I’ve said many times I wish I were the ever-graceful and unaffected Grace Kelly. I’m not particularly emotional at the moment, but it’s a thing with me that I get embarrassed of my emotion. Wait, no. I get embarrassed of my *messy* emotions.
I’m perfectly happy that I feel boundless love. I am tickled that a great number of things delight me. I’m passionate. I love deeply. I’m fiercely loyal. I’m tenacious and determined and empathetic. I can go there with a friend. I can take a lover there. All of these emotions I adore.
But it’s the messy stuff. I’m ashamed I have insecurities. I’m embarrassed when I cry. I can’t stand being irrational or out of sorts or brooding. I despise that I burn over offenses and that I have to address and let go of things when others seem perfectly capable of stuffing them down forever. I hate my messy emotions.
I was talking about this with Quinky Girl. She is a human who gets twinges, but by and large she is unaffected by some things that make me rail. I deeply envy that. I would be the same way if I could and I can’t. I HATE to talk about the little things that bother me. But if I don’t they become big things and come out sideways. I hate that too. Other polys say “Oh I didn’t need to talk about that. I just let it go”. And I feel much much worse. It’s like they are jabbing me right in my eye with that. I’d prefer not to have awkward moments but I can’t be any other way. I don’t wanna make shit weird. I don’t wanna have a little chat. I hate confrontation and awkwardness. I wanna just flip my hand, brush my hair off my shoulder and say “I never did mind the little things”. But I simply don’t work that way. Continue reading