts like a sore tooth because I just can’t see my options.  It feels like there are spots here that have a very thin crust.  But maybe that’s just the voice in the dark.  I think it might be.