I’m tired. I slept about 3.5 hours the night before last and woke yesterday at 3am with a vicious nightmare. The first nightmare in this little series about about a week ago and I woke gasping and trying to pull the plastic bag off of my head that had been there in my dream. I was terrified and cried with relief to wake up.
Last night right before I woke I lay bleeding and dying on the floor. I was in agony and everything in my body hurt. I knew I was dying and I could feel my own heart slowing as I bled to death. I was mostly naked and cold, on the hard floor and they were gathered around me, laughing and watching me die. I tried to crawl away from them with the last bits of whatever I had in me. I could tell that there were people past these tormentors. People I cared about were impossibly far away and couldn’t hear me. I didn’t want to die with these people. I needed to get past them.
They’d block my path or kick me now and then, thwart my progress and laugh at how pathetic I was. I was weaker and weaker but I couldn’t lay my head down here. I would not let them have my death and I was realizing with each passing minute of my tortured crawling that it was inevitable. My breathing was getting ragged and I was getting colder. Someone stepped on my hand and crushed it. I cried out with fresh sharp pain as the bones in my hand broke. I cried dry tears. I woke up to Traveler rocking me and telling me I was safe. I held him to stop death and cried. He was so warm. I couldn’t stop crying for just a minute. I have had a hangover all day. I felt wrenched and wrung out.
At lunch I watched cat videos on YouTube and I had a brief and beautiful conversation with Quinky Girl where I got to bask in her happiness today and I smiled. I feel like the weight has been lifting all day, but I’d still really like to curl up with ice cream and a movie that is so fluffy and vapid that half of everything is pink and sparkly.
I have a date tonight and I’m excited about that underneath my numb and I hope I’m not a shitty date. I can’t cancel because it’s really early in our association and we just don’t have enough water under the bridge for flakiness yet. He doesn’t know me and I don’t have any credit built up. So I’m going to listen to more good music and make a nice meal and hope for kisses maybe. I hope he’ll understand if I need to get to bed early tonight, even if it is the weekend and it’s been a while coming.
I don’t know that it’s the nightmare that lingers as much as the hour or so afterward that I stayed in my bed thinking and not being tired, afraid to sleep again. I fell asleep eventually but it took a long long time. I am feeling better in general and I feel like a lot of things are working out, but I don’t have solutions or even ideas for solutions for some things. My mind worries thoughts like a sore tooth because I just can’t see my options. It feels like there are spots here that have a very thin crust. But maybe that’s just the voice in the dark. I think it might be.