So it Begins Poly Christmas

I just dropped Traveler and Quinky Girl off at the airport for their yearly trek to Traveler’s family.  It was nice to be able to see them off and kiss their faces and wish them a great trip.  I cried a LOT less this morning than previous Christmas Eve’s.  It’s only taken me a couple of years, but I think I might have a good plan for this holiday.

I need to be proactive.

A Christmas Story Bully Continue reading

A Million Years Ago

shrek far far away

From Shrek- The Far Far Away Sign

A million years ago….

  1. I kissed you in the vacant lot and ran home breathless.
  2. I broke your heart because I wasn’t ready.
  3. I thought this was what relationships were and I didn’t know this was rare and special.  We danced all night.  We made love and when I called it that I didn’t giggle.  We said shit like “soulmates” and “forever” and I didn’t doubt for a second they were real.  Nobody had ever loved like we loved.  We sang songs to each other.  We took baths together and sat there until we were pruny.  You fucked her.  And you lied.  I felt worse about the lie because it meant we weren’t what I thought we were.  I walked away hurt and insecure.  I spent a decade feeling the image of you in an Indian blanket in our cold apartment, silent, as I dropped the key into your lap.
  4. I got her note. She was gone.  She needed to be with him.  She had a family back home. Wouldn’t I please understand?
  5. I fucked him at some party, the entire time wondering if the pool table took quarters… “mmmmhmm.. yes.. oh baby”.. does that pool table take quarters?  What is the mechanism to drop the balls if it doesn’t take quarters?
  6. I wondered if she’d ever love me back.
  7. I wanted to break it off but his dad had just died.  So I cheated. A lot. I felt more and more sick and when I broke up with him I thought I was doing him a favor.
  8. I couldn’t sleep with him because it would have been too real.
  9. She played with me next to my bed and I thought she liked me, but we never talked again.
  10. I liked him and he liked her and she liked someone else.
  11. He was a lot worse than I thought.  He was a lot worse.  He left a scar on my back from the event that changed my life.  He committed suicide years later, after hurting a lot more girls, and eventually going to prison.  He got out and killed himself.  I felt relieved that he wouldn’t hurt more girls and ashamed I’d been silent and hurt those girls.
  12. I waited a long time to touch him because I wanted to do things differently and when I finally touched him it just didn’t work and we couldn’t make it work so I broke his heart.
  13. He was my friend.  He was deeply honest and really flawed and fucked like a demon.  We talked about EVERYTHING with utter and complete honesty that wasn’t brutal because we bore no brutality.  It was the most comfortable I’d ever been with my body in his pure love of it.  You’re supposed to learn to love your body but I loved mine because he did.  We kept the lines really straight and loved each other for years, around and in between all the others, coming home.  We’ll never be lovers again, but I still consider him a friend.
  14. He left me for groupies and I met the women he’d cheated on me with when her boyfriend was cheating with me and I didn’t know it.  She and I were great friends for years.
  15. I loved him for his letters and got swept up in them and the things he created in them.  It was too late when I’d realized my mistake and I spent a long time trying to stick to my mistake.  When I could no longer be faithful and couldn’t be unfaithful, I left.  I like seeing his happy pics on Facebook.
  16. I never thought it would happen again, but it did.  I met him at Starbucks.  We shared a humor and a passion and loved each other through a million challenges and rewards.  We wrote love poems and songs and gave each other gifts of 100 kisses on post-its and notes hidden in lunches and suitcases and pockets.  For years I knew great love and great passion.  He was my best friend and I was his.  And we grew and grew and grew.  I wish I made him dinner more.  I’ve only learned that these past few years and I wish I’d learned it with him.  Some of the greatest and the worst days of my life were spent with him, and the love we had carried us through them.  With the end I wondered if I’d imagined it, but my box of letters tells me I didn’t. The passion never died until finally, that last year it did.  He told me she was too much and there was nothing left.  He wrote a poem based on a speaker we’d heard together when we were first dating, and redid it at times over the years to delight me. He used it again with the next women, which did not delight me. I don’t understand what happened really.  I make up theories and live with them and discard them because I’ll never know why.  I’m trying to accept that but it sits uneasily without ever having had my closure.  I read the things he said, to me, and later to others, the lies. He was intentionally cruel and admitted it.  And I’ll never understand.  That is not the man I loved. He replaced me and then replaced her.  He lied a lot to them too, and I’ll never understand it.  This is not the man I loved.  He is not the person I loved for so long and so well.
  17. In the midst of all of that I fell for him.  He seemed sweet and honest and clear, a relief in troubled times.  I loved his dazzling mind and the force of his love.  I fell hard and had a hard time letting go when the mask fell.  But I did.
  18. I fell for him so slowly and so well, my love sneaking in on quiet cat feet.  It took a long long time to know him and I’ll always be learning.  His kisses stayed dizzying, and his arms became home.  I love our adventures and our quiet nights and that we can get lost in each other doing absolutely nothing.  And then he told her he’d leave me if she asked him to.  I’m still not totally sure why it changed either, but suddenly all the things we were talking about for our future were different.  All of the little plans we were playing with were off the table.  He didn’t want what he said he wanted anymore.  Or he wanted it differently.  I wondered if I got this love wrong, if it wasn’t what it seemed.  I didn’t get it wrong.  It’s just complicated to live with all of our commitments and honor and complexities of life and history and it’s hard to navigate for women with a past.  There are a lot of moving parts.  It’s beautiful and hard sometimes, but he’s worth it.  Eventually it came that he would not trade me for the wishes of anyone on Earth, and I know it in my marrow.  He’s part of the family I’m making.  I sometimes miss the surety of when I was a girl, or think maybe other ways might be easier.  But then reality reminds me that relationships are always complicated.  Grown up love is complex and beautiful and long-awaited and deep… if you’re lucky.

I’m lucky.

shrek and fiona in love

Shrek and Fiona ride off into the sunset. From the movie Shrek and found at http://basementrejects.com/

 

Sexy Times Are Lovely Learning Experiences

It’s been mostly real and hard to talk about lately.. good stuff.. just deeper and harder to say, closer to the chest. And then there is sexy adventure.  😉 Traveler and I took a vacation to Idaho for skiing and had a wonderful time. It was so bonding and so wonderful.  All the good talks and all the good meals and all the fun was had.  It was nice just to be together, marveling at the joy of just having time.  red head waterAnd we met our lovely smart funny sexy blogger friend.  The conversation was one of those great ones that is all over and we soon talked like old friends, excitedly sharing info and relating.  It was one of those conversations were I learned a lot of Traveler’s thoughts too on things.  And she was so very sexy, mesmerizing with her beautiful mind and sexy hourglass curves and the enticing slant of her smile. I worry a little that I pushed things maybe further than they were naturally though.  It seemed like flirting and fun were welcome and the kisses fiery and sweet and everyone consented to and seemed to enjoy everything.  Late into the night we found ourselves naked and playing, Traveler and my friend and me. and it was all good, wonderful even, beyond the orgasms and the excitement, but I worried maybe I pushed things.  I would have been happy to just have those kisses, and it was hot, all of it, the kisses and play and all the sexy times that came after, but it’s just something I’ll think of in future situations, to not push so much because I’d rather be left with no doubt and be sure that nobody ever feels pushed and that no hesitancy, however minor, is ignored.  Everyone seemed to have fun and in the morning we all checked in and were good.  In no way was the evening or all that happened a bad thing.  I just want to be sure I always learn what I can. I love what threesomes teach me about myself, about someone new, and about my partner.  I’m still processing good things.

A redheaded woman reclines in the water, from pinterest.com

A redheaded woman reclines in the water, from pinterest.com

Proof In Pudding- Broken Bones

I broke my foot.  I was walking in these clogs, and turned my ankle and stumbled, and *snap*.  I had a jones fracture.  It’s a break of the 5th metatarsal, or basically the bone in the middle of your foot on the pinky side of your foot.  Fuck it sucks.  Just a quick little twist.. and bam.  I feel like an old woman.  Who breaks their foot walking?!?!

jones fracture

I cannot express to you enough how much this sucks and is affecting my life.  It’s very hard for me to walk far.  My one good leg gets so tired and sore.  If I move it the wrong way, put any weight on it.. anything.. bam.  When I did it I was walking into my house and stopped dead in my tracks and wretched.  It was so painful I hyperventilated a little and had to sit on the ground.  I was SHOCKED by how much it hurt.  I assumed it would stop, like a terrible pain of stubbing a toe or something.  Nope.  I was planning this wonderful weekend.. dinner and drinks with Quinky Girl and Bawdy Storytelling, Brick Con (the Lego Convention) a homeshow, and a long date with Traveler.  Dammmit! I was soooo excited.  I love that stuff.  I’ve been stoked about Traveler and Quinky Girl redoing their kitchen for months.  It is SO MUCH vicarious pleasure for me.  Nope.  Continue reading

Dear-Bawdy God -YES

Today started out fine and turned into a bit of a cluster-fuck and let’s just say I’m super stoked it’s Friday and when I finish work I am out of here.  Yes.  I should be working at this moment, but I’m taking a second to say that I’m excited it’s the weekend because this proclimation will help me finish this God Forsaken Day.

Nothing actually super bad happened.  Just bureaucracy.  But yeah.  I wanna poke people’s eyes out anyway.  It’s like the Three Stooges.  But meaner.

Three Stooges eyejob from stiffjab.com.

Three Stooges eyejob from stiffjab.com.

Tonight I will decompress with my lovely Quinky Girl.  We’re having delicious eats and libations before heading off to join Jonah and Traveler and hear some funny, sexy, thrilling, interesting BAWDY STORIES!  It’s at a local place called Rebar, and we have free tickets.  Thank you Dixie!

I need me some Quinky time.  I need me some lovely dranks.  I need me some bawdy sexy storytelling fun.  I need some Traveler kisses and Jonah smiles.  Ah.  It’s the weekend!  (soon)

Relationships Bring Up Old Ideas

Ever get to the root of something and discover you’re kinda being a ninny?  Ever realize you are responding with fear or some old feeling or thought that when you get down to it doesn’t make sense?  Yeah.  Relationships are good at that.  

mirrorI’ve been not-so-subtly giving Traveler shit from time to time since I realized he banks with THE WORST bank possible.  And that he was afraid to deposit checks with his phone.  We live in Seattle and the man works in the tech industry and loves to use his computer for finances.  This made no sense.  He was scared to do it, but once I did it in front of him and showed him how easy it actually was he tried it.  Previously he’d resisted, I think fearing that it was some complicated process.  It’s not.  You sign it, log into your bank (even his horrible bank) and take a pic of the front and back of your check.  It’s even easier than addressing a deposit envelope.  

I teach budgeting at work and part of my class is every semester downloading a small number of bank’s latest options for checking and savings and fees and such and having the class help decide what back is best for them.  Some people like to go into banks or credit unions and some like internet banking and features, so the best one varies but is usually one of 3 top banks and credit unions.  2 huge national bank chains are ALWAYS the worst.  I include them to contrast what a decent bank or credit union offers.  We put the info on the board in a big grid and every single time every single member of class says something like “Jesus.. that’s a terrible bank.  Why would anyone have an account with them?!?!?”  Good question.  Traveler has an account with them.  He’s had it since he was a lad and he avoids lots of fees by using very few features and letting them have a ton of his money at all times so he incurs less fees.  Nevermind that this bank also has the most lawsuits each year for terrible practices and has been sued and cited time and again for terrible mistreatment of customers.  Also never mind that they don’t have better credit cards Traveler would qualify for and they are pretty fucking evil and do harm in the world.  Traveler lets them hold his money.  Worse yet, he’s defensive when shown facts about this bank.  <facepalm>.  

Sometimes we’re like this.  

donkey mirror Continue reading

Talk about Sex? Who'd a Thunk It?

Movie title for Young Visiters from http://ia.media-imdb.com

Movie title for Young Visiters from http://ia.media-imdb.com

One of the nice things about living openly is that my old friend coming into town means I get to have fun introducing him to the people in my life without worry.  All of them have asked me “Is it okay to talk freely?”, “Are there things.. ahem.. he shouldn’t know?”.  Nope.  I had to laugh too because people have asked if he’d delicate, or if he’d judge them because they were going through something, or if they should “behave around him”.  Heh.

The idea that I’d be close friends with someone for 13 years and they’d be delicate or easily offended makes me laugh.

Ph.D, my friend, visited from Colorado.  He came to this academic conference and to see me and have a good time.  He is not, in fact, delicate nor easily offended.  And I told everyone when they asked to speak freely.  I’m not sure what would shock or offend my dear Ph.D, but I’m quite sure my friends and loves would have to struggle mightily to find it.  On the flip side, he asked and I let him know that he could talk to my loves and my friends about anything.  Hell, a few people at my work know a little bit about my life and if others found out I’d be relieved.  When I began my job 5 years ago I was a very happily married monogamous woman.

We opened up, and a couple of years later broke up (not directly related) and it’s hard to figure out how to say “by the way I’m in love with a man I’ve been dating almost 2 years, some of which was when I was married to my husband”.  Well.. actually that kinda answers that.  You say something like that I guess.  Or maybe you just leave off the dates.  Maybe you just say you’re in an open relationship with these two guys and it’s working.  I’m going to do exactly that eventually.  When we talk about what we all did on the weekend, or plans, I mention that I did this with a man I’m dating.  I know they assume I’m either not dating these men very seriously, or that the more relationship stuff is all the same man.  Whatever.  If I ever have good reason I’m fine with outing myself at work.  I sort of think (like a friend says) that poly people have a responsibility to out themselves in casual situations.  I think this is how acceptance starts, with familiarity.

Earnest looking character from "The Young Visiters" (yes spelled that way) from http://www.movie-roulette.com

Earnest looking character from “The Young Visiters” (yes spelled that way) from http://www.movie-roulette.com

So, yep.. good visit with Ph.D.  I was going to write a much longer and more in depth post about this, but well.. I’m not.  The visit was wonderful.  I loved having my friend here and loved some time with him.  Oh?  You hear a but?  Yeah.  There is a but. Continue reading